Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
Right now in the Finley house we have some Paranormal stuff going, but it's not 'activity', no sir.  This Paranormal stuff is an 'Entity' is what it is.  We know when you throw a high hanging fastball to Barry Bonds that he's going to swing at it and probably hit a home run.  Thus The Asylum mockbusting Paranormal Activity would be their version of a high hanging fastball since that movie was dirt cheap already, The Asylum has dirt cheap movies all up in their catalogue, and we're pretty sure their version, 'Paranormal Entity', will be even dirtier and cheaper.   They're going to swing at this fast ball, this we know, but will they hit a home run?  It's never happened before, but hope springs eternal.

Sometime ago Mr. Finley died in a car accident and Mrs. Finley (Fia Perrera) was sad.  So she would write letters to her dead husband, and then she would speak to him as if he were alive because it helped ease her pain.  Damn if Mr. Finley, or some facsimile thereof, doesn't start speaking back.  Now we know that dead people shouldn't be communicating with the living, and we have to question if this really is Mr. Finley, because if it is then he hated his wife and had really nasty thoughts about his adult daughter Samantha (Erin Marie Hogan).  Now a man who has nasty thoughts about his daughter is a really bad man, no doubt, but Samantha does lounge around the house, half dressed, like a sexy minx, ALL THE TIME!  So… you know… we don't condone this ghosts awful thoughts, but we do kind of understand it.

Well, one thing we've learned by watching recent movies is that if a ghost is in your house causing a ruckus then it's time for somebody to obnoxiously videotape everything.   In this movie that somebody is first son Thomas (Shane Van Dyke) who
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has cameras all around the house, including in his mom's and his sister's bedroom, not to mention the hand held that he obnoxiously carries everywhere and he's going to get to the bottom of this.  Mostly by getting various shots of his sexy sister.  Come on Samantha, I know you're at home and all, but cover up a little.

So the cameras are set up, night vision is strong and Thomas has his sister's and his mom's rooms under surveillance.  Weird, we know, but Thomas has to get to the bottom of this nonsense.  Eventually the strangeness kicks in.  The ghost hates Samantha's cross, it likes to make mom scribble stuff, it likes to look at Samantha in her underwear.  It like likes grope Samantha.  It likes to control Samantha and make her walk around in her underwear.  It likes to scare Samantha while she's taking a bath.  We even saw where this thing was walking on the ceiling.  Outside of the Lionel Richie reference, what do you think that ghost was doing on the ceiling?  I'm guessing it was looking down Samantha's shirt because there is a definite theme going on here.

Ghostly apparition established… now what?  Since this movie started out by letting us know that everybody is pretty much dead, not much is left except to watch Timothy yell out 'Jesus Christ!' over and over again, listen to Samantha shriek every five minutes and wait for the next shot of Samantha lounging around next to nothing.  Outstanding.

Here's what this mockbuster, 'Paranormal Entity' has over the majority of mockbusters that The Asylum has been putting out over the years, and this would be that the source material is already pretty lame to begin with.  No, 'Paranormal Entity' isn't as good as 'Paranormal Activity' as it wasn't nearly as inventive and moved five times slower,  but at least it's not as far removed from its material as say 'Almighty Thor'… arguably the worst Asylum movie ever… was removed from Marvel's actual 'Thor' blockbuster.  Shane Van Dyke directs in addition to being one of the four main characters, I know we only talked about three but the paranormal investigator that showed up near the end was completely worthless.  Clearly he paid attention to the first 'Paranormal Activity' and while this movie didn't have a lot of scares for me personally, I could see where somebody might have jumped a time or two at some of the sight gags my man was able to pull off.  Shane also fixed a blatant oversight in the first movie, this being that the extremely healthy Katie Featherstone never got all nekkid and stuff.  It was an outrage.  Not that we approve this type of exploitation here at the FCU.  But while actress Erin Marie Hogan showed us some skin and was fun to look at, she was playing the sister of the dude that was holding the camera which did move things into some pervy territory. 

The acting was a little erratic, from Fia Perrara's semi comatose mother to Mr. Van Dyke's and Ms. Morgan's wildly hysterical, often hilarious crazy trip out sessions.  Naturally most of the movie makes little sense, especially our characters main reactions to the horror they were experiencing.  I know if I get groped by a ghost while trying sleep, which would be even more disturbing since I'm a dude, I wouldn't be going back to sleep.  Ever.  Samantha had no such issues.   Missouri senator Todd Akin just texted to let me know it wasn't a legitimate grope, that why she had no real issues with it.  And why where they so desperate to get this one wayward paranormal investigator at the house?  I mean it's not like it's a real job and there had to be more than one of these quacks in town.  Guess what?  I've declared myself a paranormal investigator now.  Invite me to your house and I'll tell you that there's evil here and there's not a damn thing you can do about it and charge you fifty bucks.  How hard was that?
Even though it seems like it should be easy, it does take some skill to effectively pull off a found footage movie, which 'Paranormal Entity' was kind of able to do in a way, just as The Asylum's own 'Alien Origin' and the putrid 'The Amityville Haunting' weren't even close to pulling off.  A little boring, a little slow, slightly sleazy, but not the worst found footage movie we've seen.
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