If I’ve said it once I’ve said a thousand times… A movie’s first and foremost task is to entertain you. If this entertaining movie happens to also be a good movie in the process of entertaining you then all the better, but the two don’t necessarily go hand in hand. ‘Ice Queen’ from MTI home video is a classic example of this point as I found it extremely entertaining, funny, silly and stupid but I also understand that as movie it is some kind of gawdawful. Simply horrible. But I’m cool with that because I’m not a film snob. A film snob watches something like ‘Ice Queen’ for five minutes turns their nose up at it and scoffs ‘if you want to see a ‘real’ horror movie watch ‘Alien’. You can’t argue with Mr. Film Snob because obviously ‘Alien’ is so superior to ‘Ice Queen’ that the two probably shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same paragraph together, but Mr. Film Snob is ultimately one miserable ass dude. ‘Alien’ is damn thirty years old and while Mr. Film Snob sits around waiting for that cinematic excellence lightning in a bottle to strike, as it does perhaps once every three or four years, we can sit down and watch movies like ‘Ice Queen’ laugh our asses off at it, turn it off and go to sleep knowing that there is more quality entertainment like that being produced every day while we too wait for the next ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’.

An army convoy is transporting something which we can tell is quite important because it is marked in a toxic radioactive tub and being guarded by an armed dude in one of those radioactive suits. But then it can’t be all that important because the army dudes didn’t notice this helicopter the size of a 747 hovering nearby which starts firing missiles at them. Since what’s inside this toxic tub is what our bad guys want, you’d think they’d be a little more judicious with their fire power, but amazingly the tub survives intact. Inside the tub is a nude prehistoric blond woman who for reasons I can’t even begin to get into needs her body kept at below freezing. Anyway, the evil

people try to steal this woman from the crazy Doctor Goddard (Daniel Hall Kuhn), but while this chicanery was taking place neither noticed that the stuff that was keeping this woman cold malfunctioned – apparently nobody has ever heard of an alarm to prevent this kind of thing from happening – and the Ice Queen defrosts, turns blue and wrinkled, grows yellow fangs and kills the pilot forcing the plane to crash into a nearby snowy mountain.

On this snowy mountain we meet hero boy Johnny (Harmon Walsh), his best friends Devlin (Peter Wyndorf) and Jessie (Demone Gore) who also has the grave misfortune of being African American in a horror movie. These three work for super tough lesbian Audrey (Tara Walden) who has it out for poor Johnny. Johnny is in a bit of personal trouble as well since he was at the big party celebrating the night before the lodge was to close for the winter, and drunkenly hooked up with wet T-shirt contest bimbo / law student Elaine (Jennifer Hill), which greatly upsets his fiancée Tori (Noelle Reno), who is obviously a woman who lacks understanding. Most of what I just typed has so little to do with the movie but it was in there so I felt obligated to tell you about it. To cut to the quick, the plane crashes and causes an avalanche, trapping those few who are left at the lodge, and releasing our crazed Ice Queen who is EXTREMELY pissed off and is going around jamming her hands in folks chest and freezing them from the inside out. Naturally our goal is to see who can survive and take out the Ice Queen. I’m thinking Jessie the Black guy ain’t gonna make it.

To illustrate the kind of movie we have here, Black Guy Jesse gets the stuffing scratched out of him by the crazed Ice Queen who looks just like she does on the box cover there. Obviously there is something more wrong with this woman other than her merely being some ‘crazy bitch’ as Jesse so eloquently described her. For whatever reason, with a crazed prehistoric killer on the loose and sitting in a caved in lodge surrounded by snow with a dead frozen buddy nearby, Jesse tells Elaine the bimbo that she’s cute when she’s scared and the two start making out. Though I’m happy to see the brother get some once forbidden blond bimbo silicone injected loving, perhaps this is the time to focus on other things, like making sure the ‘crazy bitch’ isn’t behind us jamming her hands into our spine and freezing us from the inside out. Ooops. Too late.

Once the Ice Queen (Ami Chorlton) starts stalking these crazy campers and gyrates in her Alvin Ailey style dance routines ‘The Ice Queen’ stops being a horror movie and turns into high comedy. This movie is some kind of campy horror cheesy fun as there is no way in hell they could have taken this thing seriously. The square off between the Ice Queen and our super tough Lesbian? Classic. The Ice Queen seductively coming on to our hero boy Johnny? Funny as HELL! I liked the way they had the hot spa love scene between Johnny and the boobilicious Elaine, but apparently it really didn’t happen because Elaine told Johnny’s fiancée that he actually just fell asleep. Notice the clever way the filmmakers squeezed fake boobies into the film yet kept Johnny true to his girl. Was that spa love scene a dream sequence or was Elaine lying, we weren’t told, but we sure are glad they found a way to put and extra large obtrusive set of fake titties into their movie.

If you demand stellar acting and a crisp story line and razor sharp editing to actually enjoy a film then perhaps you should steer clear of ‘The Ice Queen’ as it has NONE OF THAT! But if you’re not offended by a thick slice of American Cheese on your ham sandwich then ‘The Ice Queen’ will be right up your alley.