Invasion Roswell

Black Dude who's the weapons expert and Crazy Dude who 'can fly anything'. Crazy Dude was also abducted and anally probed by the aliens. This sim doesn't go well and once it's over, the crew's boss, Michael Shannon Lite, fires them. Or retires them. Reason being that they've been training for 25 years to fight aliens that are never coming. Seriously, these cats have been fighting in simulators for 25 years. My tax dollars at work.

Seven years have passed and the aliens have finally showed up. They have big ships hovering over major American cities where people just causally look up at them, shielding their eyes. They also have a ship hovering above Roswell. They also have a ship hovering above Bob's house, which they blow up after Bob makes his wife stay in the house in the basement. Bob is really upset about this. For about 90 seconds. Why did the aliens blow up Bob's house and his wife in the basement? Because Bob has the blue cube. It's complicated.

Anyway, the aliens are handing us our 'collective asses' as reported to us by Old Chick, so the band has to get back together. Michael Shannon Lite at first didn't want to use them, but they are the only ones on the planet who has weapons that defeat the aliens. What are these weapons? Think XBOX Silent Scope light gun, and you have a rough idea. Why are the aliens here? Payback! We shot down one of their ships back in '47 and they are going to destroy our whole freaking planet because of it. I mean the ship would be the equivalent of an F-15 or something, so it's like if we had a jet go down in North Korean airspace and in response we nuke all of North Korea. It's kind of a dick move on the aliens part. But what took them so long to get here? Old Chick did the math and figured it would take over 70 years travel the 300 light years to get from their home to ours. That's an awful long time to travel for payback. Using that same math, that also means that the fighter ship we shot down took off from its home around 1877. The aliens should really be asking why that thing was flying so far off course instead of blowing up my planet.

A lot of stuff happens like dog fights and ground fights and explosions and all kinds of stuff. And while the outlook is grim for the planet, and not all of heroes are going to survive… like… I don't know… the Black Dude maybe… but we have a plan. And you would think by now Aliens in Movies would've figured this plan out.

What is it with aliens and a central intelligence? Can you imagine if someone sank the U.S.S. Nimitz and all the F-22's and F-15's just fell out of the sky because they sank the mother ship? Aliens are dumb. But back to 'Invasion Roswell'… it's awful. Absolutely terrible, and it this absolute terribleness that kind keeps the audience engaged. The special effects were a mixed bag, ranging from stank to putrid, the story and pacing were wildly erratic ranging from completely indecipherable to borderline incomprehensible, but the performances were okay. With long time veterans such as Evigan, Kelly, and Crosby on set, we expect solid performances, made all the more impressive as everyone, including the actors I didn't recognize, had to know they were in a crap movie. We call that 'professionalism' where I come from.

So while at no point during its 80+ minute runtime does 'Invasion Roswell' ever become anything close to a good movie, maintaining a solid level of terrible almost from start to finish, it does have a certain amount of charm to it and takes us back to simpler time when a bad movie was just a bad movie, and you didn't need to stick a shark in a tornado spice up your bad movie.