Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
From our friends at the Sci-Fi Channel and standby Sci-Fi Channel feature film director Tibor Takacs we have 'Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep'.  Even though this thing is just a big CGI squid and not a Kraken.  And while Tibor is my guy, a dude I can turn to churn out quality nonsense like 'Copperhead' or 'Ice Spiders' I gotta say this isn't one of my man's better efforts.

Little Ray's parents loved each a lot back in 1982, as we see them enjoying a boat ride in the dead of night, with little Ray in the cabin reading a book, until the giant squid got 'em!  Ray saw this and he's is now scarred for life, though the little boy playing little Ray looked more like he just lost one of his Hot Wheels than both his parents to a crazed sea monster. 

Fast forward to the present day where we meet marine biologist Dr. Nichole, as played by actress Victoria Pratt whose abdominals are phenomenal.  If one of your innate desires in life is to see Victoria Pratt in a bikini-top, then we have your movie right here.  There were times when it seemed as if it would be prudent for the young woman to cover up, like at dinner or something, but that never happened.  There was even a scene in this movie where she was wearing a shawl over her bikini top, but she remembered that was a no-no in this movie for her character, and promptly took that mess off.  Outstanding.  Anyway, Nichole is looking for lost treasure on the high seas with horny youngsters Jenny (Kristy Angus) and Michael (Cory Monteith), when the Kraken shows up and eats the ship's captain. 

Since this is the 'present day' and all, it's time to meet Grown Up Ray (Charlie O'Connell) who has been waiting for just this type of news so he can finally wreak revenge on Moby
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Squid.  He heads up to wherever this movie takes place, charms Nichole with his dimpled chin, and now he's on board helping her hunt artifacts in the guise of taking down the big squid.  But love looks to be right around the corner.

Also we will meet Greek mobster Maxwell (Jack Scalia), who also has a dimpled chin, but it's an eeevil dimpled chin, and Maxwell has been tracking Dr. Nichole as she is close to retrieving some precious artifacts that will put him back in good graces with his mobster family.  It's all kind of silly. 

Where is the squid during all this love play, mobster nonsense and artifact hunting?  Not doing much of anything really.  They do show a scene where some stupid kids are out fishing and manage to get eaten by the squid, note that one of these kids was played by genre favorite Christa Campbell who is no kid but loved nonetheless by the FCU, but in this movie the alleged Kraken was an afterthought to be honest with you.

Eventually, the evil Greek mobsters, the artifact hunters and the squid hunter will all meet in an artifact showdown.  The squid finally will show up as well and Ray can finally have his revenge.  How?  If you said shooting it with a machine gun, then you're one up on me.

The main problem with 'Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep' is that the Kraken kind of sucks.  It sucks in appearance, in sucks in execution, it was intelligently inconsistent and its mythology was awful.  So we're told that the Kraken is simply trying to protect the mythical Orb of Mythos or whatever the hell that fake Faberge egg thingie that our treasure hunters were trying to secure, but that doesn't really explain why that asshole of a squid ate Ray's parents or those idiot kids fishing at night.  Of course the squid itself looked like CGI ass, and then the worst part is that it was barely even a co-star in this movie, right behind Victoria Pratt's cleavage, Charlie O'Connell's chin and Jack Scalia's hair.  And by its inconsistent intelligence, this squid is smart enough to cut the airline from scuba diver, but it forgets it can't breathe out of water and launches itself on a ship's deck.  Dumb ass squid. 

Now to Ms. Pratt's and Mr. O'Connell's credit, they did seem to genuinely get along in this movie.  Clearly movie chemistry isn't easy to do, case in point we saw Ms. Pratt in another Sci-Fi epic with Sean Patrick Flannery and had Ms. Pratt dropped dead at any point in that movie, I'm thinking Sean Patrick would've been okay with that.  But Charlie and Victoria really had genuine chemistry together.  In fact what Team Tibor Takacs probably should've done is completely remove the squid, edit a few scenes together differently and now they would've had a perfectly acceptable Lifetime TV movie.  Would that have made this movie better?  Of course it wouldn't have, but I wouldn't have tuned in to the Lifetime channel to watch 'Love Over Troubled Waters', as I was naturally drawn into watching 'Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep'.

Not a bad love thriller melodrama, but a terrible monster movie was 'Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep'. 
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