Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
'Jurassic Attack'.  Since the movie has the word 'Jurassic' in its title, I'm going to watch it, just like I'm going to watch a movie with the word 'ninja' in its title.  Which of course leads us to the inevitable progression of this concept, 'Jurassic Ninja'.  And there I go again dispensing high quality cinematic themeology for absolutely no cost.  Get to work filmmakers!  Now you may be thinking, 'I can't make a movie… I probably suck at it!'  Uh… maybe you should watch 'Jurassic Attack' before making such crazy statements my future filmmaking friend.

Evil Columbian terrorist Marquez (Israel Saez de Miguel) is on the run somewhere in Belize, I think, causing a ruckus.  So evil is this Marquez character that when hot bio-geneticist Angeles Ibanez (Natascha Berg) was minding her own business, comfortably lounging in her bed in her finest Victoria's Secrets, this lunatic clubs her on the head and kidnaps her.  The fiend!  I guess he could've gotten a less hot Bio-Geneticist to create this awesome bioweapon he wants to use to crush the imperial dogs known as the United States, but then it would make raping her at night, after she works all day, less appealing.  The fiend!

Well we Imperial Dogs can't let this weapon come to fruition, and thus hardcore Col. Carter (Corin Nemec) dispatches a super duper hardcore crew of soldiers to retrieve Dr. Berg, crush Marquez, and disable the bomb.  Who are these hardcore, bloodthirsty soldiers?  Hell if I can remember.  I know one is Captain Scruffy (Gary Stretch) as the leader, I know another is hot chick #2, played by Alicia Zeigler who I know personally because I met her at a party once.  Seriously, I did.  Another is Black Guy and then there's Australian or British Dude… couldn't make out the accent.  There are more but they are all gonna be Jurassic
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food soon, so we won't worry about them all that much.  So they traipse through the woods throwing up soldier hand signals and whatnot, find the hot doc, and a shootout occurs.  Now it seems to me that the rebels and the soldiers might've been fighting in different time zones since the sun seemed to be setting while the rebels where shooting, but the sun was noon high while the soldiers where shooting, and I've heard there's a little thing in post called color correction that can sorta fix that, but we're not going worry about all of that either.

So where are these dinosaurs?  They are in the valley that our crew's helicopter crash lands into while trying to take the doc to safety and Marquez to justice.  You want to be annoyed?  Hang out with Marquez for a just five minutes while he laughs and cackles and laughs some more.  The sooner this clown gets attacked Jurasically, the better off we will be.  Regardless, our soldiers aren't aware they are in Jurassic land because T-Rex's an brontosauruses are in stealth mode for whatever reason right now, but as their numbers dwindle, the know something is up.  It also helps that our hot biogeneticist is also Jurasically blessed as well and has a sound theory why these are dinosaurs eating folks in the 21st century, cemented by our crew stumbling upon the wacky Dr. Roxton (Michael Worth) who has been living with these dinosaurs for the last five years.  Think of him as the 'Dinosaur Whisperer'.

The situation for our team of adventurers is a daunting one.  Escape the Land that Time forgot, keep Marquez from killing them in between time, keep Dr. Roxton from sicking the dinosaurs after them since he's dinosaur Jane Goodall and all, and do this before some bureaucrat back at base drops a nuke on them, because that's what you do in a movie like this.

Yes, director Anthony Frankhuaser's 'Jurassic Attack' is a fairly terrible movie, and there's not a lot of spin we can deliver to skate around this.  The narrative is haphazard and slapdash, the acting ranges from tolerable to atrocious, the pacing is erratic and the CGI is suspect.  Now the CGI dinosaurs themselves weren't so bad, except when the dino's were required to eat people then the  CGI inconsistencies reared their ugly head with a fierceness, particularly the victims tendency to dissolve into sloppy CGI blood.

But again, and this is no excuse or absolution for a movie being crappy, but it is called 'Jurassic Attack', it was shot with a budget that I'm sure equaled the cost of a quality German luxury car, and it will undoubtedly show up on the SyFy Channel in the near future, if it hasn't already, which is just to say we kind of expected all of this going in.  So in a normal movie when one of our characters, this time Black Dude, leaves his serrated knife just lying around so a cackling Marquez can just randomly pick it up, we would normally have a problem with this, but not in this movie.  In fact at one point they even give Marquez a gun.  Does that make any sense?  Of course it doesn't in a normal movie, but in this one… why the hell not.   These are pretty much the worst soldiers ever, but in a movie like this…

As we always point out, we expect these movies to be at a certain low level and sometimes they rise above the level, and in the worst case scenario, they fall below.  While 'Jurassic Attack' didn't rise above, we are at least thankful that it didn't dip below.
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