Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

There are certain things that only happen in Horror flicks. For instance you're in a situation where a couple of cats he been offed already and you're on edge. You send Chuck or somebody out to get coffee, or a newspaper or a gun or something, and you're waiting for him to comeback. A few minutes later you hear all kinds of sounds bumping around and you call out Chuck’s name like repeatedly but you don’t hear an answer. Obviously the monster / Slasher / Lunatic is out to get you, but no, it’s just Chuck’s stupid ass. Yo Chuck… a slasher, monster, lunatic is trying kill us at the moment so how much trouble would it be to simply say ‘Yo dog, it’s just me Chuck?’ Could you have done that for me dog? I mention this because this one of the many clichés dug up and thrown out in this little horror film from land of tea and crumpets going by the name of ‘Long Time Dead’

Our film tells the tale of some randy West-End young adults who be it Brighton or Des Moines, love to drink, do drugs, nasty dance to generic techno and be loud and obnoxious. Getting bored with whole drinking and nasty dancing thing, our kids decide it’s time to dabble in the occult with like a home made Ouija board in the basement of this illegal rave party they are attending. They are in luck as one of their friends is a black female. Now this is a known fact, and I know this fact because I watch a lot of movies which are based on nothing BUT facts: All black females, be they 8 to 80, blind, crippled or crazy all have some kind of voodoo knowledge. Guaranteed. Anyway our black, voodoo augmented female, Lucy as played by the lovely Marsha Thomason, who has the distinction of being the hottest female in some of the world’s worst films, i.e., this one, ‘The Haunted Mansion’, ‘Black Knight’, guides our crew through the process of talking to the dead. Something goes wrong (duh!) and now there’s a Djinn on the loose. Now Lucy, being voodoo augmented has all kinds of books on the subject of Djinn’s so I suggest you find her to ask her why these things

are so bad to have around. Oh that’s right, Lucy’s a Black character in a horror movie which means she’s dead. My bad. One by one this Djinn is picking off our whacky Brits and the one American dude (Lucas Haas) until some cat named Rob (Joe Absolom) can figure out the reason why this thing is killing up everybody, what the hell does it have to do with his Dad who is locked away in the looney bin, and the why the weird old dude in the downstairs loft has built a shrine dedicated to his ass. All these questions and more will be answered shortly.

Admittedly I am having some fun at the expense of ‘Long Time Dead’, but it’s really not that bad really. It’s not that good either and that’s probably where the problem with this movie and soooooo many like it in that they are indistinguishable from one another. Evil Spirit comes to life, picks off silly kids one by one, reason why is found out, twist at the end, roll credits. And of don’t forget the whole dude not announcing who the hell he is thing, ‘tricking’ us into thinking he’s the monster. Since we don’t get to see who the ‘Creature’ is until the very end, Director Marcus Adams, since he is stripped of his Freddy or Jason to chase the kids around, is stuck chasing the kids around with a POV camera. I guess it kind of works, but then the kids can’t see who chasing them anyway while they’re running away so I guess it’s actually kind of silly.

Just one more worthless observation from my vantage point is why does God allow all these crazy yunguns to call up demons, devils, satanic creatures, Djinn’s, and long lost heretics? Somebody should make a movie where the kids call up some Angels or something, or maybe even God himself. I’m sure the same krazy Latin incantations must apply, just a few slight changes in the nomenclature. I’m not going to speak for God or anything, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want Krazy Demons running around killing his chosen people so somebody chant up Demon killing angel or something, huh?

Anyways, ‘Long Time Dead’ aside from its lame title which I guess means something has been ‘Dead for a Long Time’ differentiates itself very little from the endless glutted sea of horror out there and may be worth watching if you have absolutely nothing else to do with your immediate time.

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