Every once
in a while we see things in movies and we have to attempt to
call it. Put an end to it. Try and see if we can't
keep this from happening anymore. Nobody listens to me
on these things, so it's kind of pointless, but we're going to
try once again, nonetheless. Today, we are putting a
stop to the 29 Year old Beautiful Blond Expert in her
Field. Today that character is Dr. Terra Wade, the
world's preeminent expert on reaniment genetics, as played by
the very lovely Yvonne Strahovski. I'm not saying this
expert has to be some kind of decrepit old dude, as we all
know this is what this expert would generally look like in
real life… I know that's crazy talk… but maybe just an older
hot chick instead of a grad school aged hot chick.
That's all I'm saying. For instance, Miranda Otto
is in this movie 'I, Frankenstein' playing the chief gargoyle
protector, Leonore … we'll explain later. She's an older
hot chick. She could've easily played this preeminent
expert in her field, and we would buy into that. And
we're still keeping Yvonne Shrahovski in the movie by making
her the guardian, since they are immortal and stuff, and since
God probably wouldn't have made her forty five years old,
since He made all of the other immortal protectors around
twenty five. What do you think? Crazy talk I
know. The movie itself… eh.
Anyway, back in the day Victor Frankenstein (Aden Young)
stitched together a creature and brought it back to
life. So ashamed of his creation he tried to destroy it
but failed, and this creature in return, destroyed him.
What this creature did not know is that his existence would
draw much attention from the Demon World, in particular Chief
Demon Naberius (Bill Nighy) who has a need for this monster
for reasons that cannot be good. Fortunately for the
world, we are being watched over by the Stone Gargoyle Crew,
led by the afore mentioned Leonore, who have been sent by the
angel Michael to battle these demons, angels cast out from
heaven for aligning themselves with Satan. These
protectors rescue the monster, take it to Leonore who names
him Adam (Aaron Eckhart) and invites him to join them in
battle. He declines. He's an angry, soulless
creature and just wants to be left alone. Leonore's
right hand man Gideon (Jai Courtney) thinks they should end
this beast, but Leonore believes he has value to the world.
Hundreds of
years pass, but Adam will not be left alone as the demons
continue to hunt him, so he takes the fight to them.
Much to the dismay of Leonore and her legion. This is
where we meet Dr. Wade (Strahovski) who is working for
Naberius, looking like some kind of businessman, in an attempt
to reanimate dead things. Apparently, if we were to
listen to Dr. Wade, there's some kind of overreaching social
value in doing this. Hell if I know what this value
could possibly be. But how fortuitous would it be for
Dr. Wade, and her research, if she had a creature that had
been reanimated already to study, or at the very least the
notes of the genius that made this happen? But of course
the story of Dr. Frankenstein is just a myth. Oh no it
isn't!
Next thing you know, Dr. Wade is holding Dr. Frankenstein's
manual, and she's face to face with his monster. The
monster tells her that she really doesn't want to help this
guy because he's a demon and he plans to destroy the
world. She doesn't believe him. Why, I don't
know. I mean she just met a 250 year old reanimated dead
guy made from spare body parts, so one would think that just
about any and everything is on the table right now.
Eventually, she does believe him. I think it was Demon /
Creature kung fu fight that changed her mind, and she's not
going to help that guy and his nefarious plan. Until she
does. Naberius has one hell of a plan, so to speak, and
it's bad for all of us. Unless the creature without a
soul can save us. Think the Tin Man for reference.
One problem I had with 'I Frankenstein'? The
Demons. I mean these demons were total punks. They
crumbled like a house of cards almost every time. Why
the gargoyles didn't just rush the compound and take these
clowns out centuries ago is beyond me. Another
problem? God. Look, He sent these demons down
here, and we are His chosen people, but yet these whackjobs He
sent down here are trying to eradicate the whole of lot
us? Now I get free will and stuff, and if some random
dude was trying to eradicate us… I get that. But not
these dudes. Hey God… make them stop. I also
wouldn't have minded some explanation why the Frankenstein
monster was so darn eloquent. He doesn't have be all
Boris Karloff mono syllabic or anything like that, but this
Frankenstein was pretty darned intelligent. Too
intelligent. Like he would never shut up
intelligent. Aaron Eckart is a good actor and all, and
it would be shame to waste his talent on monosyllabic dialog
and grunting, but that is the way I tend like my Frankenstein
monsters.
Did I like this movie? Well… not really. But I
didn't dislike it either. We can see where it has this
'Underworld' vibe going on, complete with Bill Nighy and his
arching left eyebrow, but considering that Underworld
certainly wasn't the be all that ends all, something was still
missing to complete the package. Ah… It just dawned on
me… Kate Beckinsdale or Rhona Mitra in tight spandex.
That's what's missing! Aaron Eckhart did hit the iron
extra hard for this role, but it wasn't quite the same.
At least for me. That's all I'm saying.
I can say that I'm not feeling the same level of hate that a
lot of people seem be directing towards this movie, but this
is more because 'I, Frankenstein' didn't move me enough to
warrant any hate. The narrative, based on Kevin
Greivoux's graphic novel… he plays one of the lame demon
heavies by the way… comes off as utter nonsense, though I'm
sure in the setting of the comic it probably makes total
sense. This would be one of those occasions where I
guessing something was lost in the translation. I did
like some of the CGI work, like the slick looking human to
gargoyle transformations, but some of the other CGI work
didn't seem to measure up to what we are used to.
Admittedly, if this movie was like ten years old, then this
stuff would be amazing, but now the bar is so freaking high
for this kind of thing, and in parts 'I, Frankenstein' suffers
by comparison.
I didn't hate this movie. It's forgettable and
unremarkable and fairly illogical, but for the ninety or so
minutes that one sits there watching it, it was somewhat
entertaining. I can easily admit to that.
