So I’m sitting around watching the legendary Fred Olen Ray’s latest movie disaster, I mean disaster movie, with thoughts of his movie previous to this film ‘Super Shark’, that being the completely awful ‘Turbulent Skies’ still dancing in my head. So here I am about to render my judgment on Mr. Ray’s latest crapterpiece of modern cinema… when it happened. They played the Super Shark theme song in its entirety to close the credits. This song is so awesome that it almost completely saves this movie. I mean ‘he’s a whale of a killer that makes Jaws looks like Flipper… SUPER SHARK!!!’ I’m done.

The thing is, outside of a piece of this ditty when the movie starts and the full version at the end, you still have to watch the entire film to truly enjoy Harvey Scales epic tune, which depending on your cinematic composition might not be all that painful.

Kat (Sarah Lieving) is a Super Agent with the OIB. That’s the Ocean Investigation Bureau in case you’re curious, an organization that investigates ocean stuff. Recognize that Sarah Lieving is clearly your go-to-girl when you have Shark issues as she was also saddled with trying to bring down Mega Shark in the classic ‘Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus’. An oil rig has crashed off the coast of wherever this movie takes place and Kat needs to find out what happened, and to facilitate this action she’s hired the roguish ship’s captain Chuck (Tim Abell) to ferry her from point A to point B. It looks like it was an earthquake that brought it down but the lone survivor who we will call The Black Dude (J. Ferguson) says he saw a big shark eat the rig, but that’s crazy, right? But before we get into all of that, we do have to deal with a little Baywatch style melodrama where lifeguard Tyler (Carolyn Martin) tries to setup lifeguard Calli (Rya Myers) with lifeguard Greg (Shane Van Dyke) who happens to be her ex-boyfriend. Then at the Bikini contest, hosted by rockin’ Disc Jockey Dynomite Stevens, shamefully played by Jimmy Walker, Tyler makes out with Greg which makes Calli sad. In case this lifeguard melodrama sounds lame to you, believe me… it is. But there is a warm feeling in my heart that Super Shark will be around soon enough to clean this mess up in his own special way.

Back to Kat the OIB agent, she confronts Oil Baron CEO Mr. Wade (Bo Duke) who assures her that he had nothing to do with the collapsed rig and stuff sometimes just happens. He’s lying about this because he is an Oil Company executive and they lie all the time in movies. Finally Super Shark shows up and starts eating just about everything. And screwing up the radio waves. It’s complicated. You may think because you are inland a good ways, Super Shark won’t get you. Well… Super Shark walks on land. You make think that you are safe in your fighter jet because it’s a fighter jet and stuff. You’d be wrong again because Super Shark can fly. No joke. So serious is the Super Shark Dilemma that we have to bring in the entire U.S. Armed Services which consists of one jet… uh, scratch the jet… three soldiers, a flame thrower, and one experimental walking tank to battle a walking shark. In case that sounds stupid to you, believe me… it is. But, and this is important, if you have ever wanted to see who would win a fight between a walking land shark and a walking experimental tank, you have nowhere else to go but here.

We all know that ‘Super Shark’ isn’t a good movie, right? We know this off the bat, and that’s a good thing. Now we have a lowered baseline to work with which gives ‘Super Shark’ more of an opportunity to be a good movie, or at least an entertaining movie since this being a good movie is almost completely out of the question. Got me? So working with our artificially lowered expectations, I’m pleased to say that ‘Super Shark’ is… well… it’s still not that great. I mean it’s not ‘Turbulent Skies’ bad, but then what is? You see, even with the artificially lowered baseline, the Baywatch love triangle is painful to sit through, but it is alleviated by the comforting fact that I was sure they would all be eaten by Super Shark. And even with the lowered expectations, the Super Shark vs. Bikini Babe with an umbrella heavyweight bout was another lame addition to throw on the pile of lameness. Sure, Super Shark can walk on land and stuff, but he still doesn’t do it all that well so considering I walk on land all the time, I probably would’ve just ran from Super Shark instead of trying to poke it with an umbrella. And even with the low expectations, Jimmy Walker’s Dynomite D.J. was a pain to listen to, and he got nowhere near Super Shark so he’ll probably be back in ‘Super Shark 2: The Vengeance’.

But we do have some good things to work with. Sarah Lieving wasted no time in showing us how great she looks in bikini, Bo Duke was in this movie and believe me when I tell you there is nothing about John Schneider that says ‘evil oil executive’, the Super Shark v Walking Tank battle was epic in its lameness, Super Shark also hated D.J. Dynomite’s broadcasts since it had the power to disrupt it, and it did this at every opportunity… and finally there’s the Super Shark theme song. Best song about a shark that eats everything ever made. Is this enough to sit through this movie? Hell yeah. For me at least. But then I’m dumb.