Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

I gotta admit that Uncle Joe was choking me out with this one.  ‘Orgasmo Nero’ or ‘Sex and Black Magic’ or ‘Black Orgasm’… whatever the hell that means… is one of the more boring, slow moving, pointless exploitation movies I’ve ever seen.  But if you’re looking for exploitative elements and only exploitative elements, it does have that.

What little story there is starts on some Caribbean island where Paul (Richard Harrison), some kind of writer, is observing some poor guy who got eaten by a shark being prepped for the next world.  This involves a wacky tribal dance and this cat’s wife and his hot daughter Haini (Lucia Ramirez) eating his intestines.  He needs to go to the next world through them or something.

Next we meet Paul’s slutty wife Helen (Susan Scott), who is flying to this island to meet up with Paul.  First Helen needs take a shower at the home of Paul’s best friend Harry and tease the hell out of him.  What’s up with that Helen?  Anyway, eventually Helen makes it to the island, lies comatose while Paul humps on her for a while and eventually Helen meets Haini.  She tells Helen how her dad got eaten by a shark then promptly asks her if she wants to go swimming in the ocean.  That’s was kind of funny, but apparently I was the only one laughing because next thing you know they went into the water to splash each other.  This is followed by Haini cutting a piece of wood and somehow turning this piece of wood into workable flute.  Those are some woodworking skills for your ass right there.  Then Haini starts freaking out in a native tribal freakout way which prompts Helen to take her back to the city. 

Now at this point a lot is going on, but none if it is particularly plot relevant.  People meet Haini, notice how pretty she is and occasionally one of Helen’s friends will sit by her and rub her vagina.  Helen gets jealous about that but Haini explains that it is important in her culture because the first sexual experience has to be with a woman, THEN with a man.  What that had to do with anything, I don’t know, but Helen bought it, and what the hell kind of culture is that anyway?  Then Helen decides to whore it up a bit herself, picking up some random dude at bar, then finally giving it up to Paul’s best friend, sexing up Haini on the beach, or anywhere Haini happened to be. 

Paul eventually makes it back home and is happy to see that Helen and Haini are hitting it off so well, figuring Helen to be a mother figure to Haini.  Yeah Paul… I don’t think so.  Eventually Paul discovers the truth and he’s not so happy anymore.  He talks to his best friend who informs Paul that his wife is a Freaking Whore who Screws Black Guys.  We didn’t see this.  The Black Guy part.  We saw the whore part though.  This upsets Paul even more who knows what must be done… that being a threesome with Haini.  Makes sense to me.  And it worked because now his wife wants him back and they want to send Haini back to the island.  That will not be a good move. 

We kind of had to watch this since we'd seen all of the other movies in Uncle Joe’s Caribbean Series of films, those being ‘Caribbean Papaya’, ‘Porno Holocaust’, and ‘Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals’.  I guess you could put ‘Erotic Nights of the Living Dead’ on that list as well.  While none of these movies probably qualify as being good, most being completely gawdawful, but they all had their own unique charms to them.  This one has its charms as well, but the charms are just so few and far between.  Admittedly most of the charm of those other movies usually involved Laura Gemser or Dirce Funari running around naked, but those are undeniable charms.  Nothing but mad love for Susan Scott and Lucia Ramirez, but neither of them are Laura or Dirce, though these ladies are willing to push Joe D’Amato’s envelope much further than Laura or Dirce were willing to, and that’s saying something. 

So for an exploitation movie, one which features our lead actresses spending the vast majority of the movie playing with themselves or with each other or engaged in simulated humping… except for one very brief and unnecessary hardcore insert… this you will get.  Those who have followed the career of the late Joe D’Amato knows that this is something he can do as well as anyone, plus the cinematography on the DVD print that I saw this movie on was pristine.  If that’s a good thing.  Unfortunately, for me at least, a softcore version of ‘Milf’s loves Teens’ couldn’t override that there wasn’t a lot going on in this movie outside of the smut.  There’s very little story, Lucia Ramirez is cute and all but her acting ability makes Laura Gemser looks like Meryl Streep, Richard Harrison followed Lucia’s lead and was sleepwalking through most of the movie with only Susan Scott and her bad boob job stepping up to the plate to deliver something resembling a performance. 

We can never be too hard on these movies because they are what they are.  If you watch these movies like we watch these movies, you’ve probably come to the tragic conclusion that you only do it because you’re addicted to bad Italian exploitation movies.  Or bad movies period.  We can’t help ourselves.  ‘Orgasmo Nero’ is a bad movie.  A decent exploitation movie, but a bad, bad regular movie.  Not that Uncle Joe would care one bit what we thought.

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