Piranha 3DD

Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

That first 3D piranha movie, ‘Piranha 3D’, was… um…. Something else. It was a movie made without any kind of restrictions, decorum or class, and despite our best efforts to resist director Alexandre Aja’s ode to the exploitation B-Movie , it was completely, irresistibly, entertaining. I think that movie might’ve been slightly profitable, which means a sequel was all but guaranteed, but it wasn’t profitable enough to get us a big sequel. No sir, for ‘Piranha 3DD’ things have been scaled back quite a bit, locations shrunken, stars reduced, and fishy gore minimized but apparently boobs are cheap. I like boobs as much as the next guy, but unfortunately more boobs don’t make for a better movie. At least if you’re over twelve. I can see the twelve year old boy demographic proudly proclaiming ‘Piranha 3DD’ as their ‘Citizen Kane’.

Our film starts showing a TV report on the devastation left by the Piranha menace back on Lake Victoria a year ago with the faceless reporter musing ‘could it happen again… and if so… when’. Why yes it can Faceless Reporter… and very soon. So Chet, as played by David Koerchner who always cracks me up, is opening the first ever adult themed water park, with Double D’s getting in free. He’s even installed a ‘Cooch Cam’. Awesome. His step daughter Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), a graduate Marine Biology student, is none too happy with what he’s done with her late mom’s water park, but what can you do?

The park is going to open in a couple of days, big fake boobs are everywhere and life is good. Maddy is just back in town for the summer and hooks up her with her good friends slutty Ashley (Meagan Tandy), who has big boobs that she will keep concealed in this movie, and virginal Shelby (Katrina Bowden) who has small boobs which she will keep concealed in this movie, with both of these young ladies preparing to talk dirty and have some sex. We know Ashley is in jeopardy because she’s Black. Guess what? Ashley is in all kinds of jeopardy so say goodbye to her and her glorious rack she kept all to herself. Shelby on the other hand has other issues on her quest to lose her virginity, basically this issue being that a baby piranha has unknowingly swam up her v-jay. Yes, we realize that a fresh water fish probably shouldn’t be able to survive for long in a salty human body, but this is what we will be dealing with in this movie.

Eventually Maddy the Marine Biologist figures out that there’s piranha in them there waters, makes a quick trip to visit Christopher Lloyd’s character from the last movie, still channeling the ghost of Doc Brown, but providing some rudimentary exposition about what’s about to happen. Maddy tries to stop Chet from opening the park, but we know that those in charge never stop Summer Fun Events in Killer Fish Movies. Not gonna happen. Besides, there no way the fish can get in the water park anyway. Oh Snap! The Piranha are there and they’re eating stuff and the boobs flying and The Hoff is on board observing. David Freaking Hasselhoff playing himself. It’s up to Maddy and her small friend who’s loved her since the second grade, Barry (Matt Bush), to save the day and rescue the kids. And the strippers with the big fake boobs. Save the Boobs!

On one hand you have to admire John Gulager’s ‘Piranha 3DD’ because at no point in its EXTREMELY BRIEF running time does it ever try to be anything other than what it is. It’s silly and banal and infantile with all of this being an excuse to show a few breast over there, a touch of full frontal over here, all wrapped in a little bit of gore and comedy with the ultimate hope that you will laugh enough at the ridiculousness of it all, which will hopefully justify for the intended end user how silly, banal and infantile the entire exercise is. How did all of that affect this particular end user? Well I do have a reputation for being pretty infantile, but I think ‘Piranha 3DD’ might’ve been too infantile and too basic for even me.

First there’s the misfortune of comparing it to ‘Piranha 3D’, which probably isn’t all that fair considering that movie is bigger and had a larger budget and whatnot, but this movie is a sequel to that movie and it’s not nearly as ‘in your face’ or as bombastic as that movie. It did have a lot of the same gags, I mean who could ever get tired of the old ‘severed dick’ gag? But this is one of those instances where less wasn’t more. The movie runs about seventy minutes, with the last ten minutes being outtakes and Hasselhoff gags, which wasn’t all that bad to be honest with you, but it also gives us a movie which had very little plot… almost no plot really… just killer fish ruining a Summer Fun Event which we all know is Killer Fish Movie 101 and I guess that simple scenario doesn’t require too much plotting out, but with the added addition of lots of boobs.

But we’re not here to crap on this movie because it is better than your average SyFy Channel Original, for whatever that’s worth, Gary Busey makes an appearance and when was the last time you saw a movie with The Hoff and Busey in it? Ah… If only they were in the same scene together, and Ving Rhames reappears going all ‘Planet Terror’ on some killer fish for us. And for what it was I think it was successful. True enough, I probably didn’t like it all that much for what it was… but that’s more of a personal thing. You might feel a little different.