Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

"Lord, since I’m working my ass off for you, at least send me a cock to put in it". Now I’m not sure if that’s verbatim what Sister Lust (Shanette Wilson) said in her prayer to God, but I think you get the point. This would be one of the many lines of inspired dialog from the nunsploitation spoof ‘Nun of That’ and this is what you will be in for, and so much more, if you should choose to accept the mission of sitting down and actually viewing this movie.

The film starts in a gentleman’s club where some men of ill repute are enjoying the show when the next performer jumps on stage in the form of a fully habited out nun. She has gun. She kills pretty much everybody. She’s looking for mobster Richie Corbucci (Brandon Luis Aponte) to end his days. He finds her instead.

Turns out this young lady was a member of the Sisters of the Black Habit or something or another, who upon order from the Vatican are erasing scum on the planet earth, but alas the nuns sent out for these murder gigs just aren’t up for the task. Mother Superior (Debbie Rochon) has gotten word from up high however that perhaps their staffing issues just may be solved, because there is one in their flock who might be able to get this job done.

Say hello to Sister Kelly (Sarah Nicklin) who we first meet punching Sister Sappho in the face after the sister gave her a speech in the shower on how cool her boobs are. Sister Kelly was having Nun of That. Sister Kelly also has some severe anger management issues. The Sister is banished out of her convent to another more dilapidated convent to get her act together. On her journey, on foot no less, she meets some evil pimps who decide its rape party time on a nun. Not cool. She kills them. After this murderization she is greeted by three other nuns who in turn kill her. It would seem that this isn’t cool either, but it is actually super cool because it sends her to heaven to meet her Husband. You do know, of course, that all nuns wear a wedding ring because they are married to Jesus right?

Jesus (Michael Reed) will treat us to a song that sounds like some bad Depeche Mode with his little ditty ‘Sister, Sister – Temptation Resister’. A rousing number actually. He, and Gandhi, and Moses, will also train Sister Kelly on the ways of the gun, dispatch her down to earth as the newly christened Sister Wrath and unleash her upon the criminals of society.

It will be a tough battle for Sister Wrath and her colleagues which include the aforementioned Sister Lust, Sister Gluttony (Ruth Sullivan) and Sister Pride (Alexandra Cippola) to bring down these lords of this underworld, led by the brutal and incredibly unattractive Mama Rizzo (Rich Trethaway). You see Mama Rizzo has the nun hating, Nun murdering, Nun raping rabbi Viper Goldstein (David Levallee Jr.) on her payroll. And Satan for that matter. Satan and Jews united against Catholics. That can’t be a good thing.

I think plopping in the disc for ‘Nun of That’ and expecting it to be a ‘good’ movie would be folly, correct? Are any exploitation movies actually any good? No, not really. Nonetheless there is a large section of society, of which I am a part of, which would find a world without exploitation films a world not worth living in. With that being said I do have some issues with Director Richard Griffin’s film ‘Nun of That’ as a work of quality nunsploitation. You see while ‘Nun of That’ is plenty offensive, assaulting pretty much every known religion from every conceivable offensive angle, but as a connoisseur of nunsploitation it’s simply not nunsploitative enough for me. I need to see nuns getting exploited much more than they were exploited in this movie. I need more gratuitous nudity, I need more unnecessary shower scenes, I need Mother Superior to be less benevolent and more oppressive and force her nuns to take unnecessary showers, maybe hose them down every once in a while and force them to engage in unwanted lesbian activities. I need scurrilous priests spanking nuns on their bare bottoms for being naughty. This is what I need from my nunsploitation and I simply didn’t get enough of this. For instance, Jesus in heaven with his numerous ‘wives’ was a glorious opportunity to offend and exploit all in one fell swoop, but yet they let this opportunity slide on by.

Nonetheless, despite this critical exploitation shortcoming, there was still some fun to be had amidst the complete ridiculousness of the whole exercise. The performances were shaky but earnest, Shanette Wilson was adorable as Sister Lust, Rich Trethaway was absolutely hideous as Momma Rizzo and Michael Reed made for one lively Jesus Christ. Note that there is a scene where Jesus gets chastised above from God. I believe they’re one and the same. Anyway, while ‘Nun of That’ had its merits, even squeezing in a dwarf bitchslapping somebody, a general rule of thumb when making an exploitation movie that I personally would follow, that is if I was allowed to make a movie, is exploit until you cannot exploit anymore. If you think you have too much exploitation, then you might be off to a good exploitation start.