Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

‘Worst Movie Ever’. Logon to the IMDB under the forum comments of practically any movie and you’ll find a heading that is titled ‘Worst Movie Ever’. I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the forum under ‘Citizen Kane’ is a thread titled ‘Worst Movie Ever’. As I have said before the problem with that statement is that probably nobody living or dead has seen every movie ever made which makes that statement somewhat superfluous, but some of us have seen more than most. I have seen more than most and I have had a bad week. ‘Death to the Supermodels’ caps off quite possibly the worst stretch of movie watching in my life which included consecutive days of watching the movies ‘The Watermelon Heist’, ‘Dead Lenny’, ‘Killer Pad’, and ‘Perfect Hideout’. In defense to ‘Perfect Hideout’, as bad as it was, it did make laugh. That’s akin to playing roulette, placing 20 on black five straight times and five straight times it comes up red. All five of these movies are so shitty that I don’t know which one is worse. You would hope that ‘Death to the Supermodels’ could at least slide by on the strength of its beautiful cast, but all hope will be smashed almost as soon as the opening credits roll.

The always lovely Jamie Pressley is Tiffany Brittany, the terminally perky editor of some woman’s magazine run by the decidedly masculine Merle (Diane Delano) who has hired Tiffany to put her magazine ‘back on the map’. Tiffany has come up with an idea to grab the five top supermodels on earth along with the number one photography team to create a blowout spread that will make all kinds of crazy waves in the publishing world.

Simple enough, so that leads us to our five supermodels who include the no.1 ranked supermodel Eva (Brooke Burns) who is German, wears SS themed bikini’s has two foot long underarm hair and doesn’t bathe. Yo (Marcelle Larice) is famous for having

the world’s biggest ass and speaks in ebonical platitudes. She is joined Hoo Chi (Sung-Hee Lee) who, if you haven’t guessed, is Asian and as such she knows Kung Fu which we all know is an Asian birthright, and she also speaks in ‘Confucius’ riddles. Kimberly Davies plays Darbie, which rhymes with Barbie and hasn’t uttered a word or cracked a facial emotion is six years. Finally we have P (Maria Arce) who is bi-polar and eats a leaf one day a week. Our photographers consist of the asexually effeminate duo of Gunther (Taylor Negron) and Gerd (Matt Winston) who do all kind of gay stuff which is supposed to be funny. When you fail at making gay dudes funny, you have some real problems.

After this lengthy setup someone starts murdering our supermodels one by one and the voice of a self-help guru is in Tiffany’s brain attempting to convince her that she is the one doing the murdering. The gags flow incessantly, including a poisoned booty, and they embarrassingly fail which only makes the viewing audience more miserable as we sit and wait, practically begging for a laugh. Unfortunately there was no hope in this happening. My ultimate hope is that you can learn from my mistakes and be the wiser in the long run.

So why does ‘Death to the Supermodels’ suck so bad? This is a multi-tiered dilemma but the number one reason is that it ain’t funny. Given the choice of doing my taxes or continuing watching this movie, my taxes won out repeatedly and was actually much funnier. I can see how in theory that writer / director Joel Silverman was thinking that sticking a bunch of beautiful women on a deserted island with a couple of gay photographers and a serial killer had potential for humor… Okay, so I really can’t see where he might have thought that this was going to be funny, but for arguments sake let’s say that I do. So the problem with the ripe fertile ground of serial killing beautiful women stumbles mainly because Silverman didn’t write anything funny into his script. We all know that the sista with the humongous booty, the funky German and an Asian named hoo-chi is all supposed to be funny but it isn’t. The timing for the jokes is off, with the possible exception of Brooke Burns none of supermodels are all that funny and Jamie Pressley, who is a fairly established funny person, on top of being good looking, is among the least funny of them all. I could blame Jamie for this but I think we all know that’s not going to happen so I’m giving a Jamie free ‘Torque’ pass and am dumping all of the blame for this mess on Mr. Silverman. You should be ASHAMED of yourself Mr. Silverman for making Jamie, Sung Hee, Marcelle, Brooke, Kimberly and Maria seem like they’re not funny! It’s all YOUR fault. Not theirs. Squandering talent like that on junk like this. Don’t worry about it girls because I happen to know a guy who knows a guy who could make ‘proper’ use of your prodigious skills so that you can get the recognition that you all deserve. Drop me an e-mail and we’ll get this ball rolling the right way.

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