What? Dinosaurs? On an alien
planet? What's up with that? Stranger still is
that this planet looks like a throwback to medieval times for
some reason and is completely abandoned, except for the
occasional raptor. Also strange is the that leader of
this mission, Commander Evil, gave our soldiers old school
Earth weapons like shotguns and crap M-15's instead of their
dope futuristic space lasers. I don't remember why
Commander Evil did this.
The mission continues, but our scientists and soldiers are
being picked off one by one. Mainly because they are
stupid. I mean the Raptors are like sneaking up on them,
hiding behind hay carts and stuff, even though they are like
twenty feet taller than the hay cart they are hiding
behind. Hey Raptor! I see you! You're right
As it turns out, there's more to this mission than meets the
eye, we know this because Dr. Tygon (Ted Raimi) is looking
real suspicious and he has a real suspicious name. We
knew he was up to no good when he saved the life of Pappy
(Peter Jason) by using an experimental method. Because
Pappy was gonna die if he didn't. Hey, I thought he did
the right thing, but everybody wanted to kick his ass so I
guess he's evil too.
But what is the deal with Planet Raptor? Fortunately the
lone survivor of this planet, Exposition Alien, shows up with
critical info, while speaking Alien Gibberish… which Dr.
Rogers also speaks by chance! The thing is, despite the
translation, I have no idea what they were talking
about. Truth is I'm actually more confused now.
This is probably more on me as I have kind of stopped paying
attention by now, but at least it's all laid out.
We also know why Commander Evil sent a team down to the
planet. One, he hates Mace and two, we need to weaponize
the Raptor. That's dumb but we will roll with it.
Not that any of that matters because the remaining soldiers
and scientists are out of ammo, out time, and out of luck…
unless a miracle happens. Which, had we saw this movie
back in 2007, we would hope wouldn't happen as we would not
want to see 'Raptor Island 3'.
The good thing about 'Planet Raptor' is that the 'franchise'
as it were, died right here. 'Planet Raptor' is all
kinds of awful, with CGI raptors that look almost as bad as
the ones in the first movie, a plot that was completely
nonsensical, a bunch of Bulgarian side actors struggling with
the English language, despite the U.S. flag on their Space
marine suits, and a languid pace, at least in the beginning
that is really, really slow.
But it is better, almost wholesale, than 'Raptor
Island'. Stephen Bauer is a better actor than Lorenzo
Lamas, Vanessa Angel was hotter than whoever the female lead
was in 'Raptor Island', Ted Raimi was a better snarky bad guy
that Stephen Bauer was in the previous film and this film did
at least have a rubber Raptor head and a rubber Raptor foot on
loan that they got to use on occasion instead of the horrible
CGI. Other things that were an improvement were the
raptors weren't as stupid this time around and as the movie
neared its conclusion, its pace picked up considerably and it
almost became watchable.
Ah, but it is still awful. I never did quite get the
whole medieval setting thing, other than it was a set that was
available and cheap and they had to use it somehow. The
special effects were still awful, the raptors still looked
like ass, and the majority of the acting was still
suspect. But at least it wasn't 'Raptor Island'.
This one is still probably amongst the top ten of the worst
Sci-Fi Channel originals, but at least it wasn't 'Raptor