Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
So I have this stack of Sci-Fi original movies that I literally own.  I mean I paid good money for these things.  But every time I reach for one, it's like I'm on the set of 'Deer Hunter' or something as the fear I'm about to load the chamber with a crap movie that will completely waste my time is almost debilitating.  But instead of one in the revolver it's like five in the revolver.  It's almost a bonafide guarantee.  Today's battle with the Russian Roulette that is my DVD player is 'Savage Planet' and it was awful.  But does that mean we didn't have a good time watching it?  No it does not.

Dateline… the future.   India and Pakistan have finally got around to inevitably nuking each other to death, robbing the future world of M.D.'s and cab drivers, but also pretty much poisoning the entire planet which is on its last legs.  No worries though because sleazy CEO Mr. Carlson (Roman Padhora) has just discovered an awesome planet that has a fauna almost identical to Earth, minus the poison, plus he's developed a StarGate to ferry a team the 20,000 light years to be the first to explore this planet for human consumption. 

Actually, Carlson is totally lying about being the first since he's already sent a team there to check out the planet, a team that was eaten by giant, super smart bears.  Say what?  Yup!  Giant, Intergalactic Space Bears!

This awesome team consists of security leader Kane (Sean Patrick Flannery) and a bunch of other people who will be dead real soon.  Except maybe super pretty, virtually flawless blonde hottie Allison Carlson (Reagan Pasternak) who will maintain her superglo lip gloss smackers throughout this entire picture, no matter what hell these people will go through. 
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Our team thinks they are going to check the planet for living conditions, but problems occur almost immediately when the last guy through the stargate hits land without any bones.  That's not supposed to happen.  The science dude thinks there might be 'a glitch' in the system.  Sure am glad he's on top of this.  Then the bears attack.  Kind of.  Not really.  We see though sepia green bear vision of the bears looking at humans, we hear them growl, then occasionally we get some recycled NatGeo stock footage of bears rushing or standing on their hind legs.  Get used to this stock footage.  Seriously. 

Kane, the security expert, has decided they need to go back through the bone melting stargate to get home, but alas Carlson the asshole has rigged it.  Seems like this planet is about to implode and the only thing he really wanted was the green magic goo that regenerates stuff.  We're not going to get into it.  And the truth of the matter is he probably didn't need to drag all these people to their deaths just to get this goo on this collapsing planet with the giant recycled stock footage of intergalactic bears. 

Can Kane get the people… uh… himself and the best looking woman in the cast off this planet before it explodes and before the detached bear hands swipe at him again?  Probably. 

Yes, even though 'Savage Planet' is kind of terrible, we still kind of liked it.  Why is this?  One major reason is that I have terrible taste in movies, but most of you who read these pages already know this.  But digging deeper, Savage Planet is actually pretty funny.  I mean, you have this expedition across rugged lands and you have to take a lawyer along.  I get that, we need legal representation, but did they need to take the fattest lawyer they could find?  I'm sure there are intergalactic property law barristers in the future who work out.  And do you think that future tech will still rely on disc technology to transfer data?  Hell, we don't do this all that much in the present.  Mind you, to get back to earth you need to put your DNA data disc in the machine, which looked like some kind of tech that the movie 'The Forbidden Planet' way back in 1954 would be embarrassed to present, but you keep your disk in your pocket.  Obviously future CD's are super scratch resistant. 

But while the stock footage bears did a poor job of selling us on the legitimacy of this so-called Savage Planet, and we probably would've preferred poorly designed CGI monsters as opposed to stock footage, and sure some of the performances were not exactly Shakespearean in quality, and the awesomeness of Reagan Pasternak's glowing lips were distracting, we do have to admit that we were rarely bored while watching this movie.  Because it had a guy get into a knife fight with a pair of detached bear claws.  You don't see that every day.  Because it had a Black guy in the cast that we thought might survive, until he said he had a wife with two beautiful kids and how they keep him going.  Because knife fight guy kept kissing his love interest, even though she had no longer possessed a lower body, which also meant she had no vagina, which meant he must've really been in love with her.  That was touching. 

Admittedly, most sane people will hate this movie.  Is stupid, it blew its entire budget on Sean Patrick Flannery and little else, and it had special effects that consisted of stock footage and trees.  But we are not sane here at the FCU.  Sanity, we have learned, is over rated.
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