Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

So I’m gonna give this movie ‘Revamped’ a good review even though it’s truly awful. Now some of this awfulness is by design but the majority of it is due to its sheer ineptitude, but the only thing I care about when I finish watching a movie is whether or not it entertained me in some form, and ‘Revamped’ entertained me despite itself.

Jeff Rector, who wrote, produced, starred and directed this little ditty, plays the character of Richard who is about to celebrate his one year wedding anniversary when he gets the disturbing news that his wife has been cheating on him for almost the entire length of their marriage, with some guy played by Kato Kaelin no less. Needless to say that eating behind Kato Kaelin has Richard attempting suicide, just like I would do, but that being an unmitigated failure he decides to place a call to an infomercial he had just seen which promises an eternal life of being an undead blood sucker. Richard is soon visited by a representative of this organization, Lilith (Tane McClure), but though Richard has second thoughts about becoming a vampire, once Lilith gives up a sample of that undead pootie, he decides to do the damn thing and get his revenge against his cheating wife. Unfortunately something goes terribly wrong whilst Richard waits to be reanimated and his revenge will have to be put on pause for a little while.

Five years have passed and through a freakish set of circumstances Richard finally comes back to life as a functioning member of the undead society. He immediately finds Kato and kills him and is on the search for some more info about being undead which leads to some weird club where the undead hang out. In the process of being at the club, Richard kills up a bunch of snuff filmmakers but is saved from getting skinned by the remainder of these dudes by the pretty virginal Mary (Alana Curry) who gives Richard the 411 on what has happened while he has been away. Apparently there was

a war between vampires and humans as the whole ‘choosing to be vampire’ phenomena got completely out of control with almost all vampires being wiped out. There are a few surviving half breed vampires, of which Mary is one of, who live in sanctuary while Dr. Van Dyke (Victor Lundin) researches a cure for them. Unfortunately there is a group of vampire hunters who are on a mission to stamp out all vampires, half breeds and full breeds alike, but there is also a group of radical vampires led by the evil Vladimus (The LEGENDARY Billy Drago) who have a rather nefarious plan to fill the world with darkness forever so the time of the vampire can begin. Well Richard can’t let this happen because he, as it turns out, is ‘The One’ which I’m not going get all into, but by siding with hard nosed police detective Reager (The LEGENDARY Martin Cove), who I might add works for chief Michaels (The LEGENDARY Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson), the alive and undead must form a union to put an end to the evil plans of the evil Vladimus!

So as you can see this is movie that is chock full of legends! Or at least these cats are legends to me. Now when approaching ‘Revamped’, you may ask is this a movie that is filled with crisp professional quality acting? Oh good heavens no. And this despite having legends on board. ‘Revamped’ is also a film with its tongue planted firmly in its left cheek as it has a lot of intended humor and quirky one liners. Unfortunately a lot of the ‘intended’ humor falls short but it is more than made up for by goo gobs of unintended humor, and well, does it really matter if a movie wanted to make you laugh WHERE it made you laugh? I don’t think so.

As a filmmaker, perhaps my man Jeff Rector isn’t exactly Martin Scorcese as ‘Revamped’ had a very erratic pace to it, some of his shots weren’t framed so well and some the actors where in poor positions like standing too close to walls and casting hard shadows which kind of etched away at the professionalism of the project. There was one particularly odd scene where Marty Kove and his partner played by Paul Michael Robinson where having a conversation and were supposed to get out of the car. Robinson made the motion to get out of the car but just sat there with the camera trained on his back as it was obvious he was told just to make the motion, but not actually get out of the car. I’m thinking they could have cut that scene a little tighter. Come on Mr. Editor, help me out here.

Aside from the fantastic unintended humor, this movie also had the added plus of having Christa Campbell in it, who I just saw yesterday in the Cuba Gooding Jr. vehicle ‘Hero Wanted’. You might not know Christa’s name but if you watch B-flicks you’ve no doubt seen her. I mean girlfriend was in ‘Mansquito’ for the love of God. A very beautiful woman along with another B-fave of mine Amy Webber, I must one day take a film class and put these two titanic talents in a movie together. Yeah they may not be Cate Blanchett and Helen Mirren, but they got other things going for them Cate and Helen just can’t match.

Bottom line is you might like your movies to be tightly edited with flawless sound and possess Shakespearean level acting. Well, don’t get anyhwhere near revamped because you will kill yourself after watching it. I like to be entertained and I managed to glean some entertainment from this flick, despite the fact it inexplicably did not have ANY gratuitous nudity. Just make sure you rectify that oversight next time Mr. Rector and I will be in line to see your next glorious masterpiece.

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