Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

‘Rod Steel 0014: You Only Live until you Die’ is probably a movie that you should really watch after you’ve downed a few adult beverages, assuming of course you are an adult reading this, because I find that certain movies are exponentially better under the influence than others. This doesn’t always work as just the other day while watching the Korean flick ‘Woman on the Beach’, a movie which totally killed my buzz as it required way to much thinking and introspection which totally counteracts the glorious effects of my good friends Jack, Jim and Chivas. But this? A bad comedy spoof with lots of people pretending to have sex? It would be just plain silly to watch it sober.

Our film opens with a man getting blowed up real good by a remote control rubber duckie. It’s that kind of movie. Soon our hero, the titular Rod Steele played with all kinds of glee and gusto by Robert Donovan doing his best Sean Connery, emerges from the pool in his tuxedo to the infinite joy of a cutie sitting by the pool with arguably the worlds largest nipples who proceeds to play with herself while Rod battles bad guy after bad guy in hopes of joining her. Alas for poor Rod it is not to be. This is about the time it dawns on me that this is a soft core porno flick because I originally thought it was just a straight silly spoof.

So Rod goes to meet his handler P (William Knight) who sends him on his next mission to stop the nefarious Tangarina (De’Ann Power) who has kidnapped all the hookers in Prague or somewhere for some evil cause. Budget cuts have limited the number of gadgets that 0014 has in his arsenal, except for one incredibly cheap looking device that shoots tranquilizer darts. As Miss Pennyworth (Delphine Pacific) drives 0014 to the airport we meet Dr. Fez who is also catching a flight and is mighty concerned that his device, which makes people sexually crazy with just a click of a button, could fall into the wrong hands. By a sheer coincidence it looks EXACTLY like Rod’s little device. What are the chances of these two accidentally switching devices I wonder?

Just so we can see what this device does, Dr. Fez accidentally presses the button while pointing it at Miss Pennyworth who immediately gets naked and screws the bartender. This again force me to marvel at these male actors, who I’m going to assume like women, can maintain their ‘professionalism’ while be being buck ass naked having fake sex with a woman as hot as Delphine Pacific. Simply Amazing. Anyway, with the wrong device in his possession Rod is in Prague, which looks a lot like Van Nuys, and has tracked down the missing agent 0013 (Sita Rene Thompson) who has been brainwashed by the evil Tangerina into being a prostitute. Rod rescues her, but first he has to accidentally hit her with the sex machine which causes her do her simulated sex thing with some random dude. One thing we can count on for damn sure in this movie is that Rod will be pointing that machine at numerous hot women. Amazingly, this machine even works when you point it at the telephone as we are blessed with hot operators doing their simulated sex thing too. In between all this fake sex, Rod has to save the world because Tangerina has one of the wackier world domination plans in recent memory that involves forcibly removing the semen of powerful men using one of those penis enlarging suction tubes. You’d have to see it for yourself.

What can be said about ‘Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live until you Die’? As a comedy it passes slightly as it did contain a few inspired comical moments, though far more jokes died flopping around lifelessly on the studio floor than actually hit their mark. As one of those Cinemax style late night soft core movies it was far more successful as pretty much every woman who showed up in this thing got naked and pretended to have sex with something, with something sometimes being a large python. Well actually there was one woman who didn’t get naked, and that was the Madam of the brothel played by one Michelle Bauer. This was made all the more curious because in a previous life Miss Bauer was known by the name of Pia Snow who in the 80’s was a premiere hardcore porno actress, but here we get nothing. What a shame. But aside from that, being a female and keeping your clothes on was not option in this movie. Hell, being a dude and keeping your clothes on wasn’t really an option either for that matter.

More interesting was watching director Rolfe Kanefsky discuss his movie on the DVD extras and watching some of the ‘auditions’. This DVD is almost worth getting for that alone. As Kanefsky smartly observed, even women who have never acted before seem to have the innate ability to expertly fake an orgasm in front of camera in room full of dudes they don’t know. Gets one to thinking. There are other little cut outs and takes from the DVD that makes you want to get into filmmaking for real, if only for the audition process. Outstanding.

No, ‘Rod Steele 0014: You only live until you die’ isn’t a good movie in the sense of pacing, acting, lighting, and all that other movie stuff you might expect but it IS a good movie in the sense of naked women faking having sex. Admittedly I haven’t seen a helluva lot of fake sex movies, but I am of the mindset that you would be hard pressed to find a better fake sex movie than this one.

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