Well… that was an experience. Of course we’re talking about director David M. Mathews Reverse Basic Instinct thriller ‘N-Secure’… which easily could’ve been called ‘Insecure’… but if we spelled it like that then obviously Black folks wouldn’t realize that this was a movie aimed at us. Good looking out!
David Allen Washington, as gloriously over-played by actor Cordell Moore, is a big time successful Memphis business man. I know he’s a successful business man because we see him at work looking at pie charts and that’s something only successful people do. Ask yourself, when was the last time you looked at a pie chart? For me… never. And so here I am all unsuccessful and stuff. David does have some issues however. He is an obsessive compulsive like few ever have been. Ask the world’s hottest office assistant Denise (Toni Trucks) about coming in at 8:04 when her day is supposed to start at 8:00. David is in madly in love in with Robin (Essence Atkins) and has given her an engagement ring that’s almost as big as she is, though she constantly disrespects David by incorrectly calculating the amount time it takes to get from the club with her friends, back to the homestead, and coming home three minutes late. Or the fact that David’s white glove examination of this home often reveals flecks of dust. What’s her problem?
Nonetheless, despite David’s issues, he is well paid and Robin is going to marry him, even though she doesn’t love him. Then, for reasons I can’t begin to imagine beyond the fact that it piles on the melodrama, the night before the wedding Robin seduces the boyfriend of her best friend Jill (Tempest Bledsoe) while Shirley Murdock’s ‘As We Lay’ plays in the background. I’m trying to pretend I’m not really hearing that song while this is going on, being as how this is about as subtle as punch in the face, but I am hearing it. Nonetheless, they get busted, Jill is heartbroken that her best buddy is a shameless whore and David kicks Robin out on her beautiful ass. While that sucks a little for David, the good news is that his hot office assistant’s even hotter cousin Tina (Denise Boutte) made the trip to the pre-wedding party. Obviously the party was off, but Tina is hot and David can’t cancel those honeymoon tickets at this late date… so what the hell?
I was thinking, at this point, that all the stuff that was supposed to happen in this movie had happened already, but I was so very wrong. It’s just getting started. David is really upset with that dude (Lamman Rucker) who he blames for ruining his wedding. Really upset. Robin is pregnant with David’s child. This also upsets David. Tina really likes David a lot, even though David trusts Tina about as far as he can throw a Cadillac. In fact, because Tina is constantly running a couple of minutes late, David drew up a list of ‘David’s Ten Commandments’ to follow which Tina stayed and listened to. Tina got a call from her brother… David choked her, in a public spot by the waterfront… Tina stayed. David stripped Tina of all of her freedoms and rights and I’m wondering what it’s going to take before Tina leaves for good, but David even has that covered. Tina did tell her therapist that under the anger and the insanity that David is beautiful person, but we gotta say that we didn’t see any of that. Nope. Didn’t see it. Not that David Allen Washington is any less my new personal hero! Minus the choking, slapping and stabbing and murdering and stuff. And if you think your may be on David’s bad side… might want to check your brakes. Seriously.
I think this is a first for us be we are going to start out by giving mad props to costume designer Meriwether Nichols. Toni Trucks, Denise Boutte, Essence Atkins, Elise Neal, Caryn Ward… all very beautiful, physically blessed women with the challenge for Ms. Nichols to be to find a way to pour these women into some fine clothes, keeping them completely covered while at the same time leaving very little to the imagination. She succeeded in this. Outstanding.
But back to ‘N-Secure’ which… you know… probably wasn’t a very good movie, all things considered. The majority of the characters in this movie are abhorrent, not a lot of what these characters do makes a helluva lot of sense, the pacing was wildly erratic, there’s no sense of the passage of time even though I believe years are supposed to have passed during our watching of this film, the movie only vaguely seemed to take place on the Planet Earth… and I couldn’t have shut it off it if I wanted to.
For starters there was Cordell Moore’s performance which was worth the price of admission all on its own. He took his character to unbelievable heights of crazy and it was something to see.
Tina’s phone rings… she doesn’t want to answer… David tells her it’s okay… she talks.
David: Who was that?
Tina: My Brother. He got another promotion!
David: Lying Bitch!
Tina: No, seriously… the family wants to meet you…
David: Now I have to choke you.
That’s pure cinematic gold my friend. You want sympathetic characters? Then you better watch another movie. David was a murdering control freak, Robin by her own admission was a gold digger, Tina… hell, we don’t what to make of Tina but she wasn’t turning down any gifts either, even the crazy hot Office Assistant seemed to enjoy verbal abuse, and she was getting nothing out of it except a check every other week. We did have Harold (Thomas Miles), the guy who worked at the office and did nothing, and he was almost completely wasted for the most part… with the vital exception that he was on the receiving end of one of the more amazing lines ever delivered in cinema history. Simply Amazing.
Sure, David is a first class a-hole, but he does keep these women in line. In fact, inspired by David, I drew up my own list of Christopher’s Critical Ten Commandments and proceeded to read them off to my wife. I was up to number three when I realized the dog was the only one left in the room. Back to the drawing board!
So in a nutshell ‘N-Secure’ is not a good movie and there’s no way around that. But was it entertaining? Oh Good Lord yes. This we cannot deny.