Editors note:  Christopher has been showing extreme maturity by not cursing in his reviews and we’re very proud of him for that.  Sadly he couldn’t control himself in this one and the editorial staff at Film Critics United apologizes profusely and highly recommends that you click the ‘BACK’ button on your browser.  Thank you.

What the fuck did I ever do to Jamie Kennedy? Nothing.  Absolutely nothing that at least deserved this kind of abuse.  I’ve even show the man some love on occasion.  While the rest of the critical world was shitting on ‘Malibu’s Most Wanted’ I found some entertainment value in that movie.  Out of respect for Mr. Kennedy I totally skipped ‘Son of Mask’ and I did occasionally watch his little TV show and did manage to laugh on occasion, so I think I deserve better treatment than this don’t you think?  But no, Jamie Kennedy obviously doesn’t give a fuck about my ass and trapped me into this movie, ‘Kickin’ it old Skool’, with the lure of 80’s nostalgia and classic tunes only to metaphorically kick me in the mutha fuckin’ nuts repeatedly, over and over again.  We don’t have a rating system her at the FCU, mainly because we’re not real film critics and trying to dream up some wacky number for some movie just draws out this whole critical process thing, but I think we may have to enact one simply because of ‘Kickin’ it Old Skool’.  We rate ‘Kickin it Old Skool’ Absolute Zero.

Man, it started out swell.  Young Justin Schumacher is a funky fresh 12 year old readying his boys, the funky fresh crew, for a school talent show.  Anybody who spent any adolescent time in the 1980’s will appreciate the gear and the music, no doubt.  It was particularly funny to me because a man who is a dear friend of mine to this day, who will remain nameless – Lee Trotman – Showed up at the youth center

one day wearing a Beat It jacket AND parachute pants.  Thus Lee had an outfit with 80 zippers on it, but had to sport a fanny sack because he had no gatdamn place to put his wallet.  Anyway, Justin is in stiff comp with a rival crew and decides to pull off  his stupid dope ‘move’ which ultimately lands him in a coma for twenty years.  Here’s what I know already five minutes in.  A grown Justin (Kennedy), once he comes out his coma will have to bust this ‘move’ to win some contest at the end of this movie.  Actually, I know the entire movie without watching another single frame, BUT if it’s funny I can forgive formula.  So you probably know the story too I’m thinking.  The crew gets back together, there is dance contest to win a bunch o’ loot, there’s a pretty girl, there’s a bad guy, there’s a funny black guy plus a funny Asian dude and Mexican cat for good measure.  Yes, the story is tired, weak, lame and lazy but as long as it’s funny…

Well fuck me.  Not only wasn’t this bullshit funny, bit it was also unforgivably looooonnnngg.  This is why I know it was personal.  I know it’s quite presumptuous to think that Jamie Kennedy cares enough about me to abuse me, but I can’t ignore the facts.  So they’re making this movie in Hollywood or Vancouver or wherever the fuck they make these things and it’s obvious to all involved that it sucks ass and they’re just waiting for this dreariness to end so they can cash their checks, but Kennedy goes to his director Harvey Glazer and tells him “I know we want to cut it short, but there’s this dude in Detroit who watches shit like this and it’s gonna piss him the fuck off if we tack another unnecessary thirty five minutes of total worthless bullshit in this thing.”  I’m sure Harvey asked why he hates me so, but Jamie doesn’t know why, it’s just something about me.  He also knows that I won’t stop the movie and I won’t fast forward through the movie.  My DVD remote was looking at me, mocking me, imploring me to fast forward.  I told it (yes, this film reduced me to talking to my remote) bitch, I can’t give a movie a legitimate review if I fast forward through the mutha fucka now can I?  Then I pick it up and throw it out of the room.  But it kept reappearing in my hand.

Okay, this shit wasn’t 100% crappy.  I think it made me laugh twice, lead actress Maria Menounos is hot to distraction, Vivica Fox makes a cameo, and though she’s ancient, she’s still hot as hell to – man I remember the first I saw Vivica Fox… but that’s another story. The kid that played young Justin was pretty good, but Jamie Kennedy totally fucked up that poor kid’s performance by somehow interpreting the younger boys personality as retarded.  And bad as it was, it’s still wasn’t as bad as ‘Date Movie’ but that’s about it.

Think of ‘Kickin’ it Old Skool’ as ‘You Got Served’ if ‘You Got Served’ was really, really shitty.  Oh wait, ‘You Got Served’ WAS really, really shitty!  Jamie, I don’t what the fuck I did, but call off the dogs man, I apologize!