'Jurassic Attack'. Since the movie has
the word 'Jurassic' in its title, I'm going to watch it, just
like I'm going to watch a movie with the word 'ninja' in its
title. Which of course leads us to the inevitable
progression of this concept, 'Jurassic Ninja'. And there
I go again dispensing high quality cinematic themeology for
absolutely no cost. Get to work filmmakers! Now
you may be thinking, 'I can't make a movie… I probably suck at
it!' Uh… maybe you should watch 'Jurassic Attack' before
making such crazy statements my future filmmaking friend.
Evil Columbian terrorist Marquez (Israel Saez de Miguel) is on
the run somewhere in Belize, I think, causing a ruckus.
So evil is this Marquez character that when hot bio-geneticist
Angeles Ibanez (Natascha Berg) was minding her own business,
comfortably lounging in her bed in her finest Victoria's
Secrets, this lunatic clubs her on the head and kidnaps
her. The fiend! I guess he could've gotten a less
hot Bio-Geneticist to create this awesome bioweapon he wants
to use to crush the imperial dogs known as the United States,
but then it would make raping her at night, after she works
all day, less appealing. The fiend!
Well we Imperial Dogs can't let this
weapon come to fruition, and thus hardcore Col. Carter (Corin
Nemec) dispatches a super duper hardcore crew of soldiers to
retrieve Dr. Berg, crush Marquez, and disable the bomb.
Who are these hardcore, bloodthirsty soldiers? Hell if I
can remember. I know one is Captain Scruffy (Gary
Stretch) as the leader, I know another is hot chick #2, played
by Alicia Zeigler who I know personally because I met her at a
party once. Seriously, I did. Another is Black Guy
and then there's Australian or British Dude… couldn't make out
the accent. There are more but they are all gonna be
Jurassic
food soon, so we won't worry about them all
that much. So they traipse through the woods throwing up
soldier hand signals and whatnot, find the hot doc, and a
shootout occurs. Now it seems to me that the rebels and
the soldiers might've been fighting in different time zones
since the sun seemed to be setting while the rebels where
shooting, but the sun was noon high while the soldiers where
shooting, and I've heard there's a little thing in post called
color correction that can sorta fix that, but we're not going
worry about all of that either.
So where are these dinosaurs? They are in the valley
that our crew's helicopter crash lands into while trying to
take the doc to safety and Marquez to justice. You want
to be annoyed? Hang out with Marquez for a just five
minutes while he laughs and cackles and laughs some
more. The sooner this clown gets attacked Jurasically,
the better off we will be. Regardless, our soldiers
aren't aware they are in Jurassic land because T-Rex's an
brontosauruses are in stealth mode for whatever reason right
now, but as their numbers dwindle, the know something is
up. It also helps that our hot biogeneticist is also
Jurasically blessed as well and has a sound theory why these
are dinosaurs eating folks in the 21st century, cemented by
our crew stumbling upon the wacky Dr. Roxton (Michael Worth)
who has been living with these dinosaurs for the last five
years. Think of him as the 'Dinosaur Whisperer'.
The situation for our team of adventurers is a daunting
one. Escape the Land that Time forgot, keep Marquez from
killing them in between time, keep Dr. Roxton from sicking the
dinosaurs after them since he's dinosaur Jane Goodall and all,
and do this before some bureaucrat back at base drops a nuke
on them, because that's what you do in a movie like this.
Yes, director Anthony Frankhuaser's 'Jurassic Attack' is a
fairly terrible movie, and there's not a lot of spin we can
deliver to skate around this. The narrative is haphazard
and slapdash, the acting ranges from tolerable to atrocious,
the pacing is erratic and the CGI is suspect. Now the
CGI dinosaurs themselves weren't so bad, except when the
dino's were required to eat people then the CGI
inconsistencies reared their ugly head with a fierceness,
particularly the victims tendency to dissolve into sloppy CGI
blood.
But again, and this is no excuse or absolution for a movie
being crappy, but it is called 'Jurassic Attack', it was shot
with a budget that I'm sure equaled the cost of a quality
German luxury car, and it will undoubtedly show up on the SyFy
Channel in the near future, if it hasn't already, which is
just to say we kind of expected all of this going in. So
in a normal movie when one of our characters, this time Black
Dude, leaves his serrated knife just lying around so a
cackling Marquez can just randomly pick it up, we would
normally have a problem with this, but not in this
movie. In fact at one point they even give Marquez a
gun. Does that make any sense? Of course it
doesn't in a normal movie, but in this one… why the hell
not. These are pretty much the worst soldiers
ever, but in a movie like this…
As we always point out, we expect these movies to be at a
certain low level and sometimes they rise above the level, and
in the worst case scenario, they fall below. While
'Jurassic Attack' didn't rise above, we are at least thankful
that it didn't dip below.
