Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

This one probably doesn’t truly belong in the Garbage Corner, but I’m putting it there anyway for reasons of principle that I will explain in a second.  Sure, this is a poorly done wacky ass horror movie, and it’s almost entertainingly bad, but…

For some reason I get a lot of free magazines.  I don’t know whose mailing list I got on, but I get a good twenty to thirty periodicals monthly.  Maxim, Stuff, Cigar Aficionado, Sound Design, Club Systems… the list goes on and on.  A few years back Playboy magazine started showing up at my doorstep.  Obviously, Playboy doesn’t have the kick that had back in the day, and is downright tame compared to some of the stuff that you can get behind the 7-11 counters nowadays, but it still has airbrushed naked women inside.

For two years I got Playboy for free, and as suddenly as it started, it stopped.  A small loss to be sure, but two things stand out from those 24 issues.  Kristy Swanson, the original Buffy, nude, and a tasty little morsel of mocha named Daphne Duplaix.  When God came up with the concept of woman, I’m thinking these two were pretty close to what he shooting for.

I mention this because apparently Ms. Duplaix has been doing some acting, a fact I was not aware of until Piņata: Survival Island slid across my desktop.  Though Daphne is close to ten years removed from her playmate days, she still leaves smoke in her wake when she leaves a room.  Jamie Pressley, another unbelievably hot woman AND former playmate was also in this flick as the female lead.  So, even if this is the worst movie ever, it should have some watchable redeeming value in it somewhere along the ninety minute running time, right?

About Piņata Island.  Hundreds of years ago, some Mayan or something tribe was cursed and a mystical piņata maker corralled the evil, stuck it in piņata and floated it down a river.  He hoped the evil would be trapped forever, but he stuck it in piņata.  A piņata!  What’s the FIRST thing you’re gonna to a piņata if see it?  Exactly.  Fast forward a bunch of years and we’re greeted with some frat party college kids doing something that has something to do with a competition panty scavenger hunt that results in cash for charity on a fairly deserted tropical island.  Hell, I don’t know.  So we have five couples including the two camp counselors.  The counselors hand cuff the college kids together, boy girl, and send them on the panty hunting scavenger hunt.  One of the couples stumbles upon our evil looking piņata and, of course, crack it open.  The piņata comes to life in mixture of bad puppetry and horrific CGI and proceeds to hunt down and kill everybody. 

So here we are, and aside from our two playmates, the other women in this thing are hot as hell too.  So we have hot horny women, reefer, liquor, handcuffs, panties and a crazed piņata.  Oh, and a Black guy.  But we know what’s going to happen to him so we won’t bring him up anymore.  Yo, Hillebrand brothers, the films writers and directors, I’m talking to you now.   You’re making a horror movie, and a bad one at that.  You have two playboy playmates on your roster.  For the love of God men, WHERE IS THE NUDITY!?!?  This is completely inexcusable.  From the time when nudity in movies became legal in this country, and I could not tell you when that was, the horror genre with a college student cast has been the gateway to squeezing boobies into any flick.  And you guys spit in the face of all of this rich glorious history.  For shame!  For two of your cast members, men, this is WHAT THEY DO!  I’m besides myself.

There are worst movies than Pinata Island, and the thought of a crazed demonic piņata is quite original too, though execution was more than a bit flawed.  But in the Garbage Corner you go!  I just hope that you, Hillebrand brothers, have learned your lesson.  If you get another filmmaking chance, you make sure you do right the next time!

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