Reviewed by

Christopher Armstead

Marcus (Marcus Patrick) loves his girl Vivian (Cherie Johnson) and Vivian loves him right back even harder. It is their wedding day and all is well… that is until Marcus drives into something or another and puts his new bride into a coma, and this is how the total insanity that is the movie I Do, I Did’ begins its twisted tale.

So Marcus sits by his girl’s side everyday praying for a miracle, just as Vivian’s best friend Candy (Shar Jackson) and her old dude Mr. Johnson (Obba Babatunde) does, but alas, time is passing at a rapid rate. Sadly Marcus has run out of loot and I guess if you run out of money and your mate is on life support the hospital reserves the right to murder this patient with no money. This I did not know. Distraught, Marcus just needs a sign. He asks his woman to raise two fingers if she wants to live and one finger if she wants to join her mother on the other side. Uhh…. Marcus? She’s in a FREAKING COMA! Not surprisingly Vivian does neither, because coma patients tend to be unresponsive for the most part, which Marcus takes as her giving him the okay that she wants to die, so he breaks the hell out of there.

A total of two years have passed and Marcus has met, married and impregnated White Girl (April Scott). Now I’m sure this woman has a name but she was largely referred to in this movie as White Girl… White Bitch… Snow Flake… Pink Toes, which is a new one for me and I thought I knew them all. Even Marcus doesn’t use her name and just calls her baby all the time. Because of Snow Flake Marcus has a nice job, his whip is tight, and his crib is off the chain. Can’t beat that with a stick. Life is good until he gets that fateful call from the hospital informing him that his first wife has come out of her two year coma. That’s called a complication where I come from.

Pink Toes isn’t as upset about this as you might imagine and suggest that Vivian move into the guest room while they work this situation out. In the history of bad ideas, this might the worst idea ever. Two years in a coma have been really good for Viv

physically speaking. Even though it has been an awful long time of absolutely no physical motion for the woman those legs are still long and lean, that ass is as round and as tight as ever and those boobies are full, firm and packed with life. And this nearly perfect vision of browness is staying right down the hall from White Bitch, who happens to be fat and unattractive (not even close, but this what they are telling us). Mentally however Vivian has deteriorated and turned into one of Satan’s Schoolgirls. At least I thought so. The script set it up as if she was simply trying to get her man back but it looked to me like she was trying to murder White Girl or at the very least force a miscarriage of Mulatto Baby (I threw that one in myself).

What is poor Marcus to do? He loves both of these women but one is pregnant, fat and ugly (not really) while the other is fine and crazy (for real). Good thing for Marcus that these things tend to work themselves out.

I’m watching this movie ‘I Do, I Did’, which is completely insane, and I’m telling myself that I need to turn it off. You see if I turn it off before its finished then I can’t scribble down any comments about it because I have no right to. If you didn’t finish the movie then I don’t give a damn about what you have to say about that movie. But no matter how hard I tried… I couldn’t turn this thing off. In addition to being an addictively watchable movie I HAD to see how they were going to resolve this situation. I knew it was going to be crazy because the whole movie was crazy but I needed to know how crazy. Yup, It was pretty damned crazy.

Now I’m not telling you ‘I Do, I Did’ was a good movie… oh hell no, not even close… but the filmmakers have a written a story so inanely wacky that ‘Lord of the Rings’ seems real by comparison. Hospitals murdering patients and comatose women not raising fingers are just the tip of the crazy iceberg. You would think Marcus would want some confirmation of his wife’s death before marrying Snow Flake. I’m sure there would’ve been a funeral or something. I guess. And if my computation of the timeline is correct ‘grief stricken’ Marcus married White Bitch like a month and half after his comatose wife didn’t raise those fingers, taking in consideration that he hung out by Viv’s side for well over a year and Pink Toes is nine months pregnant. Wouldn’t the marriage to Pink Toes be invalid anyway? Unless this movie was set in Utah. We’re not going to get into actual insanity that is the character of White Girl, but I’m thinking if you want to sell us on White Girl being unattractive and overweight, then hire an unattractive and overweight actress, not a Maxim model which is what April Scott is. That’s fat and ugly all right. In addition to being very pretty she weighs like thirty pounds. They stuffed pillows under her shirt and all but it looked like a thirty pound woman with pillows stuffed under her shirt. Director J. Jesses Smith might’ve wanted peel back some Ms. Scott’s flavor too because there were times when she sounded blacker than the Black characters.

Not as black as Shar Jackson who took the term ‘I’m gonna have to show my color’ to the nth degree. And then there was the finale which did not disappoint one little bit. Crazy. Thank goodness for Coma’s huh Marcus?

As bad as this movie was, and believe me it was plenty bad, it was well acted, director J. Jesses Johnson knows how to frame a scene, it looked way better than I’m sure the producers had money to spend on it and they made the most of the minimal locations that they were working with. It’s just crazy. We’ve seen movies that are really crazy but somehow make sense in the crazy world they exist in… this would not be one of those movies. This movie would be crazy on Pluto. Crazy.

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