Reviewed by
Christopher Armstead
Back in the day, the Ninja, the most feared of all the warriors, had decided its nigh time for them to be the rulers of all of Asia. They went to China, ran into some peaceful Shaolin monks, and summarily got that ass handed to them. So shamed, the Ninja leader committed harakiri, spilling his guts for all to see. Well his brother is PISSED! He has assembled, and over trained, a team of the toughest, hardest, meanest Ninja warriors ever to make the trip to China and avenge his loss, a battle they must win or it will be the ‘Ninja Final Duel’! A movie so awesome I’m told they made it three times.
So while the Ninja boss is training his men in the ways of the warrior, say like the Water Spider Attack Team which by itself it worth the cost of admission to this movie, there is a Japanese Shaolin disciple, which I didn’t even know existed, which longs to learn the way of the Chinese Shaolin. They need an envoy, like their toughest student, somebody like Wong Chi Chung (Alexander Lo). But before his leader allows him to leave, he needs to pass The Test. The Swastika Trap! Does that sound good to you? Believe me it’s not, and the downside to failing the Swastika Trap test is that you die. Well, Won Chi Chung survives, while fighting in what looks like thigh high stockings and a diaper, and so it’s off to China with his best friend Chian Tin (Charliema Siu) to learn the ways of the Chinese Shaolin.
The bad news is that the Shaolin Abbot (Richard Tseng) has shut down all outside activity to his monastery because the true mission of Shaolin, that being one with oneself and ones surroundings, has been lost due to all the ass-kickings they’ve had to dole out. So Wong, his boy Chian, and the two Californian Monks (it’s complicated) have to go away. To bad the Ninja didn’t get that memo because they are causing a major ruckus up in Shaolin land, killing any and everybody they run across. Wong has also met a girl, played by the AMAZING Alice Tseng in what is listed as her only role, as she has to fend off the Ninja, buck ass naked, except I’m thinking that healthy bush of hers might’ve been a merkin. If you’re out there Alice, hit me up and let me know the real deal behind this mystery.
Something has to be done about the ninja, I mean they are really making a mess of things. But first the Shaolin have to prepare for the arrival of the Black Monk. We at first thought he was a monk dressed in black or something, but no, he’s a monk who’s a Black Guy from Harlem (Eugene Thomas), and not surprisingly, he gets wrongly accused of murder because, to paraphrase Wong, ‘he’s a black guy walking in the woods in China, what else would he be doing?’. But that’s only the beginning of Wong’s racist tirade who also swears to send the Black Monk to the Ghetto in the Sky. Seriously Wong? I mean Seriously? That was completely uncalled for. And what TV show or movie have Chinese filmmakers seen that told them that Black people sound like the voice they often use to dub for black folks. Plus the Black Monk rhymed everything like he was Grand Master Flash or somebody.
Regardless, the abbot is going to lift his ass kicking restrictions, the Evil Ninja King is ready for a showdown, without his pants, and mayhem and destruction and death will be dealt in the ‘Ninja Final Duel’.
Let me tell you, outside of the fact Wong Chi Chung is a virulent racist, Robert Tai’s ‘Ninja Final Duel’ is something to see. Imagine everything ‘stock’ that comes with watching a kung fu movie, say like bad guys that tend to end sentences with cackling, blood spitting from the mouth resulting in instant death, a hero who brushes his thumb across his nose after doing anything mildly impressive, jive talking Black dudes… even though he is a monk… a wise old dude with wild white hair going every which-a-way, and so much more. Then combine those stock kung fu elements with some incredibly awesome fresh stuff… and you have kung fu magic. You also have a story that looks like it was edited with a dull butcher knife which leads to a tale that makes almost no sense, but with the kung fu fighting as sweet as it was, the buck ass naked kung fu fight, both of the Black Monk’s kung fu battles, the ninja’s various techniques to rain hell… Ninja Water Spider Attack…. And not to mention the Supreme Ninja king being so badass that he didn’t even need to wear pants to kick that ass, you have an instant classic on your hands.
If you want coherence, look elsewhere. If you want to see a naked chick totally kick some butt, see one guy fight in a diaper, another battle with no pants, and super badass Black Monk get unnecessarily racially profiled by our hero, then look no further. ‘Ninja Final Duel’ is the ultimate movie.
