Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
From my main man Tibor Takacs, creator of the classic 'Ice Spiders', comes his latest insect epic… 'Spiders'.  Now here's my issue right off the bat.  These spiders come from space thus the obvious title of this movie should've been 'Space Spiders', right?  I mean 'Spiders'… what does that tell you?  Absolutely nothing.  However 'Space Spiders' automatically gives you goose bumps, because it's like Spiders from Space.  I know it's Spiders 3D for a few out there, but not me.  Who wouldn't line up to see Spiders from Space?  I know I would.

We are hanging out in space and see a Russian satellite, all CCCP'd out, so we know that this satellite has to be from the old Soviet Union.  Inside the satellite we see dead cosmonauts and live spiders.  Can't be good.  I guess I could ask why the cosmonauts are wearing their space suits inside the space station or whatever that is, but we aren't going to ask that question.  Next thing we know a meteor or something hits this space station and sends a big chunk of it straight to Bulgaria, doubling for New York City.  If you have graffiti on the walls and Newspaper boxes on the street with Village Voice stickers on them, you must be in New York City.  For true NYC authenticity, Takacs should've made the streets smell like urine.

Now we meet Jason (Patrick Muldoon), the hardworking Subway dispatcher who has a slight situation in that this meteor has just landed in one of his tunnels.  He has his boy Jimmy to take a look but Jimmy falls on the hot rail after getting bitten by one of the spiders.  Have to give a shout out to my other main man Atanas Srebrev as I believe this is the 45th movie that we've seen that Atanas has been in, making him the king actor of this site.  Congratulations Atanas Srebrev!
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Jason also has an estranged wife in Rachel (Christa Campbell) and a twelve year old daughter in Emily (Sydney Sweeney), but his main focus right now is the hold up in his tunnels.  He takes his boys down there, along with a couple of exterminators, but these spiders are completely immune to Raid and Hot Shot.

Time to call in the government, but does the government see a pest problem?  No sir they do not.  They see a potential weapon that will change the game.  I'm just telling you what Col. Jenkins (William Hope) has said.

So we're gonna weaponize space spiders, but we need the queen egg because without the queen egg the program won't be viable.  I can't remember why.  Something about the other spiders dying off or something.  Even though they seem to be able to lay eggs without the queen.  But again, we're not asking these questions.  Plus Col Jenkins has decided to kill everybody who might know something about anything.  Because he's a dick.  There is really no reason to do this.   Regardless, the Colonel will have other things on his mind in a few minutes as the queen egg has hatched and she's grown fast and angry.  She's one big ass spider and she's crushing the hell out of New York.  There's nothing we can do to stop this thing.  But I'm thinking our subway dispatcher, upset at this spider for putting his family at risk, is going to find a way to make it pay! 

Well, aside from the titling faux pas of not calling his movie 'Space Spiders', as it was begging to be called, 'Spiders' wasn't all that bad, all things considered.  I mean it was better than 'Ice Spiders' for whatever that's worth, and it was better than the last monster spider movie we saw in 'Camel Spiders', which is probably even worth less, but it was okay.  In a very mediocre way.

The good about 'Spiders', really the best thing, are the spiders themselves.  These over-ambitious SyFy type movies tend to drown in a sea of cut-rate CGI effects which usually only serves up more laughter than thrills or scares, but it looks like somebody threw some money at these effects as they were about as good as I've seen in a lower budgeted monster movie.  We can see the budget limitations in the limited sets and the two block backlot that's supposed to be tricking us into believing its New York City, but if you call your movie Spiders, at the very least make the spiders look good, and the filmmakers did manage to pull that off.

For the most part, acting performances in a movie like this are negligible, just need people to scream, die and look heroic, but we do have to admit they weren't a strong point here.  We are big Christa Campbell fans here at the FCU as she has a lot of gifts that we are thankful for, in this movie her acting really just wasn't one of them.  Patrick Muldoon fared a little better, which was a surprise, but what wasn't a surprise was actor William Hope playing a back stabbing bureaucrat.  This dude plays this singular role so often than I'm thinking he can't be trusted in real life.

What ultimately makes 'Spiders' just an average monster movie is that it really doesn't do anything all that special.  The narrative is rote, the pace is a little on the languid side, and it doesn't bring anything new to the table as far as these types of movies go, if that's even possible to do at this point.  But it is competent and serviceable, and while we would prefer more if we can get it, we can be satisfied taking what we got.
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