Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

In this film ‘Porn Shoot Massacre’ we meet Chrissy (Shelly Martinez) who is prepping for a big day. Chrissy needs a shower to begin this day. Eight seconds in and we are already a witness to inflated Double D’s and full frontal. Not quite a record but damn quick from zero to titty. I’m thinking, as Chrissy steps out of the shower, that she should probably moisturize because who exits a shower and doesn’t moisturize? Chrissy grabs her lotion and starts to moisturize. Outstanding. Chrissy, an actress who works in the adult industry, has a gig like no other working for hot new director Malfini (Robert Ambrose) and snagging her biggest paycheck to date. Unfortunately Chrissy will not make it to this gig as she is stalked and murdered by a large dude wearing what looks like a jockstrap with eyeholes cut out of it on his face. Tragic.

Why would anybody do that to a large breasted woman trying to make a living? This leads us to Mr. Malfini and his latest film, which he hopes to be the greatest pornographic masterpiece ever. First on the set is porn star Sandra (Cassandra St. James) and her augmented D’s, and Sandra is none to pleased at this dump she’s been paid to work in. Worst still, Malfini wants her to ‘make love’ to her co-star as opposed to what these pro’s usually do. Being the actress that she is however, Sandra digs deep, connects with her and her co-star, makes love and then is beheaded by the large jock strap wearing lunatic about ten minutes later.

Then the Princess and her all naturals shows up on set as played by actress Naomi Cruise who we personally thought was simply brilliant in the film ‘Phat Ass White Booty 2’. Caught the true essence of her character in that one… not that I’ve actually seen that movie. Princess’s scene will involve a dwarf and the lovely Missy as played by Kasey Poteet. You can also catch Miss Poteet in the neo-classic ‘Your Mom Tossed My Salad 4’. Who in the hell names these porno movies? These are actual movies these ladies showed up in. I’m not making these titles up. Lastly, Beretta the dominatrix (Lynette A. Nachayeva) shows up spitting venom and not getting naked. What’s up with that? This is about the time Malfini explains to us that he isn’t making a porn flick at all but a real live horror style snuff movie as Jock Strap Face sends Beretta to her final resting place.

Now even though this movie is almost over, Final Girl Halie (Shirley Harper) finally shows up and it doesn’t take long for her to figure out this situation. Even Malfini doesn’t know the whole situation since its way worse than he even imagined. Now everybody is on the run from Jock Strap Face with the fate of the porno industry lying in the balance. I think.

My friends… it would be very easy to trash director Corbin Timbrook’s film ‘Porn Shoot Massacre’. I mean look at it. Even though Timbrook has quite a few directorial credits under his belt ‘Porn Shoot Massacre’ is amateurish to the point where most porno flicks seem to be more professionally done, but then perhaps this is the design. Crazy… like a fox!

Then there are our actresses, a few of whom as we have pointed out are real live actual working pornographic actresses. It is movies like this that highlight the fact that acting really isn’t easy. And I’m talking about simple line recital here and not Meryl Streep, Cate Blanchette full character embodiment. However for what was required of our actresses I seriously doubt that either Cate or Meryl would’ve been able to pull this off. Now not all of actresses were stiff and wooden… their breasts were, except for Naomi Cruise who I believe was the only actress in the movie sporting original equipment, but Cassandra St. James added a touch of natural flair to her character before finding her head separated from her shoulders and Shirley Harper, who is mighty good looking, made for a solid final girl in the fifteen minutes she was in this movie. She probably should’ve have been introduced a little earlier.

Yes, it would be easy to trash ‘Porn Shoot Massacre’, mainly because it is absolutely terrible in almost every conceivable category but… there’s something there, at least from where I sit, that keeps it from being total garbage. What this something is I don’t really know… but possibly it’s the whole amateurishness of the event or the terrible acting or the plethora of pumped up saline filled breasts that just comes together to form something semi-magical… I really don’t know. Whatever it was, it did make ‘Porn Shoot Massacre’ oddly watchable which is more than I can say for most porn movies. If the goal of ‘Porn Shoot Massacre’ was to craft something more entertaining and more watchable than say… ‘Your Mom Tossed My Salad’… then I believe the crew has succeeded. Simply Outstanding. Please note that I haven’t yet seen ‘Your Mom Tossed My Salad’ so if by chance it is a cinematic masterpiece, my apologies to the filmmakers.