RHI is on a roll now, first hitting us with a straight right jab a couple of weeks back with their Sci-Fi Original ‘Ferocious Planet’, which we liked, and now doubling up with a couple of left hooks to the body with their latest ‘Sci-Fi’ Original ‘Roadkill’. A movie about a crew of crazy American kids on a road trip towards the middle of nowhere when they get attacked by something or another and find they have crap cellphone service. A concept as crazy fresh as that has to work, right?
So lets’ meet our American young people in Ireland. There’s Kate who looks to be final girl material and is played by the very British Kacey Barnfield, then there’s her best friend and fellow American Anita played by Roisin Murphy who I believe is Irish. You see Kate still loves her American boyfriend, Ryan the jock from Chicago , played by the British actor Oliver James. It’s a horror movie, kind of, so we need an American Black Guy, Tommy, who will be played by British actor Kobna Holdbrook-Smith, we need an Obnoxious American, Chuck, played by Irish actor Diarmuid Noyes and we an American Slut, Hailey, as provided by British actress Eliza Bennett. Oh and Kate has a younger brother in Joel as played by actor Colin Maher. We think he’s British too. Why they had these British and Irish actors pretend to be Americans instead of just having them be British and Irish, we don’t know. I guess we American TV watchers aren’t comfy with people who talk all funny and stuff.
So our kids have a glorious trip planned down the Irish countryside, because Kate has a job there and all, and Tommy has gotten them one of those Winnebago type deals sent to Ireland from Germany. Actually that will be a little relevant. So Chuck is the guy who causes trouble who should never be invited to these things, and we know this because he farts at inappropriate times and looks down our ladies shirts and stuff. Note that all of our pretend American ladies seem to be blessed with glorious breasts so we can’t be too mad at Chuck about that.
To accelerate things, Chuck, causing trouble, runs over a gypsy lady with the Winnebago. She kind of had it coming but nonetheless, this is what happened. With her dying breath she tells these kids that they will soon meet the Simuroc! Say whaaaa….
Fortunately for us little brother Joel has the mythical beast knowledge gene and informs the crew that the Simuroc is a giant mythical bird that eats pretend Americans. But that’s just crazy talk… oh damn, there it goes taking away the hot best friend. After gashing her pretty face. Time to flee. Until there’s a flat. Whose gonna change that flat? Be he American or British, he’s still a Black Guy and he volunteers. Time to flee without the Black Guy with the gashed face.
Know what this movie needs right now, because the vicious bird isn’t enough? How about some inbred hillbilly Irish gypsies? Say hello to Luca (Ned Dennehy) and his crew, and he wants his necklace back. It’s complicated. But know that Luca is a total dick. Stephen Rea is in this movie too, but they could’ve got me or you to do this glorified cameo it was so insignificant.
So apparently when the gypsies curse you there’s not a lot you can do except die, but our pretend American kids do their damndest to try to survive, and maybe even find some love in the process.
‘Roadkill’ is so intensely silly and at almost no time makes any kind of logical sense, even for a monster movie, that it’s difficult not to extract some kind of entertainment value from it. Undoubtedly my favorite character was Luca the inbred Irish gypsy hillbilly leader. He seems like a semi regular guy, but this cat could cover miles of open Irish marshland like it was nobody’s business. How this guy managed to be in a pub one moment, then without any form of motorized transportation meet our RV enabled travelers fifty miles down the road at some house the next moment is truly phenomenal. He did this through the whole movie, always three miles ahead of our fake American kids always knowing where they are, unless of course they are sitting right under his nose.
Luca really needs that bird repelling necklace. But does he? We thought the bird only ate those who received the curse, but then it ate Luca’s girlfriend who wasn’t cursed, but it didn’t eat Luca, who really needs this necklace, who likes to hang out by the Simuroc nest taunting pretend American kids.
Here’s an idea. Flat tire on a three ton RV… evil bird somewhere outside. How about two of us change the tire and one of us be on bird lookout. How about that? Yet another senseless murder of a fake American Black Man. And why did the slut and the final girl hate each other? Actually I guess I shouldn’t call her the Final Girl because this movie had the always rare Final Boy. Our Final Girl went all ‘Apocalypse Now’ on us in a truly inspired scene self induced insanity.
Yes the bird looked kind of crappy, but that’s why we had hillbilly gypsies. Sure the movie was wildly inconsistent and erratic, but outside of Hailey the slut on occasion, most of these actors were super consistent in keeping their accents in check. What I’m saying is that ‘Roadkill’ is like another Sci-Fi epic, ‘Pterodactyl’, only entertaining. And there’s no Coolio.