Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

‘Mega Python vs. Gatoroid’ starring both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, created by The Asylum and showing on the Sci-Fi channel as one of their originals. Seriously, is there anything more that needs to be said? Is there anyway that one could come into a film with those parameters and have their expectations set to a level where this film could actually fall beneath these expectations? I would have to say no. The worst this movie can do is meet these low expectations since I don’t think it could fall beneath them. Of course this is contingent with you being familiar with Sci-Fi Channel Originals, The Asylum, Tiffany and Debbie Gibson because if you’re not… then may God help you because if you are not familiar with any of these things and this is your introduction to these combined elements… Again… May God Help You.

Nikki, as played by Debbie Gibson, is some kind of snake PhD who has stolen a bunch of pythons from some dude and released them into the wild of the Everglades despite the fact that these snakes are not indigenous to the Everglades. Worst snake PhD ever.

Terry, as played by Tiffany, is the Parks and Recreations officer of these Everglades and is in constant conflict with Dr. Nikki and her environmental terrorist. Not that Terry is too concerned about all of that because her main focus right now is her impending marriage to the strapping Justin (Carey Van Dyke). As a side note there was a scene where Jasper was driving and he saw Nikki, in a pair of tight jean shorts, trying to fix her car and we caught him ogling her ass. Your guess is as good as mine as to what he was looking at since this woman’s behind is so flat it’s almost inverted. Inside out. But there are people who like that kind of thing. Like Jasper I guess. His fiancé, however, is suffering from none of these physical limitations.

Back on point, these snakes have grown to immense proportions and have taken to eating dogs and killing people forcing Terry to form a hillbilly snake killing task force. Tragically this task force included Justin. The wedding is now on hold for a while. As a side note, Terry was losing it, just bawling about how she was going to kill all of these snakes who had just killed her man. I was thinking she could put the snakes between

her boobs and choke them out. Yes, that was inappropriate, but that’s what I was thinking at the time. Terry has a better idea though, and that would be to feed the gators chickens injected with experimental steroids, to make them gigantic, since these gators and snakes have become mortal enemies. Worst Parks and Recs Officer Ever.

To cut the chase the gators grow as big as sky scrapers, the snakes eat the steroid infested gator eggs and grow as long as football fields, a Native American Snake / Gator doctor (A. Martinez) is called to help, there’s a big Everglades party which will NOT be postponed, a couple of old pop-stars roll around in the water and Mickey Dolenz gets eaten. Roll credits.

For starters let’s say that actress Arden Cho is absolutely adorable. A really cute young lady and we hope she survives the aftermath of this movie and has bright future ahead of her. Also, actress Kristen Wilson is equally beautiful and has enjoyed a wonderful career which this movie theoretically might’ve just ended. Just playing. Look, I said at worst this movie could only meet low expectations and unfortunately it met those expectations. The reasons for this are numerous but we only have time to tap into a few. First, I saw The Asylums own ‘Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus’ the night before I viewed this movie and while ‘Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus’ might not win any awards, compared to ‘Mega Python vs. Gatoroid’, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus’ looks like ‘Cloverfield’. Secondly, I didn’t bank on the powers that be playing the buffoonery angle with this movie, in essence actually trying to make a bad movie. That approach almost never works because you just get a lame movie. This ties into the third problem being that this movie aired right after ‘Mega Piranha’ a movie that was admittedly bad, but tried so hard to be good and what they ended up with was a masterpiece. You DO NOT want to follow ‘Mega Piranha’ in your program lineup. The smarter programming move would’ve been to air ‘Raptor Island’ as a lead-in which would’ve made ‘Mega Python vs. Gatoroid’ look like a Rembrandt. Fourth, neither Tiffany nor Debbie Gibson can act. Admittedly Tiffany was kind of fun to look at with a body type that would make the painter Rubens die from a joyful seizure, but asking ladies that can’t act to be in movie that they know is bad, meaning they are going to try to act badly… just didn’t work. There’s so much more but we’re done here.

What we are not going to do is take shots at our stars, as I have read others do, by calling them ‘has-beens’ and the like. You have to have been something at some point to have even graduated to has-been status and most of us haven’t even done that. Of course this doesn’t change the fact that they are still terrible actresses. We aren’t going to take shots at The Asylum, as we have read others do, some actually wishing death upon the powers behind the little studio that makes some of the worst movies ever. These same people would kick their mother’s in the face just to have an executive from The Asylum read one of their screenplays. Trust me, they have screenplays they want read. Nonetheless this doesn’t change the fact that ‘Mega Python vs. Gatoroid’ was terrible. Absolutely terrible. It didn’t have to do much to rise above lowered expectations and it failed even to do that. How disappointing. But was it really?

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