Reviewed by
Christopher Armstead
It’s the waning days of the war and the Nazi’s are in all kinds of trouble and the allies are about to do them in… BUT NOT SO FAST! Wacky mad scientist Professor Ullman, as played by Senior Sci-Fi Channel contributor Ben Cross, has devised some atom splitting technology to create monsters. In case you didn’t know, on the other side of the Atlantic the Americans are using atom splitting technology to create bombs. Not that I’m a huge proponent of atomic weaponry, but the American plan sounds better. I’m just saying. Nonetheless, we need to stop these stinking Nazi’s and their awful plan. For this we have rounded up hardcore Army Captain Joe Malloy, as played by Junior Sci-Fi Channel contributor Corin Nemec, who will round up a group of not-as-hardcore, terribly flawed soldiers… let’s call them ‘The Moldy Half Dozen’… to go behind Axis enemy lines and stop the horror of bad CGI know as the ‘S.S. DOOMTROOPER’! That’s the title of the movie, even though nobody actually calls that thing the S.S. Doomtrooper.
I forget who all the Moldy Half Dozen are, but I do remember Parker Lewis… get it… who is a scaredy cat that hotwires cars, the there’s Digger the British dude who digs holes and blows up stuff, and I also remember PFC Papadakis the sharpshooter that they call Papa. They probably should call this guy Loser since he’s the oldest Private on the Planet Earth. How about a little ambition Papa?
So the Moldy Six drop behind enemy lines and run into Dr. Ullman’s slow moving monstrosity. They shoot it, grenade it, machine gun it, but it doesn’t
matter… it’s invincible. At last until it’s time for it to stop being invincible near the end. It’s also taken out one of the Moldy Six, who are now the Moldy Five. Then there was the guy who was so fed up with the fact that the machine guns, bombs, grenades, and other explosive devices didn’t work that he decided to see if punching the Doomtrooper in the face worked. It didn’t. Now the Moldy Four have to get the hell out of here.
Fortunately they pick up lovely French Resistance member Mariette (Mirian Filali), a character who brought us endless joy in this movie with her awesome French accent.
Because of her I can no longer just say ‘resistance’, I have to Ray-Cees-Stonce! Or instead of ‘village’ you gotta say Vee-Lodge! But as awesome as Mariette’s awesome accent might be, it ain’t helping against the Doomtrooper. The thing that makes the Doomtrooper less than ideal as a Nazi weapon is that it kills Nazis too. It kills everything. Is that going to stop Dr. Ullman from making squad of these things? No it’s not… unless The Moldy One and the Hot Chick can stop him. I don’t want to spoil it for you… okay, I’m going to totally spoil it for you… but look out for Captain Malloy and his knife.
The good thing about seeing ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’ is that we have another Sci-Fi original to check off of our list. A list that actually looks like it’s growing, despite the fact I watch these things at what feels like accelerated rate. The bad thing about seeing ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’ was actually having to watch ‘S.S. Doomtroooper’.
Maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement because to be completely honest with you… sigh… ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’ wasn’t all that bad. Or maybe it was. Who knows? I think watching all these horrible Sci-Fi originals in succession is starting to etch away at my brain to point almost anything I watch with pictures moving across the screen is starting feel tolerable.
Sure, we could point out that ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’ was at times mind-boggingly stupid, or that we saw the movie like four hours ago and I’ve almost completely forgotten what it was about and who was in it, or from what we little can recall that if the actual WWII soldiers behaved like these soldiers did in this movie I’d say we all be speaking German now, but the German soldiers were just as stupid. I guess we’d be speaking Doomtrooper-speak. We could point out more stuff, but that’s counter-productive. However we are forced to mention that it’s clear not a lot of loot went into creating the creatures that bears this movie’s title. The CGI Doomtrooper looked so shoddy and so ‘Lawnmower Man’ era CGI that I’m thinking that hiring some extra large dude and putting him in Nazi Uniform while sporting a monster mask might’ve worked out a little better.
But at least we were able to hold on until the big showdown which was the ultimate in the mind-boggling stupidity of ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’. We already know that the Doomtrooper is invincible, it has powers of regeneration, you can’t blow it up, and it can take a punch. We didn’t have much hope when Malloy pulled out his knife, but when he cut of the Doomtroopers arm with that knife with the Doomtrooper screaming like a girl, and it didn’t grow back despite his awesome powers of regeneration, we knew we had a Sci-Fi Channel winner. That whole ending scene was outstandingly inconsistent, including Digger showing back up, despite the fact we clearly saw the man blow himself up.
As bad as ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’ might be, we prefer our Sci-Fi originals to be stupid over boring, and at least ‘S.S. Doomtrooper’ wasn’t dull. Join the Ray-Sees-Stonce!!!
