Now this is what I'm talking about. Me and the Sci-Fi channel and their original movies have had a relationship that goes back many years, and there's only been a special few of us that have stuck around all these years to watch their generally awful original movies. Then Sharknado came and energized a nation. All kinds of people started tuning in to watch this movie and were turned on to the madness that is the SyFy original. No, Sharknado wasn't a good movie, but it was just ridiculous enough to bring people who otherwise wouldn't be interested into the fold. There have been a few movies of varying quality after 'Sharknado', but this movie,
Black Dude who's the weapons expert and Crazy Dude who 'can fly anything'. Crazy Dude was also abducted and anally probed by the aliens. This sim doesn't go well and once it's over, the crew's boss, Michael Shannon Lite, fires them. Or retires them. Reason being that they've been training for 25 years to fight aliens that are never coming. Seriously, these cats have been fighting in simulators for 25 years. My tax dollars at work.
Seven years have passed and the aliens have finally showed up. They have big ships hovering over major American cities where people just causally look up at them, shielding their eyes. They also have a ship hovering above Roswell. They also have a ship hovering above Bob's house, which they blow up after Bob makes his wife stay in the house in the basement. Bob is really upset about this. For about 90 seconds. Why did the aliens blow up Bob's house and his wife in the basement? Because Bob has the blue cube. It's complicated.
Anyway, the aliens are handing us our 'collective asses' as reported to us by Old Chick, so the band has to get back together. Michael Shannon Lite at first didn't want to use them, but they are the only ones on the planet who has weapons that defeat the aliens. What are these weapons? Think XBOX Silent Scope light gun, and you have a rough idea. Why are the aliens here? Payback! We shot down one of their ships back in '47 and they are going to destroy our whole freaking planet because of it. I mean the ship would be the equivalent of an F-15 or something, so it's like if we had a jet go down in North Korean airspace and in response we nuke all of North Korea. It's kind of a dick move on the aliens part. But what took them so long to get here? Old Chick did the math and figured it would take over 70 years travel the 300 light years to get from their home to ours. That's an awful long time to travel for payback. Using that same math, that also means that the fighter ship we shot down took off from its home around 1877. The aliens should really be asking why that thing was flying so far off course instead of blowing up my planet.
A lot of stuff happens like dog fights and ground fights and explosions and all kinds of stuff. And while the outlook is grim for the planet, and not all of heroes are going to survive… like… I don't know… the Black Dude maybe… but we have a plan. And you would think by now Aliens in Movies would've figured this plan out.
What is it with aliens and a central intelligence? Can you imagine if someone sank the U.S.S. Nimitz and all the F-22's and F-15's just fell out of the sky because they sank the mother ship? Aliens are dumb. But back to 'Invasion Roswell'… it's awful. Absolutely terrible, and it this absolute terribleness that kind keeps the audience engaged. The special effects were a mixed bag, ranging from stank to putrid, the story and pacing were wildly erratic ranging from completely indecipherable to borderline incomprehensible, but the performances were okay. With long time veterans such as Evigan, Kelly, and Crosby on set, we expect solid performances, made all the more impressive as everyone, including the actors I didn't recognize, had to know they were in a crap movie. We call that 'professionalism' where I come from.
So while at no point during its 80+ minute runtime does 'Invasion Roswell' ever become anything close to a good movie, maintaining a solid level of terrible almost from start to finish, it does have a certain amount of charm to it and takes us back to simpler time when a bad movie was just a bad movie, and you didn't need to stick a shark in a tornado spice up your bad movie.
'Invasion Roswell', is the best example of the style of movie that one is really in for if one chooses to stick with the SyFy original. 'Invasion Roswell' is a throwback to the days when the Sci-Fi original was truly awful… think 'Raptor Island' or 'The Rock Monster'. This is the movie that will separate the wheat from the chaff. If you watch 'Invasion Roswell' and still want to stick around for future SyFy originals… welcome. If you watch this and decide this was an avenue of pursuit that really isn't for you… I understand.
Just so you know, like most people who watch and talk about these movies, I get most of my information about the cast and such from the IMDB, and as far as the IMDB is concerned about 'Invasion Roswell', at least as of today, the only actor in the movie is Greg Evigan so we will have to wing it.
Our film starts with a crew of old soldiers led by Bob (Evigan) who are attacking some aliens. The special effects look like ass, but it's okay because it's just a simulation. Also on Bob's team is Old Chick (Denise Crosby), Old Dude (Daniel Hugh Kelly),