Reviewed By

Christopher Armstead
I guess I shouldn't be too terribly surprised that famed director Uwe Boll has spit out another 'In the Name of the King' movie… but I am surprised.  I mean the last one was terrible.  Not that this has ever stopped my man Mr. Boll before, having the knowledge that the movie he made before was crap… but still, that last movie with Dolph Lundgren was truly awful.  But here we are with 'In the Name of the King III: The Last Mission', and guess what?  It's terrible.  Absolutely awful.  But it might be better than the last one.  I can't remember though.

Hazen Kane (Dominic Purcell) is a bad man walking through a hotel shooting people in the face.  These people didn't do anything to Hazen, they are just the next Bulgarian Job.  Hazen is some kind of hitman, the tortured kind, who has lost his wife and to honor the dead wife of his, he shoots people in the face, then apologizes to this dead wife of his for losing his way.  Hazen wants out of the life, but there is One More Job.  As per usual.  This job requires kidnapping a couple of little girls and locking them in a metal shed along with a bag of potato chips.   

Then the oddest thing happens… Hazen takes a pendant that one of the girls was wearing, a pendant which matches his tattoo, which then opens the Time Space Continuum portal and zaps Hazen back to a time long, long ago.

First thing Hazen sees is people fleeing in terror… always a good sign for one to follow suit… then he sees a fire breathing dragon chasing these people.  Hazen has his trusty nine, and caps a few in the direction of this dragon, but to no avail.  After it settles down, Hazen meets the hot chicks in the village in Arabella (Ralitsa Paskaleva) and Emiline (Daria Simenova) who tell us about how their land used to be all kinds of awesome until their uncle… I think… killed their dad and sent the land into ruin.  It would've been all good if Arabella had just wed Uncle Tybalt (Nikolai Sotirov), but she wasn't interested.  And he's her uncle.  That's pretty icky but that Tybalt is a bad dude. 
Back to the FCU
Let Chris know how Wrong He Is
Don't Be Square...
Like Totally Twisted Flix!

What the hot sisters are holding out for is a hero, and they think that Hazen is that hero.  Hazen attempts to assure them he's anything but, but they're not hearing any of it.  But gosh darn, he bears the mark of the hero.  Then he goes on about whining how he got the mark from his wife in some tattoo shop in Hollywood or some nonsense, and after he finally quit whining I think the sisters finally realized that this dude is no hero.  Just a whiner.  Until it was time to be a hero.  And he also got to kiss the girl, because somehow they fell in love and stuff, though I don't know how or when this happened. 

What our hero needs to do is kill the Uncle, prove his worth, get the medallion and get back home.  And kill the dragon.  I think.  I'm not sure.  Oh yeah, and save the kids and redeem himself.  Maybe.  I can't recall if he actually did any of those things. 

I guess one of the issues I had with the last movie, when I went back and read what was written, was that Dolph was sleep walking through most of that movie.  Seemed uninterested.  Didn't want to be there.  So either Dominic Purcell studied Dolph's performance from that movie and figured that's the way these characters are supposed to be played, or the five hundred or so dollars these guys get to be in these movies just isn't worth the effort.  I know Dominic isn't the most emotive cat out there, and I realize I said the exact same thing about the last movie I saw him in, that being 'Ice Soldiers' which was scads more entertaining than this, but I know Dominic can turn it on when the mood hits him.

Dominic was the macrocosm of the microcosm of what's wrong with this movie in that it's just so lackluster.  Like no one, including the director, really gave a damn about making a halfway decent movie and just wanted to get it done and under budget.  I should check that and mention that the young ladies playing the hot sisters did seem to be engaged in this film, but they could only do so much.

Worst still, I'm not sure anything really got resolved.  I guess the creepy uncle got his, but I assume the dragon is still terrorizing those fantasy land Bulgarians, but at least that does bring up something that it is pretty good about this movie, in addition to the hot sisters, and that would be the dragon.  It seems that CGI dragons and CGI sharks are the easiest things to animate in these low budget movies and the dragon did look pretty good.  Plus, when the dragon got to modern day Bulgaria and started terrorizing the citizens, though admittedly the majority of them didn't seem to flustered by the sight of a fire-breathing dragon flying through their city, the movie actually had a pulse for a minute or two. 

Sadly, a minute or two of pulse can't rescue a movie that nobody really seemed interested in making or even being in.  We don't mind bad movies here at the FCU.  Clearly.  But we do appreciate the bad movie that at least tries.
Don't Be Square... Like Totally Twisted Flix!
            Time Web Analytics