But what exactly is this movie about?
Well there is a story, and it involves our sick sheik (Victor
Alexander), an American diplomat (Wolfgang Roehm) and his
attaché, super secret agent Adam Scott (Max Thayer). The
Sheik, in between doing horrible things to the ladies in his
harem, is holding the U.S. over a barrel with his exorbitant
oil prices, and the diplomat is here to negotiate. The
Secret Agent is here to observe and do what is necessary when
the time comes. Which mainly means he's going to be
sexing up Ilsa. It so happens that the secret agent has
planted a spy in the camp and this spy is absolutely terrible
at what she does. And she will pay the ultimate price
for being a spy. No, seriously. Not just
death. What happens to this lady is worse than anything
that happened to anybody while Ilsa was running that SS death
camp.
Anyway, Secret Agent Scott put it on Ilsa something
fierce! I mean Ilsa is a slave to my mans very
whims. Whatever this brother says goes, and this is not
lost on the Sheik who won't tolerate this kind of disloyalty
and he humiliates Ilsa. Then he threatens her man.
He shouldn't have done that because now Ilsa, her sidekicks,
the harem bitches, and the dickless are all on a rampage, and
the sheik will learn some hard lessons in the worst way
possible.
While 'Ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks' isn't a great
movie, we must admit that it is a great exploitation movie,
made by a great exploitation director in Don Edmonds.
This is a film that has just about everything a decent
exploitation film needs, say like… I don't know…
titties. Lots of them. The movie generally doesn't
go three or four minutes without the inclusion of
titties. Small ones, big ones, firm ones, and all races,
creeds and colors. And since this is an Ilsa movie,
there is lots of Ilsa doing what she does, which is torturing
people and also showing her own voluminous titties. Just
so you know, the sheik prefers his harem girls to be trained
in the art of using their tongues, a training regimen which
Ilsa takes very, very seriously.
Also, since in it's an Ilsa movie, there are an awful lot of
things that are very distasteful, and as mentioned before,
most of these distasteful things happened to one person.
You know you've had a bad day when you had your titties
crushed, your feet devoured by ants, your eyeball plucked out
and eaten, and then had an incendiary device placed inside
your vagina, which is actually a sex bomb. Detonated by
friction. Wonderful. Who thinks of this stuff?
What really sets Ilsa apart, say unlike my main man Joe
D'Amato and his litany of exploitation transgressions against
cinema, is that there is an actual narrative here. Truth
be told, it's not a bad one either. Again, this is more
of a testament to the directing skill of the late Don Edmonds
who certainly knows how to shoot, stage and pace a movie but
also realizes that while tits are great, if you wrap some kind
of story, no matter how insane this story might be, along with
a decent flow to this story, you might get a movie that might
be of a little more value than the titties you've paid to be
in your movie. And it also helps that every single actor
in this movie, even those that couldn't act, at least over
acted to the nth degree.
Recognize that we're not telling anybody to run out and
acquire 'Ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks', and I can
admit the only reason I was able to digest this movie as
easily as I did was because I saw the far harsher 'Ilsa: She
Wolf of the SS' first, and also because the glorious Marilyn
Joi and Tanya Boyd spent the majority of this movie naked… but
this is high quality exploitation.
