Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Months ago I started watching this movie ‘Meteor Apocalypse’ from the Asylum’s Faith Films wing, but no matter how hard I tried I just could not stay awake. Admittedly it was late and I was watching the movie in bed so I was willing to lay the blame on those circumstances as opposed to the movie actually being horrifically boring. I had planned, those months ago, to pick up the movie the next day but you know, things come up, butterfly’s float by and now you’re into something else. Then a couple days ago I see that Sci-Fi is showing ‘Meteor Apocalypse’ as their choice for the ‘Most Dangerous Night of Television’ flick that coming week and considering I have this movie why not buckle down and actually watch it. This time I made sure I wasn’t in bed watching this movie and that it was early in the day and I also took the added precaution of juicing up on Pepsi Max. It wasn’t enough. It took everything in my limited powers to stay awake watching this movie, quite possibly the most boring movie of all time that has falling meteorites, exploding buildings, crazed ATV riders, armed homeless people, gunfights, shootouts, car chases and all other sorts of action filled mayhem. How do these things happen?

Our film opens at the Pentagon where the world is united to send up nukes to blast a meteorite heading for earth. Obviously these clowns don’t watch meteorite disaster movies because we all know that never works. Guess what? It didn’t work. Not only didn’t it work but the nukes fragmented that meteor into thousands of little baby meteorites while the daddy meteorite remained the same size and on its collision course to earth.

Now say hello to David (Joe Lando). David is some kind of hydrologist or something which I’m pretty sure is a job that’s not going to help thwart off giant meteorites, but we’re going roll with it. David has a lovely wife in Kate (Claudia Christian) and a precocious twelve year old daughter Alison (Madison McLaughlin). Dave is also a bit of an asshole and he is afraid of heights. Then the meteors start hitting which has messed up the water supply. I don’t know if they explained to us why the meteors messed up the water supply, but it has. Drink the water and you zone out, convulse and eventually die. So while David is off at work checking the water situation, for whatever reason, the GUB-MENT has quarantined his whole family and taken them to Las Vegas. For whatever reason.

Now David has to run to Vegas to get his people and along the way he picks up a little hottie in Lynn (Cooper Leigh). Even though Lynn is cute and all she really doesn’t serve much purpose in this movie. She’s not a love interest, she doesn’t have a gun, she’s always sick and can barely run without being helped, she’s drinking half the water in a place where water is at a premium and she’s not all that bright so she’s not using her brain power to get David out bad situations. She’s a burden. This might be the point for all I know.

Anyway, not a lot unlike Sodom, meteorites have pretty much wiped out Vegas which makes David sad until he hears that his wife and them have been moved to Los Angeles. Happy Joy! But that’s exactly where the big meteor his heading. Can David make it to L.A. and save his family before catastrophe strikes? Well… not really… but… Hell, I don’t know.

Where to start with this one? Let concentrate on the ‘Faith’ aspects. David’s wife asks him to go to church once. We spend some time in a church even though a lot of church stuff wasn’t going on in this church. We meet the pastor of this church who was filled with faith and God so loved this woman that he destroyed her church with a hail of meteorites with her inside. That’s about it for the ‘Faith’ aspects of this movie. Even when all looked lost and the family was reunited surrounded by a barrage of meteors I thought they were going to fall to their knees and pray or something, but no. Not happening.

We are going to avoid talking about how nothing, and we mean nothing in this movie makes any kind of sense. From the wacky quarantines to the President not warning his people to maybe take cover or something to the armed homeless dudes. We’re going to avoid that. We just want to know how director Micho Rutare made a movie that was so dreadfully dull. The performances weren’t all that bad, Joe Lando was interesting in the role, made more interesting by the fact his clothes kept getting dirty and wrinkled but his hair stayed Great Clips Perfect. But the movie itself was uninteresting and it really shouldn’t have been. Meteors destroying the world might not be all that original but these meteors are still blowing up vehicles and causing all kinds of a ruckus so it should be somewhat exciting. It wasn’t. the shootouts, the car chases… admittedly hardly none of these action elements really made any real world sense in relation to the movie, but a movie like this doesn’t have to be 100% lucid to be entertaining. It just has to move. ‘Meteor Apocalypse’ just goes no where and it goes nowhere very slowly.

The only thing ‘Meteor Apocalypse’ is really good for is that it is functional as a drug free sleep aid. Always trying to find the positive. That’s what we are all about.

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