Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Here goes an idea for a movie so get to work. Let’s say we have an ancient Indian burial ground, right? Let’s build a genetics lab, funded by an oil company, on top of this ancient Indian Burial Ground where we splice stuff that has no business being spliced together and in the back yard of this Genetics lab let’s have a day care center where teen counselors ignore the kids while having sex, allowing one kid to die by falling into a vat of genetic splice goo, deep into an Indian Burial grave turning this kid into a huge, deformed, spliced mystical thing bent on revenge. That concept right there is so unoriginal that it’s utterly original. Free of charge my friends, get to writing. What inspired this bolt of amazing creativity was the amazing lack of creativity behind the Sci-Fi original ‘Monsterwolf’, featuring oil companies mucking up Indian Burial Grounds, yet again. However, lacking in creativity doesn’t necessarily mean that one’s movie is going to suck. It’s likely, but not a guarantee.

EvilCorp oil workers are doing some late nite illegal blasting in the town of Podunk Louisiana when they run into some Indian artifacts with a self sustaining blue flame. Strange. The foreman calls EvilCrop CEO Mr. Stark (Robert Picardo) to ask him what to do next. Clearly this foreman has just met Mr. Stark because otherwise he would’ve known Mr. Stark’s response to his stupid question. Blow it up. Unfortunately by doing this they have unleashed the Chipawawa. I think that’s what the Wise Indian Dude (Steve Reevis) called it. This Chipawawa is a 200 pound, razor toothed wolf that completely eviscerates all of these poor people, even though they tried to play fetch with it. What’s up with that?

So those dudes are all dead and stuff, 6 or 8 or 12… who knows? I mean Monsterwolf did a number on those suckers. Mr. Stark could care less because he needs the Wise Indian Dude to sign the deed so he can drill for oil. The Indian dude was wary before, but now that he’s seen the symbol of the Chipawawa… ain’t happening. To fix this situation Stark hires big time New York attorney and former Podunk Louisiana native Maria Bennett (Leonor Varela) to sway the chief with her hotness. Somewhere along the way Maria has lost her way, forgetting her roots, the fact that her old man is the Sheriff (Marc McCaulay) and her love for her redneck boyfriend Yale (Jason London).

Now she just wants to screw over her people and further her career. That is until the Monsterwolf tried to eat her too. I mean Monsterwolf ate a guy who threw a crushed can in the woods. Monsterwolf ate an old dude who tried to better his life by accepting a check from EvilCorp. Monsterwolf ate a guy who accidentally ran him over while he was trying to kill the tall hot lawyer chick. It was accident Monsterwolf. Jeez.

Now all of the sudden Maria remembers in New York City nobody brings you Gumbo when mystical wolves try to kill you. She should probably recognize that in New York City mystical wolves don’t try to kill you to begin with, but that’s neither here nor there. For his part Stark has hired brutal mercenary Mr. Coughlin (John Eyez) to kill the Wolf and hell, why not kill the Wise Indian Dude in the process. Even Dick Chaney thinks that Mr. Stark is out of control. This wolf needs to be stopped because it has a thirst for blood that is unquenchable, and once all of EvilCorp is dead it will turn its attentions to the good townsfolk of Podunk. Only a member of the Chipawawa tribe can stop this wolf but damn if the last member is no longer available. Or maybe not. What are the chances that our tall, tatted up, olive skinned lawyer chick is a Chipawawa tribe member? Damn good. It’s complicated, unnecessarily so, but damn good.

I’m thinking ones state of mind has to have a lot to do with how much enjoyment value one can get out of these Sci-Fi original type movies. Surely ‘Monsterwolf’ can’t be a good movie, I mean it can’t be… can it? However ‘Monsterwolf’ entertained me almost endlessly. I think about the time the legendary Griff Furst sang the redneck version of Silk’s ‘Wanna Get Freaky With You’, I was slayed. Completely wasn’t expecting that.

Director Todor Chapkonov did a really good job with the Monsterwolf itself, keeping it in the shadows and in the dark for the most part so we couldn’t see how crappy it looked, but it was still plenty oppressive. When Monsterwolf took flight and ate a helicopter… damn. Even taking flight can’t get you out of the death grip of the Monsterwolf. I don’t know if Robert Picardo was going for comedy with his Evil CEO shtick, but Mr. Stark was a pretty damned comical character. Note to all Evil CEO’s out there. If you hire somebody to kill somebody, don’t let them borrow one of your corporate fleet vehicles, complete with tracking devices, to drive to this murder gig. Just some advice from me to you.

Yes, ‘Monsterwolf’ has some phenomenally stupid stuff in it, but we are going to ignore all of that on this day. John Eyez channeling the ghost of Sam Jackson (who’s not dead yet) was awesome, Leonor Varela has a pretty amazing figure, there was a Sesame Street style animation detailing the origin of the Chipawawa which was also unexpected and the Monsterwolf took to the skies. I’m sure ‘Monsterwolf’ is not a good movie, but on this day we could care less. If you see a Monsterwolf in your neighborhood, don’t play fetch with it. It doesn’t like that.

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