Ahhh 'Stranded'… why doth thee even
exist? Now I've heard some awful things about director
Roger Christian's little sci-fi film 'Stranded', most of these
bad things leading off with Christian having directed
'Battlefield Earth' which I guess is something the poor man
will never be able to live down, but I'm here to tell you that
I honestly didn't think that this movie all that bad to be honest with you.
But I'm of the thought process that if you are going to make a
low budget movie of any genre, particularly the sci-fi /
thriller genre, and considering that making the millions back
that weren't spent in the first place isn't a priority… then
go for it. I mean give us something we haven't seen
before, or at least haven't seen that often. Take a
chance! Good or awful, this is what will separate you
from the pack. Something new. 'Stranded' does not
do this. It steals from classics which is like the LAST
thing a low budget movie should do, and this what you get…
abuse. And now I'm in a position where I can't defend
you.
Somewhere on the moon, there is a base doing some
experiments. Think 'Moon' for instance. A meteor
shower hits this base totally wrecking stuff, but no worries
because Col Gerard Brauchman (Christian Slater) is on the job,
and he's incompetent. Col. Bruachman sends his crew to
do stuff, say like Dr. Ava Cameron (Amy Matysio) to shut down
something, Dr. Lance Krauss (Brendan Fehr) to start up
something and engineer Johns (Michael Therriault) to whine
about something.
While checking stuff out, Ava finds a
rock that looks like it has growth spores on it. Why she
grabs it and carries it back to the lab is beyond me, but this
is what she does. Lance runs some tests on the spores,
but Ava makes the mistake of cutting her finger on the test
tube, and doesn't
tell anybody. Ava Cameron… worst space
scientist ever. Of course Ava gets sick, but she also
gets pregnant and soon she births a crazed alien baby.
That likes to breast feed. Think 'It's Alive'
mixed with high, unintended comedy.
Ava is trying to tell these people that she just gave birth to
something, and this something has already bitten Bruce the
whiner. Nobody believes her though. Now I'm no
doctor, and I get that Doc didn't have his test equipment and
all, but a pregnant woman is a pregnant woman. And when
you see her a few minutes later and the big thing in her belly
is gone and it can't be found… something is out there.
But Doc and the Colonel? Worst Doctor and Colonel of a
moonbase ever.
Anyway, apparently this thing has the ability to mimic
creatures, and on this day it's mimicking Bruce the whiner
which it has bitten. And it's picking them off one by
one. But not really, now that I think about it.
What does this 'Thing' want? I guess to make it back to
Earth and do something. I don't know what though.
I mean I guess it could infect everyone but it doesn't seem to
have that kind of power. It doesn't seem to have any
powers really. I think if it makes it back to earth it
will just be a mean old monster and stomp stuff. But
I'll tell you the last thing we should do, and that would be
rescuing anybody on that moon base. That would be the
absolute height of irresponsibility. Don't do it!
The reason I say that 'Stranded' should've mixed it up with
its narrative is because this film has a lot going against
from the word 'go'. We like the use of miniatures as
sets, but when they look like toys, that's a bit of an
issue. Christian Slater's my main man and all, but when
a brother is making roughly eight Direct to DVD movies a
month, you probably aren't going to get his best effort which
would've prompted me to look in the direction of another
fading star. And of course when your narrative is
lifting vital plot elements from 'The Thing' and 'Alien',
amongst others… so we can understand the disdain that many
have displayed toward this little movie.
But personally… we didn't hate this movie. Yes, I opened
this little article pondering why this movie even exists, and
true enough, it doesn't need to exist considering it adds
absolutely NOTHING to the genre of sci-fi, but all things
considered I did find 'Stranded' to be a reasonably competent,
reasonably entertaining time waster. A bored Christian
Slater still manages to bring a certain amount of intensity,
if on the strength of his eyebrow arching alone, our director
did the best he could to squeeze as much action out of the
limited sets as humanly possible, and while he didn't always
succeed, the effort was apparent. The movie also boasted
real world SFX as opposed to bad CGI, and we will take real
effects, even if they are subpar, over bad CGI any day of the
week. And of course this movie could turn into a classic
drinking game, when you get some friends over and play Name
That Movie!
What can I tell you? While we're not actively
recommending anyone run out and actually view
'Stranded', but for the few of us kind of in tune to
this kind of low budget, blasphemous nonsense, it has its
positives. Still no need for it to exist, but since it
does… at your own risk.
