Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

You’re kidding me right?  Stan Lee put his name on this?  Honestly though, scanning through the IMDB listing for ‘Stan Lee Presents:  Lightspeed’ you won’t find Mr. Lee’s name anywhere near it.  So personally, I’m not going to hate on an eighty year old man going for a cash grab with the grave squarely in his sights.  Go get that loot Stan!  Cash grabs aside, ‘Lightspeed’ is really, really, really bad.  But, and this is important, it is not without entertainment value.  So I slip ‘Lightspeed’ into the DVD player and a good ten minutes in its fairly obvious that this going to be crap.  Seconds away from ejecting this garbage and moving on to an episode of ‘Pros vs. Joes’, my wayward brother wanders into the house and asks what I’m watching.  I reply ‘Where I come from, we call it some BULLSHIT – that’s what I’m watching.  Seconds after that came out my mouth, Lee ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’ Majors walks across the screen and my brother points to him and responds; ‘Well, there you go.’  He takes a seat, and since we are fairly similar in humor and personality, we had a grand old time laughing at this movie.

Jason Connery is Daniel Leight, ace member of the crack commando team the Ghost Squad.  A group of terrorist lead by the evil reptilian Python (Daniel Goddard) are stealing some technology and it’s up to the Ghost Squad to stop them.  They don’t because they suck.  Python kicks Daniel’s ass, then walks out the front door, jumps in his SUV and drives off.  You’d think a heavily guarded government building under attack would notice a 6’6” snake dude sporting a Darth Vader hood walking out the front door, but damn if he didn’t slip past the ‘Ghost Squad’ with ease.  Anyways, Python blows up the building and in the process crushed Daniel’s legs.

It seems Daniel and Python, before he transformed into an evil man-snake, were homies back in the day, before the government shut down Python’s skin regeneration project.  When a bad accident occurs in dudes lab and turns and turns him into a Python, he ends up blaming Daniel for everything.  The Death of his sister, his having snake skin, Iraq, Global Warming… Everything.  In the hospital where Daniel is undergoing radical radioactive treatments to regenerate his legs, Python busts in to free one his Capo’s.  He blasts a bunch of orderlies in the head with an 80 caliber gun, but when he sees Daniel, simply turns up his ‘radical radiation dial’ so he can suffer as Python did.  Whatever.  The radiation gives Daniel super speed and now in his silly ski suit he’s ready to take on Python and thwart his evil plan to DESTROY THE WORLD!!!

An incomplete list of problems with ‘Lightspeed’ would include awful sound, a terrible score, some of the most stilted acting ever, a severe lack of hotties, the presence of Lee Majors, choppy editing and pacing, a ridiculous plot and most of all, a super lame Super Hero.  My brother commented that ‘Lightspeed’ felt like a porn movie, and he’s not far off the mark as director Don E. Fauntleroy helmed quite a few of those late night Skinemax flicks.  Now I know Jason Connery is Sean’s son and all, but surely they could have acquired a more heroic looking hero than this cat.  I really don’t want to hate on the dude because he’s probably a great guy, but he’s not very fit, he has a receding hairline, he has no chin (a superhero with no chin?), and he’s not very good looking either.  And he’s not a good actor.  See!  See what they made me do!  Lightspeed himself was pretty weak too though, so maybe it isn’t all Jason’s fault.  We all know superhero’s have like a major weakness such as Superman and kryptonite, or Spiderman and his mechanical web shooters.  It would seem that Lightspeeds’ weakness is his glass jaw.  Seriously, Python socks this dude once and he’s pretty much out like a light.  Is it because of Python’s super strength?  Well Python was literally pummeling Lightspeeds girl (Nichole Eggert) with vicious straight jabs to the mug and she was able to shake them off pretty easily.  But not our ‘superhero’.

There was other stupid stuff such as Python stealing the Flux Steam redoubler or something from the high security lab, replacing the redoubler with a replica he created and then blowing the joint up.  What the hell kind of sense does that make?  Why go to the trouble to create a replica to trick the ‘ghost squad’ and then leveling the place?  Then Python stole a vial of the super explosive Napatonium because he’s gonna blow up D.C. with it.  Lightspeed manages to retrieve it and then jabs it into Python’s neck.  I’m thinking that’s probably a bad move since this stuff was about to level D.C., but all it did to Python was give him back case of the burns.  Lastly (though there’s much more) Lightspeed runs at the speed of light we’re told, but yet it takes him 10 minutes to get from what I guess is upstate New York to Washington DC.  Considering light goes at something like 186,000 miles a second, he probably should have got there a little sooner I’m thinking.  Musta took the scenic route.

Yes, this was phenomenally weak, outlandishly stupid and profoundly horrible but with a few friends in attendance and, though I don’t recommend this, copious consumption of alcohol, because if you do drink before you watch ‘Lightspeed’ it will only heighten your entertainment value.  Go grab that cash Stan!  I even have your next project:  ‘Stan Lee Present:  The Pole Dancer’.  Let’s talk bro.

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