Well apparently just because you’ve been in a bunch of movies doesn’t necessarily mean you can actually make a movie. Who amongst us doesn’t love and cherish Robert Englund? Judging from interviews he seems like a very nice, pleasant and polite man, he’s been acting since before a lot us were even born and naturally his work as Freddy Krueger has given him the much lauded status as a bonafide icon. So when ‘Killer Pad’ is announced and I hear that Robert Englund will be in the directors chair, I wanted it to be good because firstly, I like seeing entertaining movies, and secondly I like Robert Englund as a person and would like to see him do well as he enters his golden years. Unfortunately neither of those hopes was fulfilled as ‘Killer Pad’ is quite simply, putrid. Now I’ve never seen Englund’s directorial debut with ‘976-EVIL’ back in ’89, but thanks to ‘Killer Pad’ I won’t be doing any backtracking no time soon, that’s for sure.
Brody (Shane McRae), Doug (Daniel Fanzese) and Craig (Eric Jungman) are three brain dead young men from Nebraska, or some state that ends in a vowel, heading out on their own in Hollywood. Their housing plans get sidetracked somehow but fortunately they know some dragon lady named Winnie, played by Mad TV’s Bobby Lee who has snatched this role from a legitimate Asian actor who was born a woman who I would much rather had been looking at. Alas this was just one of the many disappointments of ‘Killer Pad’. So Winnie has a killer deal on a killer pad for these crazy kids from Idaho, with the only drawback being that in the basement there is a portal to hell.
Soon our super slow Montana trio gets a visit from the rather lovely Lucy (Emily Foxler) who brings over an Angel Food cake, which she cannot eat naturally since she’s like evil or something, but so smitten by the lovely short skirted blond the boys invite her to a house warming party. Problem is that they don’t know anybody in
Hollywood being as how they’re from Iowa and all so they print up some flyers and circulate them around town for like the biggest Killer Pad Part ever. Wouldn’t you know that Lucy also has two sizzling hot buddies in Delilah (Noreen DeWulf) and Jezebel (Corri English) who are also coming to the party and ready to please. As good looking as Emily Foxler is believe me when I tell you that Noreen DeWulf and Corri English are much hotter, though you couldn’t tell from this movie. You would actually have to back track in the filmography of these two fine specimens of femininity to experience their toastiness, and neither of them gets naked in this movie either as the worthless factor of Mr. Englund’s film is reaching dizzying heights.
So they throw this party and everybody who’s anybody has shown up, including Joey Lawrence, but unfortunately that whole portal to hell thing is really causing trouble, systematically killing the party guests leaving a drugged out drunken priest from North Dakota so save the day by singing Kiss songs.
If it sounds lame, that’s
because it is lame. Robert Englund is over sixty years
old and has been acting since I’ve been on breast milk
so who in the hell am I to give this man, who we’ve
already determined is a very pleasant person, filmmaking
advice. Well, ‘Killer Pad’ has opened that door for all
of us to comment. So when faced with the narrative
choice of showing somebody’s head in a toilet covered
with dookey or perhaps flashing a set of boobs, always,
always, always opt for the boobs. That’s just a
suggestion. When faced with option of using an Asian
comedian, even if he’s funny, dressed as a transvestite
or a real Asian woman who has a real set boobs, always
opt for the REAL Asian woman. When your film has a scene
where your characters raid a porno set and you have the
choice of naked porno actresses or showing a midget’s
naked butt, do NOT make the decision that was made here
by showing the midget’s naked butt. Repeatedly.
Oh, we're not done yet. While watching a rough cut of your film and you realize you have a scene with two male characters spooning and three hot blondes in a hot tub who keep their bikini’s on, immediately cut the spooning scene and order a hot tub re-shoot immediately! When watching a rough cut of your film and realize the only funny thing in it is a Joey Lawrence cameo, immediately cut out Lawrence’s scenes to create the illusion that the humor is consistent throughout, thus tricking the audience into thinking the WHOLE movie is funny – though this one might not work. Lastly, when watching the final cut of your film and you’ve come to the tragic conclusion that your horror comedy is neither comical nor scary, order more reshoots to include more boobs and change the genre from a horror comedy to a sex comedy. No, it won’t make the movie any better, but it can’t make it worse and it will increase sales. Why I’m not working for a major studio with this kind of forward thinking is way beyond me. My advice to you, the film watcher, is simply to avoid ‘Killer Pad’.