Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

When I first saw the title for ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ I was thinking that this was a movie about lesbians who kill vampires, which did strike me as kind of odd because what kind of beef would lesbians in particular have with vampires? But if that were the case then I guess the movie would be called ‘Vampire Killing Lesbians’ which actually sounds like that might be an interesting movie. This ain’t to say that ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ isn’t an interesting movie as it combines some rather broad humor, a lot of profanity and lots hot women making out all wrapped around a package that is uniquely British to deliver a final product that is… well… okay.

Our movie features a couple of sad sack slackers in the slow witted Jimmy (Matthew Horne) and the

pleasantly plump and profane Fletch (James Corden). Jimmy’s girlfriend Trudy (Lucy Gaskell) has left him yet again and Fletch has lost his job as the most unsavory party clown ever, so to take the edge off the two decide they need to go on a holiday.

Since the plans of a posh Caribbean cruise had to be nixed due to financial constraints, these two gentlemen instead take the advice of a wayward dart in their local pub which leads them to some rural out of the way town in England for some hiking fun. Fletch is none too happy about this choice, being as how he is fat and not designed for such activities, that is before he spies the VW van full of Swedish hotness which alters his view of this slow, boring sleepy town.

Ah but there is something not quite right with this town. For starters the local pub is stock full of weirdoes, and its proprietor gives our boys free ale. I’ve been to my share of bars and if a one man gives another man anything free, he either wants you for gay sex or wants to watch you have sex with his ugly wife. At least that’s been my experience. Anyway this here sleepy town is the resting place of the legendary lesbian vampiress Camilla (Sylvia Colloca) who was slain years ago by a great warrior, and upon her death cursed this town to be sole supplier of the worlds lesbian vampires, so the townspeople shunt most visitors towards these vamps to keep them off their own ass. These walking dead hotties are simply biding their time until Queen Camilla’s eventual resurrection via a set of circumstances far too complicated to get into right now, but recognize that it does involve our hero Jimmy and his new virgin Swedish paramour in the hip hugger jeans and possessor of a large amount of lesbian vampire knowledge, Lotte (MyAnna Buring).

So lesbian vampires are all over the freaking place and the setting for Camilla’s revival and the end of the world are in set in motion. That is unless Fletch, working with the Van Helsing-esque Vicar (Paul McGann), who is in possession of a dildo handled sword, can help Jimmy to achieve his destiny of freeing the world of blood-sucking bitches. And vampires too.

So what are to make of this movie ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’? One of the things working against this film right out of the gate is that it is a humorous British horror movie which immediately means it’s going to be lumped in with ‘Shawn of the Dead’. This is probably unfair to ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ but this is what one is up against when making a funny British horror movie. One that features two slackers no less. ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ is no ‘Shaun of the Dead’ BUT… it does have its moments.

As the film began, Style was definitely getting the better of Substance, with the fancy titling, fancy chroma-key effects and the admittedly slow and somewhat non-interesting setup of everything. Truth be told the first half hour or so of this film was a bit of a chore to sit through. But eventually, once our heroes and the absolutely lovely MyAnna Buring found themselves locked in a cabin up against the Lesbian Vampire menace, the movie hit a little bit of a groove.

Early in the movie we found James Cordon’s Fletch character to be simply fat and obnoxious, and while he stayed fat and obnoxious throughout the movie, he also became reasonably funny on top of being fat. Failed wit gave way to some clever wit, tired action and lame exposition became somewhat decent action and interesting exposition. Corden and Horne work well together, as one would expect from a veteran comedy team, and while they are probably not quite Martin and Lewis yet, I believe that they are well on their way. Particularly if they hate each other in real life which would make that journey all that much easier.

You get a mixed bag with ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ in that it is a movie that is funny at times, though not nearly as funny as I think it would have liked to have been. However director Phil Claydon did craft a movie that has a very slick look to it and even had a decent scare or two which led to me think they might’ve wanted to concentrate just a little more on the underdeveloped horror aspects of the film, while toning down the overdeveloped comedy bits.

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