Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

In a performance that is certain to set relations between the north and the south back to the pre-civil war days, Crispin Glover dons a southern accent in the somewhat horror film ‘Simon Says’ that is worst than any accent I can recall hearing in all of my movie watching years.  That includes Kevin Costner’s British accent in ‘Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves’ and the Kenyan accent Halle Berry tried to use in the first ten minutes of ‘X-Men’ as Storm.  The sound of Crispin Glovers voice doing below the Mason Dixon will now haunt me to my grave, just like that song ‘Here comes the HotStepper’ continues to haunt me, playing itself over and over again in my brain.

Glover plays twin brothers Simon and Stanley.  At least I think he does, as it looks as if one of the brothers killed the other, as well as his parents, but I really can’t be too sure and writer / director William Dear wasn’t interested in clarifying any of this for me.  But one thing I do understand though is the need for college aged kids to make a road trip off into the uncharted backwoods of nowhere for some drinking, drugging, sexing and getting slaughtered.  This… I can get with.  Say hello to hero girl Kate (Margo Harshman), her boyfriend the athletic stud Riff (Artie Baxter), the lovable druggie Zack (Greg Cipes), Vicky the whore (Carrie Finklea) and uptight braniac girl Ashley (Kelly Vitz) who live in a world where only in movies can five people of such divergent personalities ever be friends.  The only thing missing was a wise cracking black guy who doesn’t belong, but being as how Braniac Ashley seems to be part Asian, we will see if she can serve as our quick to die minority in this show.  As we have said, this eclectic crew is driving down some unknown remote coastline looking for good times and first decide to stop and frolic in a graveyard run by a pair of freaky brothers who are NOT Simon and Stanley.  They tell them the story of the brothers, one being evil and the other being slow and how one of them killed up everybody which only convinces our crew to soldier on.

Back into the van our crew stop into ‘town’ and go get some gas and refreshments and meet Simon who stud Riff calls a ‘retard’.  Now who in the world meets a slow stuttering dude and calls him a ‘retard’?  People in movies and people in Internet Chat forums, that’s who, which is why Riff is gonna die.  After being distraught about being called a retard, Simon disappears and his twin Stanley appears and seems to have a real liking to hero girl Kate.  Creepy Stanley freaks everybody out pretty badly so our team runs off to do some camping and finally some dying.  Stanley you see seems to make a sport of hunting college kids and has all of these neat little contraptions he uses for his impalings and decapitations setup all over the woods, and eventually, to the surprise of absolutely no one, it will be up to Kate the hero girl to end Stanley’s savagery and save the day.

So what do I say about this ‘Simon Says’?  It is a competent film directed by hexegenarian William Dear who also brought us ‘Harry and Hedersons’(?)!  It is extremely violent, almost in a ‘The Hills have Eyes’ sense with pick axes galore entering chests a plenty, axes removing heads off of their necks, characters being set on fire, characters having their heads split in two and Vicky the whore flashing us her tits a couple of times.  So as far as what you would expect from a horror film in that particular fashion ‘Simon Says’ delivers the goods.

The film certainly looked good and the acting was also as good as can be expected in a film as this type, though it certainly doesn’t do anything to enhance the genre as the story is about as rudimentary as it comes, and then there’s Mr. Glover and that accent of his.  It was so bad and so distracting that I’m thinking it had to be done as a farce, and taken from that angle, it was pretty funny.  Also there was the whole Simon Says thing which they sometimes used and sometimes didn’t so they could have left that whole thing out, and lastly the ending was kind of confusing.

But alas, of you’re one for pick axes in the skull, and we know that there are plenty of you out there, and also if you’re not from the south and don’t become too insulted with Glovers mocking of your native dialect, then Simon Says could very well be the entertaining time waster, though not a scary one, for your time.  Personally, I could have done without seeing it though.

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