Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Okay now, that’s just plain criminal. Take a look at that box cover to our left over there. You see that vicious looking monster on the cover? Yeah, that creature isn’t in the movie. Nowhere will you find that creature in the movie. But wait, the deception does not end there my friends. Above that creature are the names of Michael Ironside and Steven Bauer. Yeah, they’re in this movie… but just a little bit more than me and you are in this movie. But I guess nobody’s buying a movie with the names Sharon Landry and Louis Herthem at the top of a box cover who are the REAL stars of this movie. But the lies don’t stop there unknown reader with too much time on his or her hands, no sir. Even the title is lie. There are no mutants in this movie, just sugarcane crackheads with boils. But would you go see a movie called Sugarcane Crackheads with Boils starring Sharon Landry and Louis Herthem? I might, because it is what I do… but you probably wouldn’t. It’s an OUTRAGE I say and it’s an Outrage I’m gonna fix!

At least you won’t have to wait to see Bauer and Ironside. Bauer is Lt. Commander Santiago who is sitting in a library detailing something or another via rolling video conference to Colonel Gauge (Ironside). I think I got those ranks correct, I don’t know. Santiago is informing us on something evil going down at a the sugarcane factory, something so evil that it could destroy the world as we know it. However Santiago can’t do anything about it because his orders are to only observe and record. This also keeps him safely in California, or wherever he shot his detached scenes, and away from Louisiana where this movie was shot making it not necessary for him to physically interact with the rest of the cast.

Say goodbye Bauer and Ironside for an awful long time as our movie now begins. It seems this sugarcane company is developing a more addictive form of sugar. This makes about as much sense as creating a more addictive form of crack… or pussy… but we’ll roll with it. Evil Russian scientist Sergei (Armando Leduc) has an issue though in that his sugar derivative creates boil infested lunatics. We should observe that Sergei’s accent sure is thick for somebody who we are told is born, bred and schooled in the United States. Anyway, Sergei has cracked the code, or so he thought, and now the poisoned sugar is shipping out to all.

Meanwhile our evil sugar CEO’s assistant Erin (Landry) is all concerned because her baby brother is missing. You see this company is doing live test trials on junkies and bums and the like because nobody will miss them, but somehow baby bruh got caught up. The good thing for Erin is that there is a mole inside the company funneling her secret information about this situation. Now I’m curious why they’re funneling info to a receptionist, as if she could do something, but this receptionist does have a drunken father (Herthem) who works as a security guard for this company AND is an ex Navy S.E.A.L. Outstanding.

Eventually everybody ends up at the mill locked in with the sugarcane crackheads with boils, commando’s, and executives who want to buy sugarcane crack. Michael Ironside shows back up too. Bauer stays on video conference. Roll credits.

I don’t mind a screwed up movie all that much. In fact the director of this movie Amir Valinia has made a couple of screwed up movies I've seen in #x2018;Lockjaw’ and ‘Lords of the Street’ that I halfway enjoyed. This unfortunately wasn’t one of those movies. We were in trouble from the word ‘jump’ as our commandos were looking for a crackhead to experiment on. Crackheads are fairly easy to come by and have a certain look about them, and if you offer them crack you don’t even have to chase them. So when our commandos chase down this spry young woman who happened to be passing by crackhead row, and also looked like she was a part time track star, I knew we were in trouble. Another problem was the fractured time line this movie used. At first the time in the past was indicated by a darker tint, but then I think they just stopped doing that and just decided to let you figure the sequence of events on your own.

The story, as it were, is very convoluted and features and awful lot of people talking to each other. Equally unfortunate is that the dialog is some of the worse spewing of words that you would ever want to hear. Ever. Our top commando gives the receptionist a drawn out speech about a simpler time when rock solos lasted a half hour and chicken was fried crispy or something… I can’t remember completely... but I expected the receptionist to look at Mr. Commando and say ‘you’re an idiot… get out of my lobby’. Instead she’s like ‘What so wrong with that?’ Uhh… only everything that’s coming out his mouth.

It’s not all bad. The actors bracketing Michael Ironside’s first and last minute in this movie weren’t all bad and while I’m sure this movie had a rock bottom budget it still looked pretty good. But that’s about it for that.

So to be fair and so you won’t be tricked as that box cover has probably already tricked so many, I have submitted, for your approval, a more appropriate box cover. NOW you can make an informed decision.

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