Reviewed by
Christopher Armstead
Uh… yeah. ‘Lady Terminator’. If you’re reading this, you’re a special person. Either you’ve seen this movie or you wish to see this movie or you’re a weirdo who surfs the net reading obscure movie reviews. Either way, you’re special. Yes my friends, there are people out there who would never… ever… entertain the thought of watching something like this, despite the fact that ‘Lady Terminator’ is a universally awesome movie. No, it’s not a good movie, but a movie doesn’t need to be good to be awesome, and if you’re reading this then you know exactly what that means.
Our film opens with the Queen of the South Sea receiving pleasure from some dude. I guess it was pleasure. That look on the Queen’s face had me thinking that somebody in the room just farted but I guess that’s how the Queen gets down. Next thing you know, the pleasuring dude is in pain, and blood is shooting up from his private area all over his face. It sounds horrible but watching it was even worse. Apparently the Queen’s V-Jay has just eaten this dudes pecker as the queen rolls off of him whining about why no man can please her. I’m no gynecologist Ms. Queen, but maybe it’s because your vagina eats peckers? Maybe? Then as if on cue Mr. White Suit walks in, and starts pleasing the Queen, but he knew better than use his pecker and instead used his other pleasure device. Think 68, and I owe you one. So great was this dudes tongue… bear with me here… that the Queen’s cooch spits out some kind of viper which White Suit takes and turns into a dagger. Hey, that’s what happened. The Queen then swears to make him pay by killing his granddaughter… that is when he eventually has children. She then walks into the sea.
Fast forward a hundred years where we meet smoking hot anthropologist Tania Wilson (Barbara Anne Constable). You don’t think Tania’s an anthropologist? She will remind you over and over again. She’s doing a thesis on the South Sea Queen, though the weird dude at the library tells her not to do this research. She doesn’t listen. She travels out to the ocean to deep sea dive for the missing something or another, though the weird boat captain tells her not to do this. Next thing you know Tania is magically strapped to a bed, and a viper jumps into her cooch, and a completely nude, perfectly sculpted Lady Terminator is born.
As it turns out White Suit does have a granddaughter in Erica the Pop Star (Claudia Angelique Radamaker) and after Lady Terminator sexes up a couple dudes and devours their peckers with her cooch viper, The Lady Terminator is on the hunt. But not so fast because chance has thrown Erika together with hardcore babyskinned cop Max McNeil (Christopher J. Hart) who has made it his mission to protect Erika because the world needs more bad pop stars. Believe me, protecting Erika from Lady Terminator is more than a notion because this soft skinned, shapely woman in the black vinyl and tight blue tank top ain’t no freaking joke. She will shoot, stab, kill, blow up, kill, murder and kill anything and anyone who has the nerve to get in her way. Can she be stopped? Erika’s uncle says he can stop her, but as it turns he was just a confused loser. But before he goes onto his final destination, he gives Erika a knife that is the key to stopping the mad killer. An awful lot of Indonesian citizen’s sure wish Erika would’ve used that knife a long time ago. Roll the credits and be amazed.
What makes ‘Lady Terminator’ so awesome? Barbara Ann Constable makes ‘Lady Terminator’ so awesome. Yes, she looks great in a bikini, and sure she looks even better buck ass naked, but as far as goose stepping badass bitches in a bad movie go, this super athletic young woman is at the top of that pile. This is listed as her only role, so that means that no other filmmaker could find a use for a supremely toned, athletic, beautiful young woman who had no problem being naked all day? No one? That’s outrageous. And the character she played was completely off the chain. Observe in the completely ripped off Police Precinct Seige as Lady Terminator asks the guy where her mark is, he doesn’t know, then she riddles him with bullet after bullet, Sonny Corleone style… then kicks him in the nuts. Seriously Lady Terminator? Was that necessary? Whenever Barbara Ann Constable was on screen, even when she was just a lowly anthropologist, this movie was impossible to turn away from. Way easier to turn away from when she wasn’t on the screen.
The other leads unfortunately didn’t have Barbara Anne’s magic considering Erika was whiney and Max was bland. This is listed as their only roles as well, but for some reason we aren’t as upset about their careers being cut short as we are about Barbara Ann not becoming the superstar she deserved to be.
You want violence? Man, if you didn’t die in this movie you weren’t trying hard enough. You want action? Don’t blink because you will miss something blowing up or a car chase or something you don’t want to miss. Blink all you want during the extra lame Max / Erika love sequence. You want sexual innuendo? I’m sure the pecker chomping coochie viper meant something way deeper than just simple pecker dismemberment.
All I’m saying is that ‘Lady Terminator’ is a special movie for special people. Is that you? I’m betting it is. We miss you Barbara Ann… a shame that a talent like that couldn’t be exploited… I mean nurtured to its full potential.
