Dang Christian Slater… Get off my freaking
TV! I realize a lot of this Christian Slater assault is
of my own doing since I could choose not to watch a lot of
these movies, but I kind of pick these at random and at this
point in time it looks as if it would take some concerted
effort on my part to avoid Mr. Slater. I mean my man is
wrenching the mantle of Straight to DVD king from the usual
suspects as he is putting out product with a frequency that
has Steven Seagal's head swimming. Just got through
watching him play a pedophile in the horror movie 'Playback',
there were two subpar westerns we probably should've skipped
past, another action movie with Donald Sutherland that wasn't
so bad, The River Murders, Without Men, Rites of Passage, El
Gringo, Sacrifice… We've seen them all and Christian…
it's not always pretty. Today's Christian Slater joint,
with tomorrow's probably being something else, is an odd
action film called 'Soldiers of Fortune' which is loaded with
all kinds of acting talent stuck in a completely disposable
movie. Calling it disposable doesn't mean I'm saying
it's not worth watching, because 'Soldiers of Fortune' has its
moments, it's just a little strange to see the level and
quantity of acting types in this kind of movie, though I have
my theory as to how this happened and it involves big
paychecks.
Craig McKenzie is a badass Special Ops badass on a mission
somewhere in the Middle East in 2008 when his partner Reed
(Freddie Rodriguez) gets trapped behind enemy lines.
Wearing a dress. Don't ask. The Man tells McKenzie
to stand down and abort for some reason or another, but his
boy is in trouble and he can't follow that order. He
busts in the compound, casually walks through the compound
killing
Arab-types who stand there and allow
themselves to get shot… even though he doesn't kill the kid
who pointed a Kalakov at him, more on that in a second… then
frees his boy from the grips of some evil CIA agent (Colm
Meany). Next thing you know McKenzie and his boy are
slo-mo walking while he presses the button and levels the
entire compound in the background. Including that
kid. Wassup with that?
Fast forward four years where McKenzie and Reed are
dishonorably discharged vets who are broke as a joke.
Why Reed was dishonored is a mystery to us, since he broke no
rules that we were aware of, but we will roll with it.
Reed is about to lose his house, and he gets a quick visit
from his baby girl and his wife who tells how much he loves
them. Damn Reed… and I liked you. Fortunately all
their financial troubles will be solved via one of the
dumbest, albeit original plot devices I've ever
encountered.
To gloss over it, rebels from a small oppressed country have
created a real life mercenary training playground for the
super wealthy to fund a weapons purchase for their fight
against the evil Colonel Lupo (Gennadi Vengerov) to get their
country back, and Cecilia (Oksana Korostyshevskaya), the rebel
behind this cockamamie plan, needs McKenzie and Reed to act as
trainers to lend legitimacy to their plan, and protect these
fat cats while they train them. Got it? These rich
guys are Dimidov the playboy (Sean Bean), Grimaud the African
gun merchant (Ving Rhames), Mason the violent videogame
designer (Dominic Monaghan), Haussman the old rich dude (James
Cromwell) and Vanderbeer the investment banker (Charlie
Bewley). The plan, as it were, is to train these dudes,
sneak them on the island along with the gun cache, run some
fake maneuvers, then get them off the island safe and
sound. Got it?
It doesn't work. Lupo finds out, his right hand man
happens to be the the evil CIA agent we met earlier, somebody
important to McKenzie gets blown to bits, we're not going to
say who, one of our fat cats is stabbing us in the back, and
McKenzie swears to try to finish his promise to save these
people who he is in charge of, and maybe, if time allows, free
a small nation from the grips of tyranny.
If we were to base the worth of 'Soldiers of Fortune' on the
narrative alone, fully aware that the number one factor of any
story based form of entertainment is the story itself, we
would be forced to call 'Soldiers of Fortune' one of the worst
movies ever made. I would call it 'plot hole ridden' but
the whole thing is just one big hole. It truly… truly
makes no sense in any way, shape or form. It's almost
impossible to wrap your brain around anything that's happening
in this movie as you could probably pick any point at any time
as a demonstration of the storytelling incompetence in this
one, simply filled with moments that leaves the viewer slack
jawed saying 'wha…'? I'll pick one, just for fun.
The rebel tells McKenzie that they can sneak on the dark side
of the island because it's unprotected. McKenzie thinks
that makes sense. My question is… if you are an evil
dictator who has taken over a very small island and have to
kill rebel forces on a daily basis, would you leave an entire
section of your tiny island completely unguarded? And if
you are a seasoned, decorated U.S. American soldier special
ops badass, would that make sense to you? The whole
movie is insanely silly.
Here's the thing though. While the story is completely
awful, movies have the unique ability, unlike other
storytelling venues, to skate by on other stuff if the
filmmakers are lucky. The cast in this movie is
outstanding and they were acting in this completely disposable
movie as if they were paid to be outstanding. Director
Maxim Korostyshevsky obviously paid attention during film
school as his movie is filled with wonderfully lit and framed
shots, beautiful sweeping vistas, the action sequences are
above average and he paces it quickly, though there's not
enough speed in the world to race past this films egregious
narrative flaws.
What I'm saying is that 'Soldiers of Fortune', if you are the
forgiving type, and I'm talking Jesus Christ dying for our
sins type forgiveness, then this movie can be stupid
fun. However if you can't get past the critical flaws in
'Soldiers of Fortune', which are fatal for the most part,
believe me… I do understand.
