Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Who, in their right mind, thought this was a good idea?  Surely the geniuses at the then Sci-Fi Channel saw 'Raptor Island' and observed that it is probably the worst original movie they have ever released.  Allow that to sink in.  The worst Sci-Fi Original movie ever.  I mean there has to be a worst, and in my opinion… that was the one.  But somewhere in a board room someone said, 'Let's greenlight a sequel to the worst movie we've ever made', and somebody agreed to this.  But relax my friends, because 'Planet Raptor' is to 'Raptor Island' what Rotten Food is to Death.  Meaning that while rotten food is gross, it's better than dying.  That's a compliment to Planet Raptor when you think about it.  Really. 

First beef.  The opening credits say something along the lines that this movie is based on characters created by… whoever the dudes were that made 'Raptor Island'.  Now I don't know about this.  There are two holdover actors in Stephen Bauer and Peter Jason, but they are playing two different characters, so there are no hold over characters that I'm aware of.  The only thing that's held over from the first movie are poorly rendered CGI raptors and I don't think those dudes created the velociraptor, so what are they getting credit for?

Anyway, last time it was an island, this time we are in space.  Raptors in space.  Outstanding.  Hardcore Space Marine Mace Carter (Bauer) is tagged with protecting the science crew of Dr. Anna Rogers (Vanessa Angel) and her cup forming science suit.  I don't know what the breast cups are actually protecting her from, but we are glad she has them.  It's not long before they land that Dr. Rogers and one of her colleagues wanders off, leading Mace's right hand woman Capt. Jack Moore (Musetta Vander) to lament that they've lost two scientists.  Now I was thinking that they were going to look for them, but no, they just stood there awaiting for the eventual screams when one gets eaten by a dinosaur. 
Back to the FCU
Let Chris know how Wrong He Is
Don't Be Square...
Like Totally Twisted Flix!

What?  Dinosaurs?  On an alien planet?  What's up with that?  Stranger still is that this planet looks like a throwback to medieval times for some reason and is completely abandoned, except for the occasional raptor.  Also strange is the that leader of this mission, Commander Evil, gave our soldiers old school Earth weapons like shotguns and crap M-15's instead of their dope futuristic space lasers.  I don't remember why Commander Evil did this. 

The mission continues, but our scientists and soldiers are being picked off one by one.  Mainly because they are stupid.  I mean the Raptors are like sneaking up on them, hiding behind hay carts and stuff, even though they are like twenty feet taller than the hay cart they are hiding behind.  Hey Raptor!  I see you!  You're right there!

As it turns out, there's more to this mission than meets the eye, we know this because Dr. Tygon (Ted Raimi) is looking real suspicious and he has a real suspicious name.  We knew he was up to no good when he saved the life of Pappy (Peter Jason) by using an experimental method.  Because Pappy was gonna die if he didn't.  Hey, I thought he did the right thing, but everybody wanted to kick his ass so I guess he's evil too. 

But what is the deal with Planet Raptor?  Fortunately the lone survivor of this planet, Exposition Alien, shows up with critical info, while speaking Alien Gibberish… which Dr. Rogers also speaks by chance!  The thing is, despite the translation, I have no idea what they were talking about.  Truth is I'm actually more confused now.  This is probably more on me as I have kind of stopped paying attention by now, but at least it's all laid out.

We also know why Commander Evil sent a team down to the planet.  One, he hates Mace and two, we need to weaponize the Raptor.  That's dumb but we will roll with it.  Not that any of that matters because the remaining soldiers and scientists are out of ammo, out time, and out of luck… unless a miracle happens.  Which, had we saw this movie back in 2007, we would hope wouldn't happen as we would not want to see 'Raptor Island 3'.

The good thing about 'Planet Raptor' is that the 'franchise' as it were, died right here.  'Planet Raptor' is all kinds of awful, with CGI raptors that look almost as bad as the ones in the first movie, a plot that was completely nonsensical, a bunch of Bulgarian side actors struggling with the English language, despite the U.S. flag on their Space marine suits, and a languid pace, at least in the beginning that is really, really slow.

But it is better, almost wholesale, than 'Raptor Island'.  Stephen Bauer is a better actor than Lorenzo Lamas, Vanessa Angel was hotter than whoever the female lead was in 'Raptor Island', Ted Raimi was a better snarky bad guy that Stephen Bauer was in the previous film and this film did at least have a rubber Raptor head and a rubber Raptor foot on loan that they got to use on occasion instead of the horrible CGI.  Other things that were an improvement were the raptors weren't as stupid this time around and as the movie neared its conclusion, its pace picked up considerably and it almost became watchable. 

Ah, but it is still awful.  I never did quite get the whole medieval setting thing, other than it was a set that was available and cheap and they had to use it somehow.  The special effects were still awful, the raptors still looked like ass, and the majority of the acting was still suspect.  But at least it wasn't 'Raptor Island'.  This one is still probably amongst the top ten of the worst Sci-Fi Channel originals, but at least it wasn't 'Raptor Island'.
Don't Be Square... Like Totally Twisted Flix!
Real Time Web