In the long history of cinema villains, you would be hard pressed to find anybody more evil than ‘Naked Weapons’ Madame  M.  In the stylized opening of ‘Naked Weapon’ a team of CIA agents are surveying as a sexy assassin with legs as long as I am tall (and I’m not short) strolls into a hotel under the guise as a prostitute purchased for some undisclosed mob boss.  His henchman scans her, but her body is her weapon, which I believe is the tagline or something to this movie.  After a bit of steamy passion, which the agents hidden cameras pickup every square inch of (where these cameras are hiding one can only wonder) our assassin gives our man a sensuous massage then delivers the spine grip of death to that fool.  This is followed by a big shootout ending with a missile blowing up a Porche and Madame M driving up to finish off her wounded assassin before the agents can grab her.  Opening credits haven’t even started yet.

Just how evil is Madame M?

- She kidnaps 40 13-year-old girls gunning down the few who don’t want to stay.
- After years of brutal training, the girls are forced to kill at least one of their friends.
- The remaining girls then must battle in a cage, until there is one.
- The surviving girl is then drugged, and gang raped.
- Girls must do all these things usually wet, in tight tank tops and short shorts.
- An assassin is now born.

Three actually because in an act of ‘kindness’ Madame M stops the last three girls, who have beat each other near to death, from killing each other.  The surviving assassins have dinner with Madame M, THEN they get gang raped.  She claims it helps sets their bodies free, ‘cause it’s their weapon or something.  Oh the humanity.

Starring the stunning Maggie Q, most recently seen as Ethan Hunts colleague in Mission Impossible 3, in additon to the actress Anya and Daniel Wu, Naked Weapon is one of the silliest, most implausible, most ridiculous movies you’ll ever see.  It’s also a helluva a lot of fun from start to finish.  Director Tony Ching stages a fight scene about as well as anybody, I just wish there were more of them.  Everything is completely over the top, the holes in the plot are so large that a hippo could fall through them, but the filmmakers just don’t care.  It’s as if Director Ching is asking; ‘do you want me to connect the dots to this stupid story for you, or do you want to watch Maggie spin around a pole in her underwear for a few minutes before slashing this guys throat?  The choice is yours.’  Well Tony, I choose B.

I mean Madame M has all of her potential assassins kill one another.  After training them for six years.  Essentially halting all assassins until she finally has one ready.  Not very efficient, Madme.  Daniel Wu as Jack Chen is without a doubt the worst CIA agent ever.  He drops his gun, gets beat up constantly, has sex with drugged assassins on the beach, and then falls asleep after he’s done his business, only to wonder where the hell she is after he wakes up.  I should mention that the drugged assassin was shot with an ‘aphrodisiac dart’ by another evil dude.  Why he shot her with the dart, I couldn’t tell you.  But it did make her super horny which eventually led to Maggie and Daniel’s hot love scene on the beach.  I know we had to get there somehow, and believe me, watching Maggie Q roll around on a beach topless doesn’t suck, but there had be a better road to take than that.

But hey, it’s just a movie.  If like your movies the way my sister likes her men; Big, stupid, obnoxious, over the top but a hell of a lot of fun, then by all means, go get you some Naked Weapon.  Or not.  I know I got my copy.