Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

The movie is called ‘Jersey Shore Shark Attack’, it’s a SyFy Channel original and it’s a parody.  This is a little odd because I know the SyFy channel doesn’t usually go the parody route with their original films, but that’s even more surprising when I think about it because this would lead one to think that the SyFy Channel has standards when it comes to their original films, and I think we all know that can’t possibly be true.  This is good for me because after ‘Ice Road Terror’ mimicked the reality show ‘Ice Road Truckers’ I immediately got back to work on my Pawn Stars SyFy original ‘Pawn Shop Apocalypse’.  Still no takers on that one though, and I already got verbals from Costas Mandylor and Michael Madsen.  I know everybody already has verbals from those guys, but come on SyFy… step up to the plate and get to funding! But enough about my failed dreams, we’re here to talk about ‘Jersey Shore Shark Attack’ which was… pretty much what you probably think it was.

 The Complication (Jeremy Luc… who was brilliant in this) has just broken up with Nooki as played by Melissa Molinaro who does appear to be more Kardassian than Jersey Shorian, but that’s actually a good thing.  You might wish the Kardassian girls to be dead, but they are easy to look at while they’re annoying the Planet Earth.  Regardless, Nooki busts up in the crib of The Complication, Balzac (Daniel Booko) and Donnie (Joey Russo) looking for the tramp that TC has been seen around town with.  I know they broke up and all but apparently Nooki still has staked a claim.  After all that fades away, it’s time to go to the shore, flash some abs, drink some liquor and engage in a wet T-shirt contest.  Since this was a TV movie the girls in the wet t-shirt contest were wearing bathing suits under their wet t-shirts, which ultimately made this wet t-shirt contest the lamest wet t-shirt contest ever, but I do hope in the eventual DVD version that will all be fixed, not that I’m willing to watch this movie again to see this. 

But all of this fun is ruined by the rich kids Bradford (Grant Harvey) and Spencer (Dylan Vox) crashing the party and lobbing Italian slurs at these kids who just want to have fun.  In the ensuing melee, one of their friends jumped in the water to escape the evil preppies, only to get eaten by red-eyed albino bull-shark!  Say what?

Seems an evil developer, played by legendary evil guy William Atherton, is developing something that is attracting these sharks.  The Complication and his crew know this, but nobody believes them, not even his cop dad (Jack Scalia), so they have to take them out themselves.  With firecrackers.  That doesn’t work all that well.  Eventually Dad becomes a believer and asks the mayor (Paul Sorvino) to shut down the beaches, but it is the fourth of July and nobody EVER cancels a Summer Fun Events just because sharks are eating people.  EVER.  It’s bad for the economy don’t you know?  Besides, former N-Sync member Joey Fatone is going to be in concert so you KNOW this is a Summer Fun Event that’s not getting called off. 

Dang, they should’ve called off the Summer Fun Event.  Worse still is that Nooki is on the yacht with the rich kids, and TC has to go save his girl.  With a harpoon that must be shot through the left eye to kill the devil.  Hey, That’s what Paulie (Tony Sirico) said and he was looking like a total whackjob when he was saying it.  We know his name wasn’t Paulie in this, but he’s Tony Sirico and his name is Paulie from now until forever.  There’s nothing we can do about that. 

I’ve never seen an episode of ‘Jersey Shore’, yet I know all of the characters.  I mean I walk into Barnes and Noble and see the freaking Situation and Snooki have written books.  What the hell could they possibly say that I would want to read about?  So while you might wish harm to come to the Kardassian’s, I wish ill will, short of death because being annoying isn’t a capital crime, upon the cast of Jersey Shore.  I thought I was getting this ill will satisfied with this movie since I was sure all, or at least most of them would get eaten by sharks.  NONE of them get eaten by sharks.  Just Joey Fatone, and I wish no ill will upon Joey Fatone.  What is up with that?  Since they didn’t kill them and made them heroes for goodness sakes, they probably could’ve rounded up the actual cast to be in this movie.  I think they had the time to spare.

That being said, what you get with ‘Jersey Shore Shark Attack’ is your typical run of the mill crappy SyFy Original, complete with some of the worse shark effects you will ever want to see, but kind of smoothed out by the completely ridiculous Jersey Shore angle.  The actors playing the Jersey Shore-ites really amp up the parody and they are kind of funny, particularly Jeremy Luc and his over swaggering version of The Situation.  

True enough, it’s a pretty lousy Shark Attack movie with the extra lame CGI sharks, the suspect bubble Shark Vision, a severe lack of Shark Attack gore, no real shark tension, and of course, no Jersey Shore characters dying.  I mean even the preppies lived.  And the evil dudes didn’t get eaten by sharks either.  Just so you know, in case you are a Paul Sorvino fan and noticed he got top billing in this movie, Mr. Sorvino was in this movie just a little more than me and you were in this movie, and for the little time he was in this movie he completely Michael Madsened his performance.

But even though ‘Jersey Shore Shark Attack’ was a lousy shark attack flick, at least it was a decent parody.  We recently saw the SyFy Original ‘Malibu Shark Attack’ which was a lousy everything, so we will take what we can get.

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