A concerned person, after watching writer / director Chris Stokes ‘Somebody Help Me 2’ asked me ‘Is this the worse movie ever made?’. Hmmm… well… hmmm…. Kind of putting me on the spot here. Uh… no, ‘Somebody Help Me 2’ is NOT the worst movie ever made. There. I said it. And with that statement ends my praise of this movie.
A couple of years ago Brendan (Marques Houston) and Darryl (Omari Grandberry) survived the evil machinations of the world’s most evil plastic surgeon, Corbin the Terrible (Corbin King) in the movie ‘Somebody Help Me’. It was touch and go for a minute those years back, however our heroes survived. Not so much because of anything they did because Darryl was locked in a dog cage and Brendan was hiding, but they got away. Watch the movie if you really want to know how it all went down. Or don’t. Regardless, Brendan has gotten married, but not to the girl he allowed to get slashed up those years back. The unfortunate girl this time around is Michelle (Azur-De) a hard working woman who works during the day, runs Brendan’s niece Tee Tee (Chrissy Stokes) around all day, cooks dinner when she comes and then slaves to keep the condo clean. Brendan is unemployed, stays at home and watches soap operas. In the last movie we determined Brendan to be the worst boyfriend ever, and now he’s graduated to becoming the worst husband ever.
His boy however is doing better with his good job as a security guard. That’s what they said. Anyway, Brendan keeps waking up at night in cold sweats as the anniversary for the traumatic events on the sixth day of March get closer and closer, and he also yells out the name of his ex-girlfriend while having these dreams. See what I mean about Brendan being a lousy husband? Plus his boy Darryl’s girlfriend Michelle (Malika) is always hanging around and having Brendan drive her places. And his niece Tee Tee (Chrissy Stokes) is always rummaging through his bedroom and finding him and his wife’s sex toys.
But if you saw the last movie you know that crazy plastic surgeon is on the loose and he has set up shop wherever the hell this movie takes place, and he is doing his crazy
botox / facelift thing in some abandoned basement. What he wants is revenge against Brendan and Darryl so he kidnaps his wife and his niece. Then he kidnaps Darryl. What’s Brendan doing while this is going on? Making out with his best friend’s girl, though he is resisting the best he can, but there was that one night back in the day when they were drunk… Lousy… Husband.
But where is this nonsense heading you may be wondering? That’s a damn good question my friends. Just know that the plastic surgeon has everybody where he wants them, this place being all the characters in this movie yelling out ‘SOMEBODY HELP ME’ over and over and over again.
We don’t want to spend too much time on this one, mainly because the longer we spend talking about this movie and trashing this movie, it’s going to sound like we’re picking on this movie and being mean towards this movie, and that’s something we don’t do here at the FCU. Just know that ‘Somebody Help Me 2’ is absolutely… positively… unequivocally… terrible in just about every possible way. Admittedly, ‘Somebody Help Me’ wasn’t the best movie we’ve seen, and to be completely honest it was actually pretty bad for the most part, but there was something there. It was competently produced, the acting performances weren’t so bad, it was funny, unintentionally so, and the story… while suspect… at least followed a logical horror movie story arc. There was a little bit of magic in the compendium of awfulness that was ‘Somebody Help Me’, and as such it was entertaining to a degree.
I don’t know what happened, but NONE of that was present in this sequel. It has the same director, and I know Chris Stokes didn’t just forget how to make competent looking movie overnight, but this movie had the look and sound of one of those shot on VHS York / Maverick joints that got released a lot back the late nineties. I know Marques Houston and Omarion might not be the second coming of Denzel and Poitier, but they have shown much better than what they were saddled with here. I know the name of the movie is called ‘Somebody Help Me’ and all, but if at any time some of the characters wanted to stop screaming that out, I wouldn’t have been mad at them. A lot of the scenes in this movie drag on too long, there are scenes included which add absolutely nothing to what we are about to see in this movie, the story is incomprehensible and if at any time this horror movie causes you to jump at anytime in any kind of fear or suspense, you’re one step ahead of me.
What does remain, however, is the world’s lamest slasher villain ever. An evil plastic surgeon didn’t work the first time around, and it works even less here. He’s just a plastic surgeon. No super powers, no great regenerative skills, just the ability to hold a scalpel and run in front of the camera real fast when our characters backs are turned.
Again, ‘Somebody Help Me’ wasn’t ‘Halloween’ or anything, or even ‘Terror Train’ for that matter, but it had something going for it. We can’t say that for this sequel which has nothing going for it. Or less.