Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

One of the great things about NOT being a legitimate film critic is I can watch any freaking thing I want with the excuse that I’m going to write a review of it which totally justifies my watching it. You won’t catch Richard Corliss, Roger Ebert or Joel Siegel – if he were still alive that is – watching the stuff I watch. Well they probably watch it but they wouldn’t risk their reps in actually reporting it. Not me baby. I gots no stinking reputation so I watch it all, like this here movie ‘Secretaries’ which is a movie that features a bunch of porn stars who decide to show what they can do acting wise by only pretending to have sex in front of the camera instead of really having sex in front of the camera. Dare I say they should stick to their day jobs? Let us see.

Our film is being narrated by professional secretary Kelly Dobbs, played by the rather fetching Kelli Brown who as it so happens is not a porn star, but thank goodness this doesn’t stop her from getting naked and having fake sex in this ‘movie’. Kelly is a hard worker in the accounting department of this particular firm and has lofty ambitions for herself, and it looks like her hard work might be paying off as her good friend Amber, played by Alana Evans who you can also catch in ‘MILF Invaders 3’, has informed Kelli that the top executive secretary in the company has unexpectedly resigned, meaning that Kelly, considering her experience and work ethic, should get this gig with no problem. I should mention that before Amber can dispense this news she has to first daydream some fake sex with her boss Mr. Patterson,played by Dale DaBone, who you can also see in the award winning ‘Nasty Sluts who love it in Their Ass’. Classic!

Mr. Patterson however seems to be up to no good as he has placed the entire accounting department on notice because it appears to be losing the companies profits. Young junior accountant Randy (Chris Evans – not the famous one) has to find out where this money went or the whole department, including Kelly,is getting sacked.

Unfortunately Randy is distracted when the evil minx of a secretary, Jessica, seduces Randy with cheap nasty sex and puts a virus on his computer when he goes to wash up. We should mention that the critical role of Jessica was played by the lovely Jamie Sweet, who can also be seen in the timeless classic ‘Handjob Hunnies 8’.

Just as we suspected, the evil Jessica and the evil Mr. Patterson are in on the scam together, since they have fake sex like constantly in this ‘film’, but Randy, Kelly and Amber aren’t going go down like punks and they are going to expose Patterson and his evil assistant while working on the accounts by Kelly’s pool in their bathing suits. While Randy fantasizes about Amber and Kelly having hot lesbian sex. Outstanding!

So I ran across this movie ‘Secretaries’ while watching some movie or another presented by the Maverick Entertainment Group who has somehow managed to stop consumers from skipping past their trailers, forcing you to watch them no matter how putrid they may be. Maverick Entertainment obviously hates freedom. But since I was forced to watch the nudity filled trailer for ‘Secretaries’ I felt I had no other recourse than to acquire and watch the entire film. And what a film it was. I’m guessing ‘Secretaries’ is taking its cues from that Dolly Parton joint from back in the day ‘9 to 5’, considering the similar storylines, though I don’t recall Dabney Coleman and Lily Tomlin having fake sex in that flick. Not that anyone would want to see that. Though we gotta admit that watching Lily Tomlin engage is fake sex might have been slightly less painful than watching the stars of ‘Secretaries’, Kelli Brown excluded, attempting to ‘act’. Even for a cheap late night skinemax flick the acting in this film was truly some of the worst I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen some pretty bad acting in my day.

But let’s be honest with ourselves shall we? If we had wanted to see a real movie about secretaries, I’m sure ‘9 to 5’ or something else along those lines is easy enough to find. I would imagine ones only purpose in watching a film such as ‘Secretaries’ is to see people get naked and have fake sex, because hardcore real pornography makes these people uncomfortable. And if we take it for what its worth I suppose this film written and directed by Janine Gosselin at least delivers that, and plenty of it. All of the women in the movie do get all get naked and have plenty of simulated sex, except for one and this is notable since this is the blond woman who is featured on the box cover. No picture of Kelli Brown on the cover though. Can you say racism. Most of the dudes get naked too, if you like that kind of thing, though women (or certain fellas) who watch stuff like this might be disappointed in that you get no male full frontal. Since there’s so much fake sex going on there’s not a lot of time or effort put into the ‘narrative’ per se, but if someone out there is aware of one of these kinds of movies that has a compelling story line and decent acting, I would love to see it.

In the end it would seem that our porn stars are probably better served doing what they normally do as opposed to ‘crossing over’ so to speak, though we do admit that star Kelli Brown isn’t a bad actress in addition to being damn good looking. It’s because I insist on watching movies like this that I will never get any kind of respect or legitimacy as a ‘real’ film critic, and dammit, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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