‘They’ said that this movie was terrible. I’m thinking what do ‘They’ know? I mean ‘They’ also said ‘Wild Hogs’ was terrible and I personally thought that ‘Wild Hogs’ was pretty darned funny. This movie ‘Old Dogs’ was made by the same folks that made ‘Wild Hogs’ but this time we get Robin Williams instead of Tim Allen, Bill Macy and Martin Lawrence. Robin Williams is funnier than all three of those guys. I’m not saying that he’s funnier than all three of those guys combined but head up I think he’s funnier. Man, wouldn’t you know that this time around ‘They’ were on the money.

Charlie (Travolta) and Dan (Williams) are a couple of ancient lifelong friends and business partners who run a marketing agency. We don’t know much but we do know that if you are gainfully employed in a movie script, chances are that you are in marketing. Charlie is the freewheeling fun guy while Dan is the nervous uptight member of our crew, with the pair being on the verge of landing a landmark deal with some Japanese sports firm or something that’s going to set them up for life.

This plan of theirs comes to screeching halt when Dan gets a visit from a woman named Vicki (Kelly Preston) whom the man spent a night of mad passion with seven years ago during his divorce celebration in Florida. The end result of this unprotected body fluid exchange was Vicki ended up birthing twins Zach (Conner Rayburn) and Emily (Ella Bleu Travolta) nine months later, though she was happily raising these kids on her own. However circumstance and the fact that she feels these children need their father have forced her to drop these kids off with their dad so he can watch them for a couple of weeks while she does time. It’s complicated.

What’s going to happen next? If you guessed mayhem and chaos will ensue, you would be correct. Observe closely as a couple of old dudes who don’t really know how to deal with kids get a crash course on the subtleties of parenting, screw everything up, and then make everything okay again. The theory is that hilarity will follow. This is not unlike the theory that rich people’s money will trickle down to us poor folks and everyone will be happy. As you can see, not all theories are sound.

If I hear farts or if someone get whacked in the nutsack I know a movie is in trouble. Man, you are really digging down in the comedy barrel if you’re grabbing at farts and guys get busted up in the testicles. The problem is that farting and testicle destruction just ain’t all that funny anymore and I’m thinking with Robin Williams and John Travolta, being a couple of old school funnymen, they should know this better than just about anybody. It pains me to say this, I mean the tears are literally hitting my keyboard affecting my ability to type, but it looks like Vinny Barbarino and Mork from Orc just don’t care anymore. Seriously, these two cats helped raise me. ‘Up Your nose with a Rubber Hose’? Nanoo, Nanoo? Come on man. This is the thanks I get for investing ninety minutes of my valuable time with two of my childhood heroes? I know J.T. and Robin are all sophisticated now with their Academy Award nominations and millions upon millions of dollars in the bank and airplanes parked in the back yard but they will always be Vinny and Mork to me and I love those guys. But tragically Vinny and Mork have made a movie, a movie that is oddly enough filled with funny people, that just wasn’t very funny.

This is not to say that ‘Old Dogs’ is completely devoid of humor, no sir, because I believe it make me laugh a couple of times, but then I’m real easy to make laugh. If a fart joke or a scene of testicle destruction is executed properly, as tired as they may be, I’ll even laugh at that. But a movie with Dax Shephard, Luis Guzman, Justin Long and Seth Green – who is still in the dog house because of the pain he put us through with ‘Kickin’ it Old Skool’ – has only a couple of laughs, maximum, then we have a problem. Oh… someone has just informed me that Seth Green and Jamie Kennedy are not the same person. Sorry Seth, you deserve better than that.

If there’s anything good to say about this movie I guess we could mention that it is family friendly, that is if your family isn’t offended by unfunny movies, as there is no profanity or anything like that though there is violence against testicles which probably isn’t all that family friendly when we think about it, and Mrs. Travolta somehow manages to stay sizzling hot even though she’s quickly approaching the age of fifty, but I think that’s going to exhaust the positives of this incredibly tired, predictable and painfully unfunny nonsense.

I hate it when ‘They’ are right because ‘They’ are usually a bunch of haters who exist just to keep us and solid entertainment apart from one another but this time ‘They’ were correct. It’ll probably a while before ‘They’ get it right again but we are forced to give it up to them this one time.