The challenge for us today is to review
'Scary MoVie'. Note the capital 'V' in the middle to
indicate that this is the fifth one of these.
Clever. You see, spoof movies in general are a challenge
to talk about because they are usually about absolutely
nothing. Then when we get a spoof movie that's not very
good, say like 'Scary MoVie', one has even less to talk about
because one generally just doesn't care enough to speak of
it. But yet this is what I've chosen to do with my life
up to this point, though as an American I can make a change
anytime I want. I might do that today.
Since this is a Zucker-esque spoof movie, pop culture
references are the order of the day. We start out with
pop culture icons Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan prepping for
sex. Beforehand we knew this was the big coup in the
movie, getting Charlie and Lindsay to make fun of themselves
for hilarity and profit, so it's kind of critical to the
success of this movie, if you were to ask me, that this be
funny or 'Scary MoVie' has shot its wad early. Premature
eruption has been realized. It's not that this scene
wasn't funny… okay… it wasn't funny. I could feel the
effort though.
Then we move along to Snoop and some white rapper who I don't
recognize. I don't know if this cat was famous for real
or he was pretending to be Eminem. Beats me. They
find some kids in a Cabin in the Woods… a movie that was
funnier than this one, by the way… and this leads us into what
is going to qualify as a 'narrative' for this film.
There are three kids in this cabin who belonged to Charlie
Sheen at one time, but now it's up to his brother Dan (Simon
Rex), one of the lesser known Estevez brothers, and his wife
Jody (Ashley Tisdale) to step up to the plate. I think
that's the voice of Morgan Freeman, or some reasonable
facsimile, narrating this mess. If it is Morgan, dang
Mr. Freeman… I know its easy loot… but dang.
Now the pop culture, movie and entertainment
references get to flowing fast and furious like. I think
I picked up on 'Mama', saw some new age 'Planet of the Apes'
action, there's a heavy 'Black Swan' influence going on,
picked up a little 'Inception' which led to some 'Fifty Shades
of Grey Action'… about that book, and if you haven't
stopped reading this rambling mess by now, you can click
elsewhere because this has nothing to do with this movie, but
I got a word quota to fill… I decided to give it to shot to
see what the hubbub was all about. First 80 pages or so,
pure tedium B.S., like the worst book ever. Around page
82… pure porn. This is what passes for female
entertainment? Around page 100 I had to call it
quits. Come on ladies, you can do better than
this. I got some stuff hidden on the floor of the closet
that I'm more than willing to let you borrow.
Moving along… more pop culturistic stuff happens, got the
whole 'Paranormal Activity' thing going on, and to this movies
benefit, it is funnier than those 'Paranormal Activity'
movies. And where I come from, we call that ending on a
positive note.
My friends, I cannot sit here and tell you that I watched this
entire movie and did not laugh. That would be a
lie. In fact the spoof of the notorious lesbian scene
from 'Black Swan' was actually pretty funny on top of being a
little on the clever side. However, running at a
terminally long seventy minutes or so, 'Scary MoVie' does
violate 'Christopher's First Rule of Comedy'. If you've
never read these pages, this rule is a simple one.
Dookey isn't funny. Never has been. Never will
be. So while I can imagine the filmmakers thought apes
throwing dookey, not once, not twice, but multiple times would
be funny… it wasn't. Why? Because Dookey Isn't
Funny. Dookey is nasty. Thus even if 'Scary MoVie'
was the funniest movie ever, by violating my first rule of
comedy, this funny would be void now.
As it shakes out, regardless of the dookey, 'Scary MoVie'
wasn't the funniest movie ever. Though there were funny
bits, they were few and far between. Folks getting
punched in the face and kicked in the nuts just stops being
even remotely amusing after a while, but yet these sight gags
kept coming and coming. Whaddayagonnado?
The saving grace for this fifth Scary Movie installment is
that it's not one of those Friedberg / Seltzer joints like
Epic Movie or Meet the Spartans and the now legendary
'Disaster Movie' which has taken the top spot as the worst
movie ever made. This is better than those. Way
better. I mean this movie isn't all that funny, but I didn't
want to punch somebody after I left the theater. And if
that quote can't make it on a DVD box cover, I don't know what
else I can do.
