Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Woman in bikini.  Giant snaky looking thing with sharp teeth.  Big chomp ending in red CGI mist.  Repeat a bunch of times.  Then kill it.  Roll credits.  Turn TV off.  Go to sleep.  Wake up.  Try like hell to remember what movie you watched the night before.  That my friends is the ‘Pirahnaconda’ experience as brought to us by the unholy cinematic excellence firm of Corman, Wynorski, and Madsen who have left me in the unenviable position of filling up four or five more paragraphs of worthless prattle, even though I’ve already described in complete detail the ‘Piranhaconda’ experience. 

Michael Madsen is herpetologist Professor Lovegrove.  Recognize there is nothing herpetology-like about Michael Madsen in this movie.  Dr. Lovegrove is in Hawaii searching for his personal Moby Dick and he finds some eggs which just so happen to belong to the evolutionary advanced Legend of the Mucky Sea.  Or the Piranhaconda.  The Piranhaconda doesn’t like it when people touch its eggs, it eats the camera woman who has large breasts, the armed security dude, and a helicopter but it allows Dr. Lovegrove, carrying a monster egg, to go free.

A few clicks away a film crew is filming a horror movie.  Kimmy (Shandi Finnessey) is running through the woods in her bikini.  Actress Shandi Finnessey, in addition to being six feet tall, and looking fab in a binkini, looks to be really athletic judging by the way she was sprinting through those woods.  I’m thinking somebody must’ve been a front line spiker on their high school volleyball team.  Regardless, the movie sucks… the fake horror movie, not necessarily this one… the director is pissed and calls it a wrap for the day.  This leads us to our principles, despite Madsen and Rachel Hunter being at the top of the marquee, in Jack the hunky stuntman (Rib Hillis) and Rose top heavy the script girl (Terry Ivens) who will be playing a game of love ping pong throughout this movie.  Yay.  Just so you know at the listed age of forty-five, Ms. Ivens still looks like brand new money.  In a quick cutaway one of the assistants on the set, who is also top heavy, wanders off and is eaten by the monster.

Back to Dr. Lovegrove, he’s been wandering around for a while but is found by some mercenaries, one of who is Ms. Hunter, who is top heavy, with these mercenaries coming to the conclusion that they should hold the Doc hostage for money.  Sure… whatever.  Why are there mercenaries on the island of Hawaii just hanging out waiting for random people to walk by so they can kidnap them?  There is a reason, but we’re not going to talk about it because it’s dumb. 

Cutting away, some random chick in a bikini gets off a boat, wanders into the Piranhaconda lake for no reason, looks scared as hell… again for no reason… and gets eaten by the monster.  Cutting away, three chicks in bikinis, two of them top heavy, are looking for the magic orchid.  They get eaten by the monster.  Cutting away, an actress is practicing her scream in her bikini, she sees the monsters and gets eaten by them.  That’s right, I said ‘monsters’. 

So that’s going to about wrap it up for nearly naked chicks getting eaten by the monsters.  There is one more bikini chick wandering around, as played by actress Diana Terranova whose boobs are the biggest in the movie, but being a Wynorski fave she gets to hang around for a while.  Eventually the mercenaries kidnap the film crew for reasons we refuse to get into, only to be interrupted by the monster who eats everybody.  At least until hero-boy and final-girl do some mundane, run-of-the mill stuff to end this nonsense.  One last shot of Terry Iven’s bikini covered chest… roll credits.

There are worse movie than ‘Piranhaconda’, it’s just that this movie gives us so little.  Large breasted women in bikini’s are cool and all, but after a while it does get boring.  A pair of giant man-eating snakes that managed to hide on Hawaii for years, until today, starving before today I imagine, growling like tigers was something to see for a minute, and they did look decent, but since it had only one kill trick in its book, it too got boring.  People disappearing in a misty red cloud was interesting the first time… check that… this was never interesting, so by the fifteenth time it happened we have no quantifiable number on how uninteresting that got.  Watching Michael Madsen e-mail in another performance is always fun to watch and a movie that has a plot that was so benign that I have now officially forgotten what it was about has all added up to next to nothing. 

But, and this is the positive part, ‘nothing’ is better than ‘horrible’.  True enough, horrible does tend to leave more lasting memories but I guess we will take what we can get.

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