Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Let’s assume for a minute that actor Hill Harper is bored and is up surfing the Internet one night and stumbles upon this page. I need a favor Mr. Harper and I think you owe me. For starters my wife is a big fan of yours. Almost too big a fan because if she asks me one more time ‘What’s Hill Working on Now?’ We might have a problem. Secondly I watched this movie all the way through. And ‘Steel’ too. So you can see where I might think you owe me a little something. So here’s what I need Mr. Harper. My son wants to go to Harvard and I’m thinking a letter of recommendation from Harvard Law Graduate Hill Harper would go a long way in the boys favor. The only two people I have any remote connection to that went to Harvard are you and Barack Obama and Mr. Obama isn’t returning my calls. You can get back to me via this website. Now to everybody else out there, you may think that this isn’t the proper venue to beg for a letter recommendation for my child but what else am I going to do in this space? Talk about ‘Stonehenge Apocalypse’? Why in the hell would I want to do that?

Allright, allright… Stonehenge Apocalypse. Our film begins with Stonehenge electrocuting some tourists. Why Stonehenge did this is beyond me but it would seem that Stonehenge is an asshole. This event isn’t lost on crackpot scientist Jacob Glazer (Misha Collins) who hosts a radio show espousing his crackpot theories. He has listeners who call his show with their own crackpot theories but he abuses these guys for having crackpot theories. What’s up with that? Regardless Jacob’s intel informs he has to go to England to get to the bottom of whatever is going down over there so he hits up his best friend Dr. Joseph Leshem (Harper) so they can go crackpotting in England together but Joseph has his own little scientific thing going on in Maine that he can’t leave right now. We must keep an eye on that.

So in England a team of crack scientist which includes Dr. Kaycee Leeds (Torri Higginson) and her stuffy boss Dr. John Trousdale (Peter Wingfield) has assembled to figure this thing out. The crackpot, who found a way to get England real fast, has informed them that Stonehenge is a terraforming device created by aliens and is sending EMF charges to the pyramids around the world to reset the planet. They don’t

believe him. The army is on board and wants to nuke Stonehenge. Hey, that’s what they want to do. It’s not like I wrote this. The Crackpot knows that the terraforming initiative can only be halted by the Ancient Key of Rah. Or something like that. The problem is the Ancient key has been stolen by a group of terrorist led by the Crackpots best friend Joseph who wants to see the Earth reset. And the nuke is on its way.

Okay, so we spoke personally to Hill Harper earlier and now we are going to speak briefly to this film’s director Paul Ziller. Paul… I don’t know anything about making a movie but I do know a little something about watching them. In fact I’ve seen roughly a half dozen of your films, most recently ‘Ice Quake’. I thought that movie had more mind numbing fake science talk than any movie ever but I would’ve been wrong because this movie kicks that movie’s ass in mind numbing fake science talk. Paul, the first forty five or so minutes of your movie was nothing but loads and loads of fake science talk, plus most of this fake science babble was using really, really big words which put me in an eyes glazed over mini-coma. That is not playing into the demographic of people who watch these types of movies. Like me. Paul, all I’m saying is that in the future, because you are nothing if not employable as a film director, is just bring it down a bit. Less fake science talk, more cheap special effects. That, my friend, is a recipe for success.

Anyway, after EMS came by the house and shocked me out the coma that the first half of this movie put me in, I think I actually enjoyed the second half. Most of the time in these ‘end of the world’ movies the main villain is something innocuously lame such as the methane gas in ‘Ice Quake’ or squiggly lines on a computer in Ziller’s ‘Polar Storm’. This movie had the good sense to give us an apocalyptic terrorist as a villain which worked much better than simple big rocks that occasionally shoots sparks. Sure, the whole concept behind the apocalyptic terrorist, Stonehenge electrocuting people, and the Magic Key of Rah was pretty silly and didn’t make any kind sense that I could decipher, and it’s not like it didn’t have the time to make sense considering this movie was mostly chatter, but at least the second half this movie moved quicker and had shootouts and stuff. That’s appreciated. That’s something the demographic can get with.

My only other issue is with the Apocalyptic Terrorist who were looking forward to the new reset world with its crystal clear skies and fresh drinking water. I mean that sounds all good in theory but that means there’s going to be no 7-11’s and stuff like that. And what about chickens? I didn’t see those terrorist squirreling away any animals in their little pyramid safe house. What exactly were they going to eat anyway. These are scientist and they do know that it took a little bit of time, I don’t know… like a million years before that first amoeba eventually evolved into corn stalk. Dumbest Apocalyptic Terrorist Ever.

Oh well. One half mind numbing chatter plus one half mindless action made for one whole mediocre movie. And Hill Harper was AWESOME in this movie. And I’m just not saying that because I need that letter of recommendation.