This is for you Hoskey. So I work with this young man Scott Hoskey, who truth be told really isn’t all that young, and he implores me to watch this crappy movie ‘Lake Placid 2’ because apparently he doesn’t like to suffer alone, with this flick being another in that long line of classics we know as ‘SciFi Channel Originals’. Admittedly I put it off for a while, years even, probably because I’ve had my fill of killer croc movies. ‘Super Croc’, ‘Croc’, ‘Dinocroc’, ‘Crocodile’, ‘Crocodile 2’, ‘Killer Crocodile’ and we’re not even going to get into the Snake, Shark and Alligator movies, though all of these, including the original ‘Lake Placid’ fall far short of sheer lunacy of fun that was 1980’s John Sayles penned ‘Alligator’… Oh Robin Riker, we loved you so. ‘Frankenfish’ does come dangerously close though. But this is about ‘Lake Placid 2’, an alleged sequel to the Bridget Fonda joint a couple of years back ‘Lake Placid’. A movie that certainly wasn’t begging for no sequel, and if even it was begging for a sequel, I doubt it would have been begging for this.
Since all Shark, Crocodile, Alligator, Big Snake flicks
all start the same, why should this one be any
different? Dudes are doing something on a lake, one dude
bends over then suddenly disappears while the other dude
trips out and limbs float to the surface. Next we see Bo
Duke (John Schneider) playing Sheriff Riley and dealing
with a teenaged son who hates him. Regardless, off to
work Sheriff Riley goes when he sees the dude whose
buddy got eaten early in the morning, and who is
remarkably cool about it. Though The Law has their
doubts about my man’s legitimacy, my boy is dragging
around bloody severed limbs to prove his point. This
brings in the Forest and Wildlife hottie Emily (Sarah
Lafluer) into play who was once Sheriff Riley’s squeeze,
but cut him loose because she felt he was still jonesing
for his ex-wife. Do any of these relationships have
anything to do with killer crocs? Oh God no, but it sure
did make me care about these characters. Not
So Bo Duke, the hottie and the dude carrying the severed arms get on a boat to investigate when the hottie decides she needs to jump in the water to investigate further and strips down to her Victoria’s Secrets. Perhaps this is a bit of an unconventional Department of Wildlife procedure, and certainly a stupid one since we are in the possession of severed limbs, but none the less appreciated. Without warning a poorly rendered CGI croc eats the boat and forces our heroes in a swim race to get back to the shore before the Croc gets them, a race they amazingly win because lord knows a croc can’t get to you once reach shore. Actually a crazy game hunter (Sam McMurray) and his Jamaican sidekick (Joe Holt) had landed on the water in an awful looking CGI water plane which scared the croc away. I should also mention that the Betty White character from the first film has a crazy sister played by Cloris Leachman who is treating the crocs, because there’s a bunch of them, as children. I should also mention that the son met some crazy kids who are partying on the beach, one of whom decides to go topless for no particular reason other than she signed the nudity waiver. Whatever, now the big game hunter, his Jamaican Mr. French, Bo Duke, the hottie, Phyllis from the Mary Tyler Moore Show, the bratty kid and his hottie are going to have to use harpoons, plastique, grenade launchers, and a pocket knife to end the threat of the killer Crocs of Lake Placid!
There are so many wonderful things about this movie I don’t where to begin. In one scene Bo Duke is unable to blow up a croc with grenade launcher, but yet in another scene the Jamaican dude jumps on the back of a croc and stabs it death with his pocket knife. Awesome. I loved the scene when the deputy got up and close to Mr. Croc, who was apparently playing possum with a tranquilizer dart stuck in his eye, while this cat was tying to a knot around his mouth with some thread while everybody else was backing away in fear, because apparently they knew the croc was playing possum. Perhaps someone should have told Barney Fife over there. Oh well. I actually found it most enjoyable the rather nonchalant attitude of everyone in the film when dealing with four 80 foot fifty ton crocodiles. ‘Oh look, a croc as big as my house, somebody pass me the rocket launcher… oh darn, too late… it’s eating my ass.’ I don’t know much about making movies, but I’ve heard that even though there’s not really a croc there, I think the ‘actors’ are supposed to ‘pretend’ that there’s something there anyway. Nobody passed along that thespian technique to these people. Though there’s more glory to be had in ‘Lake Placid 2’, I’ll just end this by observing that I’ll sure be glad when the day comes that computer generated stuff can be made to look halfway decent. You woulda thunk those ILM guys would have figured out how pull that off already. Oh well.
Yes Hoskey, ‘Lake Placid 2’ was uniformly awful and couldn’t even be saved by a Phyllis sighting, a gratuitous titty shot or watching Sarah Lafluer jump in to croc infested waters in her underwear. Thanks for ruining my Saturday afternoon Hoskey.