Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I’m in a quandary with this film ‘Perfect Hideout’ people. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that this film was anything other than simply awful, but there were times during this ‘thriller’ when it simply had me in TEARS. I’m not joking about this either, but there were scenes in this movie that were so stupid and hilarious that I began to seriously wonder does this film actually suck or are they doing this on purpose. Here goes the synopsis for this flick: ‘A young couple on the run take a family father as a hostage and are shocked to realize that he actually is a serial killer who just murdered the family. With the police on the outside and the killer on the inside they now have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide...’ Now that sounded incredibly interesting to me so to the top of the cue it went… and then I saw it…

Nick (Christian Solimeno) and Celia (Melinda Cohen) are a couple young lovers who have seen their share of hard times, largely due to Nick’s criminal behavior, but things are looking on the upswing because later in the day they are jumping on a jet plane and leaving Germany, where this film takes place, and heading for a new life in the United States of America. Unfortunately Nick’s suspect past catches up to him which leads to an accidental shooting and the couple being on the run, forced to take refuge in the nice country estate of some dude named Victor (Billy Zane). It’s a bad situation all around because the Swat Team, led by top cop Kramer (Cornell Adams), has them all surrounded, so Nick and a reluctant Celia tie Victor to a chair and attempt to think of a way out of this mess. Now something that the cop told Nick over the phone has him concerned in that’s that there is ‘supposed’ to be three more family members in the house but Nick and Celia only see Victor. Turns out there is at least a second person in the crib, the teenaged Nadine (Scarlett Sabet) who is hiding out… but from whom?

Well as the synopsis has informed us already that Victor is a serial killer and has slaughtered this whole family, sat them at the dinner table and wired grins to their faces. He would have been gone already but couldn’t track down where Nadine was

hiding, which has Nick and Celia scratching their eyes out over what the hell to do next. Things on the outside become more complicated as we learn that the person Nick accidentally shot was a cop who happens to be the son of Police Director Roth (Ken Bones) and Roth wants nothing less than to see both Nick and Celia die. Horribly. Eventually the serial killing, joke cracking Victor has freed himself from his chair and now Nick, Celia and Nadine must avoid the serial killer, the swat team, and the cop with murder on his mind. Let the games begin!

About a half hour into ‘Perfect Hideout’ I’m thinking ‘Wow, this movie is kinda lame’, then it kicks its slapstick into high gear. SPOILERS WILL FOLLOW!!!! One of the first thing I thought was hilarious was when Nick found the dead family bound and wired at the dinner table. Now I’m no CSI expert but I’m thinking this might be a crime scene and it may be best to LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE! As opposed to removing each of the bodies that our serial killer has slaughtered, wrap them up nice and neat in blankets and place them in the basement out of ‘respect’. Reason being it may be easier to explain the macabre death scene at the dining room table than the casual murder situation in the basement. So Celia and Nadine make it out of the house AWAY from the serial killer, but once outside they see a Swat team dude and run into the woods. Now little Nadine hasn’t done a damn thing but survive a slaughter so she should probably be happy to see a Swat dude but regardless, now they have a dilemma. Should they go toward the Swat dudes who want to save lives or do they go back in the house where there is serial killer waiting for them who wants to end lives? Do you even have to ask? Victor has pretty much shown us all that he’s a murderous psychopath and that he plans to kill everyone, except maybe Celia who has a world class set of breast on her, but time and time again our heroes pass up opportunities to end his life always allowing him to walk up to them, take their guns and get pistol whipped. Hilarious. This particular sickness also affects the cops though because in the films funniest scene, Top Cop Kramer has Victor cornered, automatic weapon trained on his dome and tells him repeatedly ‘I should kill you man… but I’m gonna let you get what you got comin’!’ Victor is steadily agreeing with Kramer while slowly moving his hands towards a knife, which Kramer plainly sees and warns Victor repeatedly ‘Stop movin’ man or I’m gonna kill you… Stop Moving…!’ only to learn that Victor is part Ninja as he catches a knife, slung from fifteen feet away, in his esophageal cavity. Awesome. I also dug the scene where the cameraman's reflection could be seen in the glass picture. Cameramen have been neglected for far too long and deserve some face time. Wicked.

I’m afraid that there is nothing I can say that can do this movie any justice as it has to be experienced to be believed. Billy Zane probably has never been considered a ‘great’ actor but he does have a definite screen persona, Christian Solimeno is decent as the scummy frightened somewhat duplicitous thug, Melinda Cohen wears a tight tank top as well as any woman, with the possible exception of Billy Zane’s wife Kelly Brook, and please somebody recognize the talent that is Cornell Adams and make him a big star… Please? ‘Perfect Hideout’ may be one of the worst movies EVER made, but it’s also one of the funniest. How can you go wrong with that?

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