I guess I
shouldn't be too terribly surprised that famed director Uwe
Boll has spit out another 'In the Name of the King' movie… but
I am surprised. I mean the last one was terrible.
Not that this has ever stopped my man Mr. Boll before, having
the knowledge that the movie he made before was crap… but
still, that last movie with Dolph Lundgren was truly
awful. But here we are with 'In the Name of the King
III: The Last Mission', and guess what? It's
terrible. Absolutely awful. But it might be better
than the last one. I can't remember though.
Hazen Kane (Dominic Purcell) is a bad man walking through a
hotel shooting people in the face. These people didn't
do anything to Hazen, they are just the next Bulgarian
Job. Hazen is some kind of hitman, the tortured kind,
who has lost his wife and to honor the dead wife of his, he
shoots people in the face, then apologizes to this dead wife
of his for losing his way. Hazen wants out of the life,
but there is One More Job. As per usual. This job
requires kidnapping a couple of little girls and locking them
in a metal shed along with a bag of potato
chips.
Then the oddest thing happens… Hazen takes a pendant that one
of the girls was wearing, a pendant which matches his tattoo,
which then opens the Time Space Continuum portal and zaps
Hazen back to a time long, long ago.
First thing Hazen sees is people fleeing in terror… always a
good sign for one to follow suit… then he sees a fire
breathing dragon chasing these people. Hazen has his
trusty nine, and caps a few in the direction of this dragon,
but to no avail. After it settles down, Hazen meets the
hot chicks in the village in Arabella (Ralitsa Paskaleva) and
Emiline (Daria Simenova) who tell us about how their land used
to be all kinds of awesome until their uncle… I think… killed
their dad and sent the land into ruin. It would've been
all good if Arabella had just wed Uncle Tybalt (Nikolai
Sotirov), but she wasn't interested. And he's her
uncle. That's pretty icky but that Tybalt is a bad
dude.
What the hot
sisters are holding out for is a hero, and they think that
Hazen is that hero. Hazen attempts to assure them he's
anything but, but they're not hearing any of it. But
gosh darn, he bears the mark of the hero. Then he goes
on about whining how he got the mark from his wife in some
tattoo shop in Hollywood or some nonsense, and after he
finally quit whining I think the sisters finally realized that
this dude is no hero. Just a whiner. Until it was
time to be a hero. And he also got to kiss the girl,
because somehow they fell in love and stuff, though I don't
know how or when this happened.
What our hero needs to do is kill the Uncle, prove his worth,
get the medallion and get back home. And kill the
dragon. I think. I'm not sure. Oh yeah, and
save the kids and redeem himself. Maybe. I can't
recall if he actually did any of those things.
I guess one of the issues I had with the last movie, when I
went back and read what was written, was that Dolph was sleep
walking through most of that movie. Seemed
uninterested. Didn't want to be there. So either
Dominic Purcell studied Dolph's performance from that movie
and figured that's the way these characters are supposed to be
played, or the five hundred or so dollars these guys get to be
in these movies just isn't worth the effort. I know
Dominic isn't the most emotive cat out there, and I realize I
said the exact same thing about the last movie I saw him in,
that being 'Ice Soldiers' which was scads more entertaining
than this, but I know Dominic can turn it on when the mood
hits him.
Dominic was the macrocosm of the microcosm of what's wrong
with this movie in that it's just so lackluster. Like no
one, including the director, really gave a damn about making a
halfway decent movie and just wanted to get it done and under
budget. I should check that and mention that the young
ladies playing the hot sisters did seem to be engaged in this
film, but they could only do so much.
Worst still, I'm not sure anything really got resolved.
I guess the creepy uncle got his, but I assume the dragon is
still terrorizing those fantasy land Bulgarians, but at least
that does bring up something that it is pretty good about this
movie, in addition to the hot sisters, and that would be the
dragon. It seems that CGI dragons and CGI sharks are the
easiest things to animate in these low budget movies and the
dragon did look pretty good. Plus, when the dragon got
to modern day Bulgaria and started terrorizing the citizens,
though admittedly the majority of them didn't seem to
flustered by the sight of a fire-breathing dragon flying
through their city, the movie actually had a pulse for a
minute or two.
Sadly, a minute or two of pulse can't rescue a movie that
nobody really seemed interested in making or even being
in. We don't mind bad movies here at the FCU.
Clearly. But we do appreciate the bad movie that at
least tries.
