I'm watching this slasher flick 'Smiley'
based JUMP SCARE on some kind of random internet chat website
JUMP SCARE that I've never heard of. So what
director Michael J. Gallagher has done, in a script he also
co-wrote is taken this website, created a new urban JUMP SCARE
legend in the character of Smiley who kills obnoxious people
who get on this website after typing some inane comment three
times JUMP SCARE in the chat box. Did it work? No,
I don't think it did because 'Smiley' combines new hip
internet yakity yak with probably the most basic horror
conventions I've seen in a long time, one of these conventions
being, arguably, the most blatant over uses of the JUMP SCARE
that I believe I've ever seen.
Stacy, as played by actress Nikki Limo, is sexily lying on the
bed doing something when she's jump scared by the kid she's
babysitting. Since Ms. Limo was blessed with a nice
round booty, and since director Gallagher was focusing his
attentions on this booty, I was thinking that this booty was
going to be one of the stars of this movie, which would've
made this movie kind of awesome. But alas, Stacy the
babysitter was murdered by Smiley, via jump scare, but before
that happened she's jump scared by the father of the kid she's
babysitting.
Next we segue to this movies defacto final girl, Ashley
(Caitlin Gerard), who is starting college and has lucked up
and found an awesome place to live with the slutty girl going
by clever non de plume of Proxy (Melanie Papalia).
School might start tomorrow, but Proxy convinces Ashley that
should party hard, on what I'm guessing is Sunday night, smoke
some of the weed, imbibe massive quantities of alcohol and
watch some people type nonsense into the chatbox to summon
Smiley, which shocks the hell out of poor Ashley.
No worries though because it's all fake,
right? So Ashley jumps up the next morning and rushes to
the one class she's taking this semester, Theoretical Nonsense
101 as taught by the esoteric Dr. Clayton (Roger Bart), who
will say a lot of things, say them very well, and these will
have relevance to what's happening. I just don't what
that relevance is… but that's on me, not the filmmakers.
Things get worse for poor Ashley when Proxy convinces her to
chat with somebody and type in those words three times to see
if anybody actually dies, and damn if it doesn't happen and
damn if Smiley isn't real. Now Ashley's descent into
psychological hell begins, tortured by Smiley, people all
around her dying, cops not believing, shrink thinking she
needs to be committed, and her professor is especially
concerned… about getting that ass. Maybe Binder (Shane
Dawson) the pushed around geek can help? Maybe Zane
(Andrew James Allen) the paranoid asshole hacker knows what's
up. Or maybe Ashley is just crazy. Oh my… a jump
scare. What a surprise.
I watched 'Smiley' with my sixteen year old son by my side who
served as my translator. Now by profession, since this
thing I'm doing here pays very little, I am an IT Professional
so I know what the word 'proxy' means and I can setup and
deconstruct a network with the best of them, but alas I am a
social internet retard. My son, on the other hand being
a teenager and all, informed me that the majority of the cast
of 'Smiley' are YouTube stars and that the chatroom site this
film based on is 4chan, which he also informed me that the
site has devolved into a festival of virtual circle
jerking. I'll take his word on that. He also
hipped me on a lot of the jargon, like when a character said
Chocolate rain which apparently means viral video. Where
I was able to help the boy was in deconstructing how basic a
horror movie 'Smiley' turned out to be, and about thirty five
minutes in he was able to call out the jump scares even before
they happened, because they were so blatantly telegraphed.
This, all by itself, makes 'Smiley' a pretty lousy horror
movie though there are other factors which also didn't help
such as a cast of characters you can't wait to see die, a
group of actors who were generally ineffective as these
characters we can't wait to see die, and plot devices that
were lifted from other superior horror movies. We could
probably levy a lot of that issue on a writer / director who
is all of twenty three, not that a twenty three year old can't
make a rockin' horror flick, but this one came off leaving me
with the feeling of someone whose creative mojo came from the
limited experience of watching other horror movies.
It's all too bad really because Smiley himself was kind of
cool. The Smiley mask was suitably horrific and does
seem marketable so hopefully the filmmakers can get recoup
some extra loot selling it during Halloween, and the concept
of chat room killing people will
always find favor. The professor's tendency to spout out
deep philosophical concepts was interesting, and because Roger
Bart is such a good actor he made this stuff he was saying
sound intensely important, but his depth and this movies
overall shallowness didn't mesh together all that well.
And then we had the inclusion of the dulcet tones of one Keith
David whose mere appearance in a movie raises it up two
notches. I also told the boy, when Keith David's name
popped up in opening credits, that either he's gonna be a wise
loon spouting sage nonsense… which was Roger Bart's role… or a
cop. He was a cop. What surprise. I would've
made him a nontraditional college student just mix things up a
bit.
If you've never, ever seen a horror movie before, there is the
chance the first ten jump scares will work on you and the
references to other horror movies will be lost on you and you
might enjoy 'Smiley'. Then next ten jump scares will
probably kill it for you however, even if you've never seen a
horror movie.
