Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
The challenge for us today is to review 'Scary MoVie'.  Note the capital 'V' in the middle to indicate that this is the fifth one of these.  Clever.  You see, spoof movies in general are a challenge to talk about because they are usually about absolutely nothing.  Then when we get a spoof movie that's not very good, say like 'Scary MoVie', one has even less to talk about because one generally just doesn't care enough to speak of it.  But yet this is what I've chosen to do with my life up to this point, though as an American I can make a change anytime I want.  I might do that today.

Since this is a Zucker-esque spoof movie, pop culture references are the order of the day.  We start out with pop culture icons Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan prepping for sex.  Beforehand we knew this was the big coup in the movie, getting Charlie and Lindsay to make fun of themselves for hilarity and profit, so it's kind of critical to the success of this movie, if you were to ask me, that this be funny or 'Scary MoVie' has shot its wad early.  Premature eruption has been realized.  It's not that this scene wasn't funny… okay… it wasn't funny.  I could feel the effort though.

Then we move along to Snoop and some white rapper who I don't recognize.  I don't know if this cat was famous for real or he was pretending to be Eminem.  Beats me.  They find some kids in a Cabin in the Woods… a movie that was funnier than this one, by the way… and this leads us into what is going to qualify as a 'narrative' for this film.  There are three kids in this cabin who belonged to Charlie Sheen at one time, but now it's up to his brother Dan (Simon Rex), one of the lesser known Estevez brothers, and his wife Jody (Ashley Tisdale) to step up to the plate.  I think that's the voice of Morgan Freeman, or some reasonable facsimile, narrating this mess.  If it is Morgan, dang Mr. Freeman… I know its easy loot… but dang.
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Now the pop culture, movie and entertainment references get to flowing fast and furious like.  I think I picked up on 'Mama', saw some new age 'Planet of the Apes' action, there's a heavy 'Black Swan' influence going on, picked up a little 'Inception' which led to some 'Fifty Shades of Grey Action'…  about that book, and if you haven't stopped reading this rambling mess by now, you can click elsewhere because this has nothing to do with this movie, but I got a word quota to fill… I decided to give it to shot to see what the hubbub was all about.  First 80 pages or so, pure tedium B.S., like the worst book ever.  Around page 82… pure porn.  This is what passes for female entertainment?  Around page 100 I had to call it quits.  Come on ladies, you can do better than this.  I got some stuff hidden on the floor of the closet that I'm more than willing to let you borrow.

Moving along… more pop culturistic stuff happens, got the whole 'Paranormal Activity' thing going on, and to this movies benefit, it is funnier than those 'Paranormal Activity' movies.  And where I come from, we call that ending on a positive note.

My friends, I cannot sit here and tell you that I watched this entire movie and did not laugh.  That would be a lie.  In fact the spoof of the notorious lesbian scene from 'Black Swan' was actually pretty funny on top of being a little on the clever side.  However, running at a terminally long seventy minutes or so, 'Scary MoVie' does violate 'Christopher's First Rule of Comedy'.  If you've never read these pages, this rule is a simple one.  Dookey isn't funny.  Never has been.  Never will be.  So while I can imagine the filmmakers thought apes throwing dookey, not once, not twice, but multiple times would be funny… it wasn't.  Why?  Because Dookey Isn't Funny.  Dookey is nasty.  Thus even if 'Scary MoVie' was the funniest movie ever, by violating my first rule of comedy, this funny would be void now.

As it shakes out, regardless of the dookey, 'Scary MoVie' wasn't the funniest movie ever.  Though there were funny bits, they were few and far between.  Folks getting punched in the face and kicked in the nuts just stops being even remotely amusing after a while, but yet these sight gags kept coming and coming.  Whaddayagonnado?

The saving grace for this fifth Scary Movie installment is that it's not one of those Friedberg / Seltzer joints like Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans and the now legendary 'Disaster Movie' which has taken the top spot as the worst movie ever made.  This is better than those.  Way better. I mean this movie isn't all that funny, but I didn't want to punch somebody after I left the theater.  And if that quote can't make it on a DVD box cover, I don't know what else I can do.
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