The Golden age of the glorious title
continues over at the SyFy Channel and their original
movies. Last week, or two weeks ago, or last year… I
can't remember… it was 'Red Neck
Cajun Gators', and today it's 'Robocroc'. The
content of these movies largely remains the same, but the
titles do generate some interest. I mean I'm going to
watch this junk regardless of what they call it, but outside
of our circle of the precious few, these titles might be
drawing in a few new unsuspecting souls.
Super Scientist Dr. Riley (the
Legendary Dee Wallace) has just launched the payload off of a
space rocket. What's on this payload?
For starters Dr. Riley is on the scene and
she's tossing around info like they're manhole covers, Col.
Montgomery (Steve Hartley) is here and he's not very fond of
Dr. Riley because she's all evil and stuff, but most
importantly this zoo has just hired the comely zoologist Jane
(Lisa McCalister) who will be Duffy's sidekick for the
duration of this film. Actually, most importantly, is
that actor Atanas Srebrev has popped up yet again in one of
these Bulgarian shot movies, this time as Marshall the Zoo
Director, and his lead as the most populous actor at the Film
Critics United website is now looking insurmountable.
Only Eric Roberts seems poised to challenge this.
Regardless of all of that, Duffy and Jane are hunting Bessie
who has broken out of the zoo and is super strong and super
hungry. They have also found a piece of Bessie's hide
which looks to be turning into metal. Say what!
Hell yeah… Bessie is literally turning into a robotic
crocodile. Naturally, since Bessie is killing everything
and everybody, we should try to disable this robocroc, but Dr.
Riley can't have that because innocents getting brutally
murdered is exactly the scenario she was looking for with the
live test of her awesome nanobots. I honestly don't know
what more proof Dr. Riley needs to see that they work, but the
woman is nothing if not completely evil.
Oh yeah… also Duffy has a teenage son who is at a local
Bulgarian water park with his weird friend and some hot
chick. This normally wouldn't be an issue but apparently
all the water pathways in Bulgaria are linked… like the zoo
where the murderous animals are kept is linked to the kiddie
water park which is linked to the fishing pond. In
hindsight, as Bessie was eating water park people, this is
what we call crap infrastructure.
How do we stop the RoboCroc? Hell if I know. I was
thinking we should nuke it, but they have a better plan.
I would nuke it.
How can we judge the quality of this movie 'Robocroc'?
If this were a regular movie… it's awful. It moves too
slowly, the acting is generally atrocious, and the plot is
nonsensical. But this isn't a regular movie. It's
a SyFy Channel original and these get rated a little
differently as you well know, and thus armed with this
knowledge, 'Robocroc' is a mediocre SyFy original. It's
still too slow, and the acting is still generally atrocious,
but a nonsensical plot is par for the course and there is some
random awesomeness thrown in here and there.
For instance, when Dee Wallace gave that chick a karate chop
to the throat? Awesomeness. Who did that chick
think she was messing with? Or when that gator wrangler
jumped on a completely metallic crocodiles back to wrassle
with it, and got what he deserved for his stupidty…
Awesomeness. Or when Duffy's son, observing the hot
chick he was with just suffered through the loss of her
boyfriend and best friend getting eaten by the robocroc,
wasted no time in pushing up on that… Awesomeness. I
think a mourning period of 36 minutes is completely
adequate. And then there was Dr. Riley's completely
devastating Robocroc Ipad app. Or was that a google
app? Regardless, I want the Robocroc app. I would
use my Robocroc for good though. Like… uh… well… I can't
think anything right now, but I'm sure there is a solid use
for a Robocroc.
But you will have to get past the relative slowness, atrocious
acting, and nonsensical plot get to these randomly awesome
moments. I think you can do it.
Why nanobots of course. Now 'Robocroc'
starts off with a bit of confusion right off the bat.
Apparently the nanobots on this rocket ship are designed to
enter some kind of organic being, I guess, and turn them into
killing machines. They put these on a space
rocket. Our simple question, before the rocket
malfunctioned and crashed into a zoo, would be where the F@#K
was this rocket ship heading too? Dr. Riley informed us
something about live tests or something, but were they doing
this live test on the moon? On Mars? Work with me
So the payload crashes into a zoo, the
nanobots escape and find their way into Bessie, a 25 foot
Australian crocodile. I think that was her name.
It was some old ladies name like Louise or Martha or
Clementine or Mildred. I can't remember. Now
Bessie is all blessed with Predator Vision and stuff and ready
to destroy. Fortunately for us we have Duffy the zoo
keeper (Corin Nemec) and he knows how to handle Bessie, who he
is quite fond of. Or at least he could handle normal
Bessie. This Bessie on the other hand, not so
much. The good thing is that he doesn't to have to
handle this situation all by himself.